And in the middle of the flood, I felt my worth/ When you hold on to me, like I was your little life raft/ Please know, that you were mine as well.
-Snow Patrol
Life Raft
I’m sorry that I used you
To break the impact of my fall.
I fell into the chasm of his blue eyes
Imagining a plunge into the ocean;
I was so afraid of drowning
That I made you my lifesaver.
I’m sorry that I hung on to you
Squeezed the air right out of you,
I didn’t mean to drag you down,
Or drown you in saltwater teardrops.
I didn’t know how to swim, and you,
I needed you to stay afloat.
I’m sorry that your lungs are burning
From struggling to keep me floating,
And I’m sorry that your arms are tired
From holding me above the waves.
I’m sorry, and you deserve better,
Than being my life raft, left out on the water.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Wow, just wow!! I loved this poem it gave me chills of emotion. It was romantic, bueatiful, and a little eerie. It was well written! Good job
This poem had some beautiful imagery, and you made clear what you were trying to put across. I do feel like it's forced in many places, and some of the lines just don't run onto each other as well as they could, which bugs me to nearly no end - the use of punctuation in general was alright, but as a suggestion for the future, when you're using enjambment, don't capitalize the first letter of the next line. I'm not saying do this for every case, but it can add a nice touch sometimes and make the poem feel more personal and flow more easily.
Hi there! I love Snow Patrol. =]
I'm sorry, but while this is still a good poem, it's not the best that I've seen from you. I love your work and I do see the potential in this, so hopefully I can offer some help here. I find that the emotion in this seems a bit forced. The rhythm was off as well. You use some nice images, but I'm having trouble connecting with them.
I agree with Maddy; saviour would work better here. Lifesaver makes me think of the candy, and for some reason, it just doesn't seem to go.
I've seen the phrase about saltwater tears too many times. Try to find something more original. As for those last two lines, the rhythm really doesn't work for me.
Again, another overused phrase.
I do like the overall image I'm getting, however, of a churning ocean during a storm. This stays prevalent throughout your poem. But like I said, the rhythm and the emotion just wasn't there for me. I wasn't feeling it.
I do hope you edit this; you have so much talent.
Hey, Knightly! I'm Madz, and I'll be your reviewer for today.
I'd also suggest rewording the fourth line of the first verse to:
I fell into the chasm of his blue eyes
Whilst picturing a plunge in the ocean;
And:
That I made you my
lifesaversaviourBecause I think those changes will help with the flow of the poem to move forward. C:
But those changes are unnecessary if you don't feel that you like them.
That's all for today! I really quite liked it, too, and that you poster your inspiration for it. Not mayn YWSers do.
Keep writing!
-Maddy