Published November 28, 2009
There it is again,
On my wall.
How long has it been now?
Two weeks?
Why doesn't it move,
or leave?
I suppose it has no reason to live.
If I see it one more time,
I will destroy it.
Please, just leave!
Why won't you go away?
If only you could talk...
I came back again,
but the thing was gone.
Lucky little bugger.
I almost got you,
but you left.
I hate roaches.
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139,568 Literary Works • 672,610 Reviews
A good poem. Made me laugh. I thought it had good structure and it was very sweet.A bit odd, what made you write about a cockroach?
Hello Amber. This was indeed a very cute little poem, but I found that it lacked flow and poetic form, as it read more like a diary entry. You have a promising start, but let's take a look at where this went wrong.
This is quite a fantastic hook. It really drew me into the story, but I don't think your tone is conveying how the narrator must feel. I'd recommend adding an exclamation mark for more emphasis.
Again, I enjoy this phrase, but it seems to fall a little flat, especially since you end it right at two weeks. It doesn't seem very realistic, because truthfully, if your narrator doesn't know how long the fly (or other pest) has been there, they are going to list a couple of different times.
You don't need both phrases here. I think it would flow a little bit nicer if you crossed out "or leave", or replace 'move' with 'leave.'
Your narrator shouldn't think that. It obviously has a reason to live. The bug, or whatever it is, is probably lost and looking for a way out.
This part doesn't really make sense, considering that the bug has always been there, and its not moving to and from the wall.
You were doing very well, until this line.
I don't like it. It seems out of context and not containing the proper flow and writing style for a poem.
Great job, keeping writing, and PM me if you have questions.
Amber, my friend, don't be sorry! I would be very happy to review anything you write. Ever.
I like your poem a lot, it made me smile. In the beginning, I wasn't sure what was going on, and I didn't know weather or not it was going to be serious.
Something to think about: if you ever felt like making a poem rhyme, this would do really well. Rhyme is a bit out of place in darker stuff, but in light hearted poems it can add a lot of character.
Just by the way, if you really do find roaches in your house, it's a good idea to take them outside right away. In her one year life-span, a female roach can lay 150 eggs. In your house.
It's good to add questioning to a poem, especially when there's a twist at the end, like yours did, but to better set flow and interest, space it out in at least an A/B pattern, rather than A/A/B/A like this is set up.
Sounds slightly choppy and bumpy, and too much like a statement from a typical conversation.
That's but my opinion on it, everyone has their different ideas of what does/does not belong in a poem.
Haha, this is so funny. The beginning did confuse me but the end was a really nice twist. I enjoyed it. The only part I think you should edit is when you say, "I came back again..." Maybe add something more to make it flow better.
Anyway good job, keep writing.
Keep chillin' like you do.