Published December 6, 2009
Silent as the clouds above,
In all that fluffed up glamour;
She strides across the dark blue sky,
Showering in ardor.
And all that look upon her face,
Go blind from all that luster;
For the sun pours from her eyes
Engulfing all in fire.
Oh, how men burn before her gaze!
They suffer so completely,
For what do men ache for more
Than a chance at all that beauty.
Silent as the clouds above,
Men look but cannot touch her;
And many will be quite content
To love and gaze and suffer.
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141,399 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
Beautiful poem.
That just fits.
Beautiful!
Oh my goodness...
This was beautiful,
A beautiful expression of the heart, I love it.
The words of line 1 stanza 1 which also reapeted in the last stanza was too cold for the poem find a better line.
You did a good job.
Hi,
I really enjoyed this!
I thought the rhythm was completely captivating, and that the rhyme was very effective. The poem as a whole flowed beautifully.
I'd change the semi-colon after "glamour" to a comma.
I'd also change "Showering in ardor" as it sounds a bit forced. Maybe try "Showering down ardour" or "showered with men's ardour", depending on who it was that you wanted to be showered in ardour. The way I saw it from your line was that the woman was making ardour shower down onto the people below.
I'd put a one syllable adjective before "men" in stanza three as I think the rhythm is a tad bumpy in this line.
I'd change "Men look but cannot touch her" because it's cliche.
I love the last line-the sound of it is brilliant.
Hope this helps.
Jas