Young Writers Society

First of all I really liked it. I love the whole concept of your poem and how you worked it in. I think you slipped up a few places in your rhyming and the flow goes a little off on those parts. Some of your rhymes are kind of simple and they could work that way but I don't think they fit very well. Use a broader range of vocabualry and I think your results would be a lot more intriguing poem. Anyway it was still really great!

I found the syllables to be distorted with the other lines so...the end result was a weak flow. The concept could be refined into something much more and deeper. For me this poem was really shallow and it had no depth. You can't really talk about this poem in another sense. It's really rigid and concrete. Your forced your self to follow the rhyme scheme which is a pet peeve of mine. Unless your last name is Seuss, please do not make it so that your rhymes are predictable. Your poem loses all lyrical value and it makes it so much more painful to read.
It's really evident that you tried being creative but I guess it just didn't work out.... Just don't force yourself through a writer's block. The end products are never good.
I look forward to your better/thought out work!
Keep Writing ^^
Exialac

Didn't sound forced to me, dear! Love it!

I like this so0o0o0o much:

At least we've failed at nothing,

For we've never tried;

And so no perjured hope,

Has ever hurt our pride.

Hey, Angel!

I like what you've got going here, and your rhyming's generally not bad. Slant rhyme is good. Your biggie issue is meter.

For example, in the third stanza, I think the last line would sound better with an extra few syllables: "We'll turn out to be the best." (this also applies to the last stanza; an additional syllable in the line would be lovely.)

Have you tried counting meter? I think yours is 3/2/3/2. Which isn't bad; it's a rhythm that's quite pleasing to the ear. Your problem is just maintaining it. If you count the number of syllables in each line and divide that number by two, you have your bpl (beats per line).

My only other beef is the overuse of the word "dream" and variations thereof. I get the fact that it's about half of what the poem is about, but that's overtime and you're not paying it.

That, oh, and, I thought Chance knocked on people's doors. It being, you know, Chance. XD I think you're looking for something else...

That's about all I can do with this. G'luck to you!

~Sumi

I think that I have already review one of your work today...and I am familiar with the style...
So, in the 2nd and 3rd stanza you have a rhyme that it isn't. 2nd and 4th verse didn't worked out one with each other.
4th stanza is great (in my opinion) and 5th ain't so much... You kind a wrote that 4th stanza that good that everything else fades away... By the "fading" is also the ending of the poem... I see that the problem is that you mentioned "wonderful" examples of hedonism but in your, special way and in the last stanza you just said that you didn't work(that hasn't have any strong connections with the overtaking of the time)...

I liked it, but I do think that the rythm and rhyme didn't work so well in the mid section, but i do like the style in which you write It also lost me in the mid section, but the beginning and end, especially the end was really good to me. It's almost like a classical or dainty way of writing, very beautiful.