She was like the gentle falling rain. I would run out to meet her in the heart of the summer and play beneath the falling droplets. Her hands would be full of the shopping she did at the market but she would drop all in an instant and sweep me up into her strong arms.
She would cuff me gently and scold me, telling me that I would catch a fever playing in the rain. Then she would sigh in exasperation as I presented my muddy white shirt to her. Mama, I'm sorry. I would say. She would sigh. But it was so hot today, and the rain was so nice. Then she would smile and rub a towel over my short black hair.
***
She was like the gentle falling rain. Her tears would rain down on me, every time he hit her. She would touch my face and tell me to go hide somewhere and keep very quiet. Will we play a game? I would ask. Yes, yes. She said. Go hide, hurry.
And then I would go hide. I hid behind the wall, where I could still fit in a hole made years before I was born, and then I watched out for Mama. Then Papa would come home. And then Mama's tears will fall on me like the rain, and I had no power to stop them. I cannot stop the rain.
She was like the gentle falling rain. Sometimes I would go out in a shower and hold my hands out to catch the droplets from the heavens. I can never catch them all. I would spin and lunge and try to catch each falling drop. And mama was just like that. The day she left I ran, and I ran, and I ran, and I could not catch her.
And I remember, I knew she was gone, just like I knew the rain had stopped. All of a sudden the house was very quiet. I could no longer hear the gentle droplets on the roof. I can no longer hear her soft, soft humming. And I knew she had left me.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Really enjoyed reading this, and about your explanation for the parts it makes total sense (and I like your use of terms of musical dynamics, pretty clever)! Reading this I couldn't really see any faults if I'm honest, I was too busy enjoying it. The imagery / concept with the rain was brilliantly executed, crossing between rain and crying made for a really evocative image.
I look forward to reading Piano!
Hey Knightley. I've got to say, I'm a fan of your writing. Just dropping in for a quick crit.
I thought the word choice of "cuff" was odd, and a bit out of place. Maybe just leave it with "scold". Also, at first the transition between the first paragraph and the second confused me-- you seem to be referring to the gentle fall of rain as a part of the mother, purely metaphorical, but then in the second it's a physical rain that he's playing in, and it took me a couple of read-throughs to catch that. Just think about that transition from imaginary to concrete, and how better to execute it.
I could never catch them all . Watch your tenses-- the sudden appearance of present tense is jarring.
I love the "gentle fall of rain" theme running through here, but for such a small excerpt, you're overusing it. Great imagery isn't as striking when you're beating the audience over the head with it, which is what you're doing. The bolded part above is one example you can take out. We get that she's like the rain-- there's no use saying it over and over and over again. I would also take out either the second or third "She was a gentle fall of rain". Repetition is one thing-- redundancy is another.
Finally, I agree with Lily that the separation of the two sections seemed arbitrary, and I agree with the previous reviewer that some explanation is needed as to why the mother wouldn't take her child when she ran-- she seems protective, so why run away alone? That doesn't have to be explored here, but somewhere we'll need an answer.
Overall, a good snippet. Interested to see where it goes-- please, feel free to PM me when you get the other parts up, because I'd be happy to review. Happy writing, and good job!
~Evi
So sad.... I don't understand why the mom left her there though.. If the dad was so abusive, why didn't her mom take her with her. She seemed to love her child very much. Keep writing, I'm eagar to hear more.
Hey there again, Knightly!
So, I'm not going to get too nit pickie, namely because I'm at work and reviewing via my iPod...but also because there wasn't much to nit pick.
You have a lovely concept started here and I can definitely see where you're headed with this which is cool. The abstract idea works very well here. In fact, I've really only one complaint and that is the lack of emotion. I think you're definitely getting close to the level of emotion that you need but something is lacking a little and I can't quite put a finger on it so really focus the you main character and put a bit more detail into his mother's relationship with his father.
Also, just wondering, but why is the top section divided from the bottom. Perhaps there was some significance to it. I probably just missed it. >.<
Anyways, if you have any questions, you know how to reach me!