The rose you gave still sits upon my table,
the vibrant red it once was, faded into a dusky pink,
that does not speak about love at all.
The verdant leaves that gave it life are crumpled black
clumps that are clutching the dried up stem,
willing it to stay alive.
The stem, once channel of nourishment,
now the shriveled canal of honeyed promises that did naught
but constrict my throat.
But still, it sits on my table and its
dusty, rose fragrance wafts up from the past and
recalls vivid roses that once spoke of love.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Oh, Angel, you always blow me away with your poetry. I wish I could write like that.
As always, you're imagery here is amazing. I can actually see everything your describing and feel everything that comes attached to it, so great job on that. I liked your storyline, as it's not whiny while it picks up a very whiny topic. I really, really liked this. It's so simple, so short, but still so rich in everything a poems should have. I hated when I can't make a proper review >.< But! I do have something to point out.
In the last stanza, the flow is a bit 'meeeh', not so good as the rest. Plus, a bit of more punctuation in the first couple of verses would also be good. And these were small things to point out.
Anyway, point is: I loved it. Thanks for posting!
- Kat
To tell you the truth, I really enjoyed this. I myself am a very picky reader and often criticize peoples poems. The only thing I have to say to you is continue looking for spicy words to give your poems a little more depth!
I loved your imagery! The description of the rose, and the signifigance each characteristic played in the piece really drew the poem together! You had a strong first line, which is always important because it draws the reader in. And you had a strong ending line, which is good in some pieces(like this one) because it helps the reader to grasp the full meaning of the poem with one single line, if they didn't quite grasp it before. Keep Writing!
~Lukan
Hi KnightlyAngel09,
I'm not sure what happened here. Your poems, to my memory, used to reflect a depth that is nowhere near present in this mass of teenage angst and endless complaining about a vague fog in the distance.
Last line is unnecessary, considering it's spelled out in the first two anyway. Red > pink, yes, we get it, the color symbolism is old and outdated. A color fading away is a cheap shot at the ever-sought "literary device of all devices". Just ignore the bare looks of a hue and try to make it a little more multi-layered. A spiderweb, not just a thin piece of silk.
Getting really tedious now. Green > black, honestly? You already tried this magic trick in the first stanza. Are you running out of ideas fast? Get rid of that metaphor and try again, the reader isn't impressed by recycling.
"willing it to stay alive" isn't clear enough. How? When? What? Why?
You're dissecting this too much. Look at how you open up the stem and leaves and whatnot in a purely...scientific way. It's not appealing, much like ripping apart a body is not seen as appealing. You need to make more mention of the reason and why this is beautiful, even if it is in a sorrowful or melancholy way.
Hope that helped,
Galerius
Nice poem. It had a powerful meaning which made me read it until the end in rapt attention
That's one of the good qualities a poem can have. To keep the reader bound or mesmerized by it.
Well, I said before, you have marvelously chosen the words to write the poem. They were both meaningful and creative. So I congratulate for that.
Didn't find any other mistakes, so Good luck.
Wow that was really profound! I really liked it and didn't see anything to correct which made me dissapointed!!! Hahaha. But it was still amazing just the same. Great job.