Published March 11, 2010
If kisses could, you know I would
bring warmth upon your lips,
but lips speak lies, all frost and ice
— I shiver when I kiss.
Too cold for me, unpleasantly,
I tremble in your arms.
For marbled souls have never stole
a kiss that made me warm.
Chiseled hands on statue-man
will hold me dear and tight,
yet hands so cold can never hold
a heart that will ignite.
I shiver and you hold my hand,
and strive to keep me warm;
but in your eyes, you’re frost and lies;
A statue in a storm.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,517 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
I love how it all flows, and the ryhming.
It does have all the things I like in a poem:
#Iambic Pirameter
#Rhyming
#conveys a message/story
Good Job!
Hi there!
This was a cute poem-I liked it. Your simple imagery and word choice create the perfect mood for this poem. However, for all the strong points that it had, it had a few weak points too.
The phrasing of this seems a bit awkward. When I first read it through, I was really confused because I wanted to know what kisses could do. Perhaps you could write it like this, "You know I would bring warmth upon your lips-if kisses could". It's a bit more solid that way.
What's too cold? If you mean a kiss, it probably belongs in the preceding stanza.
This is confusing. You spend a few stanzas saying that kisses make your narrator cold, and now they make her arm?
Ah, I get it.
-
Overall, this was a nice, chilling poem with a fantastic start. PM me if you have questions!
-Elinor
Excellent poem! It is very well written with great scheme. While reading it I could feel the warmth and chills that you provoked. Third stanza is my favorite.
I like this piece, and the whole hot vs. cold thing you've got going along. If one thing bugs me, it's the semicolon uses. I love the semicolon, but it's used in some unnessecary places and it's not used in the needed sections. I noticed this two times, mainly;
The semicolon at the end of the first line can become a comma, no question.
That dash just looks ugly and misplaced. A semicolon at the end of ice works best. Or you could put a comma at the end of ice, and then start the next line with "and". Either way, it works. The "and" might work better.
Other than that, I liked the piece alot. Keep up the good work, and have a lucky day!