Published August 17, 2009
Sitting upon a weathered bench,
We watched the sunsets fade;
One by one the days ticked off
‘til only one remained.
Today we shall jest with the sea,
And punch away its waves;
Surely we shall hold it back
Before this sunset fades.
Then we shall watch the clouds,
And draw their perfect shapes;
Surely we’ll have seen them all
Before this sunset fades.
After, we shall chase the wind,
And challenge it to race;
Maybe we’ll have won by then—
Before this sunset fades.
Then we’ll count the finest sand,
That upon the beach is laid;
Perhaps we’ll have numbered them
Before this sunset fades.
But if you’d prefer, then I suppose
We may sit here and be still;
Let the day move east to west
And just stay here until—
Until the sunset fades.
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I'm a little apprehensive about the repetition. What do you think?
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I think you should probably find another synonym for 'weathered'. I know what you're trying to say, but it's defintion might not come to mind for some people who read your poem. Also, you should end this section with a period, not a semi colon.
One by one, the days ticked off untill only one remained.
I am not sure what you mean by 'Jest.' Find a synonym, please. I'm not sure, but I don't think that there is a comma after 'sea.'
What is it?
Then we shall watch the clouds and draw their perfect shapes.
In this sentence, I think it flows better if you spell out we'll.
If you want to keep 'After', try something along the lines of 'After that', or 'Next'
And challange it to race.
Maybe we'll have one by then, before this sunset fades.
Grains of sand? I'm confused, because Sand as a whole cannot be counted. Grains of sand CAN, though.
Okay, I don't really understand what is going on in this sentence; It just seems to be phrased a little akwardly. Try to make it so it flows better.
I don't think I really have any problems with this pararagph
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It's fine. I actually liked it.
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Overall
I enjoyed your poem. I liked the theme of it, I enjoyed what It was about. I could relate to it. It seemed your major problems were in grammar and sentence structure.
One major problem was your misuses of commas and semi-colons.
Here are two articles that you might want to take a look at.
Semicolon
Comma
Best of luck to you with your writing.
Hey Knightly!
I enjoyed this poem. It was simple, straight to the point, but done in a warm and mellow way. I can't find any major error to point out too. And also, I'm not fond of repetitions, but in your poem, I thought it was well done. It didn't tick me off.
Just a bit here:
One by one the days ticked off
‘til only one remained.
The last line sounds a bit redundant. I'd try to change the last line.
Anyway, good work! I'm looking forward your next poem.
I can really dig this.
It jives well, and it's got great flow and rhythm.
About the only thing i can think of to critique is that you should take the last line of the poem, lose the until, replace "the" with "our", and add parentheses.
The last verse should look something like this:
But if you’d prefer, then I suppose
We may sit here and be still;
Let the day move east to west
And just stay here until
(Our sunset fades)
Maybe it's just me, but I think that's a little better.