Kiss me when I'm sober

I absolutely love it, good job! Make some more, please.

Very good imagery and rhyming. Perhaps we should not talk like this,
Tongues so laced with candid wish;
Or look into each other eyes,
And reading there such sweet demise.
I enjoyed this part very much. Keep on writing !

I think this is great! I love the visuals and I love how it sounds like you're catching yourself in a moment, watching from third person which is far away from the very raw environment ur describing.

I love how you write. There is a lot of passion in this poem.

I love this poem I lot. I think the imagery is beautifully done. I would love to nit-pick it, but I really can't. Any issues I have were either fixed or mentioned above. I think this is excellent.

This is a good one for sure. I really like your choice of language and description, I could clearly see the circumstances you were writing about and that's the idea right? Hehe, anyway, other than that, I just had to say that I'm not normally big on rhyming when I write, but this poem is one of the best ones that rhyme that I've seen in a long time...not on this site of course, this is only the third poem I've reviewed. I give this two thumbs up, and I'd love to read more things you've written!

I think this is an extremely pretty piece! It makes me think of reluctance with combined lust.

I liked how you used a rhyme scheme in your poem. The poem seemed a little strange but that's just the tongue part. Other wise I enjoyed this poem.

nice poetry and rhymes.. i like the poem and its deep message.. an expert work i guess.. keep up the nice poetry in you..

I really like this!
i thinks it's really brave and honest
specially because a lot of us are faced with this sort of situations
and i think this is essentially well written.
Great job.

This is what I simply love about your poetry! Your beginnings pull the reader in, and your endings are always so bold.
Perfection once again.

Hiya! When I saw your title the first thing that jumped to mind was the Evanescence song "Call Me When You're Sober". They're my favorite band so I had to check it out! I was very pleasantly surprised at your poem. It was very good and descriptive... in the words of several other reviewers, "it painted a picture with the words". Some of your lines are going to be stuck in my mind for a while now! I'm not much of a poet, so I can't really critique on the structure as well, because I wouldn't be able to do this. I'm commenting more on the word choice and acutal writing of it and both were very well done. I would say that this is pretty much perfect, but then again, I'm not much of poet
Best wishes and have a Happy Christmas!
Luxy

Hi,
Wow, I love your poem! The way you capture the subject is fantastic! This is a great piece of work, and I really enjoyed reading it. I loved the repetition and the vocabulary used makes it more glamorous! C'est magnifique!

Can you spell AMAZING?! Because I cannot fathom how amazing I find it. Maybe I'm over reacting because I'm tired and delirious, but nonetheless, I loved it now, and I'll love it tomorrow!
Please keep writing, for this poem made my day!

MissMadHatter

I really love this poem. My two favorite lines were:

Tongues so laced with candid wish
AND
From a fevered mind and fleeting kiss

Beacause they really show and don't tell. As said before, the repitition of perhaps was nice, because it shows the characters uncertainty about what is going on. This poem is short, to the point, and I like it that way. You chose a title that sucks the reader in, your language is precise and beautiful, and you get to the point in only four stanza's. You are a greta poetry, PM me if you post any more please.

Very nice! This is my first review, so I'm not going to say much; I'm I've in love with this poem, so beautiful. It's hard to choose my favorite line but; muy bien!

KnightlyAngel09 wrote:Perhaps we should not kiss tonight,
Beneath the hazy silver light;
Intoxicated by the fumes
Of cigarettes and cheap perfume.

Perhaps we should not dance tonight,
Lose ourselves in pulsing lights;
And spin around out of control,
Fueled on by alcohol.

Perhaps we should not talk like this,
Tongues so laced with candid wish;
Or look into each other eyes,
And reading there such sweet demise.

Perhaps we should not kiss tonight,
Beneath the blinding, numbing light;
And save the precious teenage wish,
From a fevered mind and fleeting kiss.

Ahaha so this is what the competition looks like. All I have to say is, wow! You have extraordinary talent for poems. I was so drawn in and it read so smoothly that I forgot to even watch for critiques (not that I would have found many anyways). I loved the realism of it and I could relate to it very well. Great work! I'll have to join the others and "like" it.

This is extremely good! I don't really have any edits. This poem really rang true, and it's beautifully written. Why not try turning it into a villanelle? It would be really good practice to further your writing skills, and this format, I think, leans heavily towards making a good villanelle. Just a suggestions, of course. You might find it interesting.

Really, no change is needed. Excellent job!

-Tori

that's a lovely poem. I love it when poems rhyme seems to make more sense to me

Hey there

i REALLy enjoyed this poetry it is amazing piece of poetry.. Everything seemed to fit perfectly together and made such great sence.I reallh hope you carry on writing and I hope to read more of your poems

Regards:
China Cookie

I absolutly ADORE your poem.
it was wonderful!
Do not listen to anyones corrections,
I think that it was absolutly perfect.
I found it bittersweat, to me it sounds like the peom was talking about a girl that doesn't want to fall in love, just to be hurt.
Thats just how I interpreted it.
Again I really enjoyed that and it was enchanting!

I really like this poem. I especially like the repetition of "Perhaps" as it shows the person's uncertainty and how he/she tries to persuade yet dissuade themselves.
Nice work!

KnightlyAngel09 wrote:Perhaps we should not kiss tonight,
Beneath the hazy silver light;
Intoxicated by the fumes
Of cigarettes and cheap perfume.
I love the description here.

Perhaps we should not dance tonight,
Lose ourselves in pulsing lights;
And spin around out of control,
Fueled on by alcohol.
this stanza is probably my favorite.

Perhaps we should not talk like this,
Tongues so laced with candid wish;
Or look into each other eyes,
And reading there such sweet demise.
I like how there's a sort of forewarning here about the unhappy ending

Perhaps we should not kiss tonight,
Beneath the blinding, numbing light;
And save the precious teenage wish,
From a fevered mind and fleeting kiss.

Hey Angel! I'm glad to see your poems back up, I've always loved them.

And with that, I can state I am not disappointed. I enjoyed this very much, it was easy to relate and it had a good feeling/flow to it. However, I am with Tim (Mr. Knightley) on the light repetition, it was something I found slightly annoying. My favourite use of it was on the second stanza.

As I mentioned, I loved the flow of the poem, the imagery, the simple vocabulary. I found the third line of the third stanza to be weaker compared to the rest, since it was slightly more cliché. The second stanza was my favourite!

Lovely work, keep it coming!
- Kat

First of all I LOVE THIS POEM
Second of all I LOVE THIS POEM
and your an amazing writer.
You made a scene for the audience that they can follow along to and see in their heads. I love how your title is "kiss me when I'm sober." It attracted me to your poem, and I'm glad I read it, it's one of the best one's I've read.

I'm not good at reviewing poems nor making one so I'm sorry that this one wouldn't be a helpful review. Anyway, this poem is so epically done. I can see no mistakes at all, and the rhyming and imagery is great.

Nice job! Keep writing.

I particularly like this poem's relatability; it describes a situation which many teenagers (myself included) have found themselves in. Your imagery, though perhaps a little repetetive at times, is very appealing, as are the emotions you present. I had a couple of nitpicks initially, but they've all been covered by other people, so I really have nothing else to say but great job!

This is why I love poetry. Painting a picture with words! Keep on writing!

This is a great poem. There is one line that doesn't sound right. "Fueled on by alcohol". There isn't enough syllables to it. It has great imagery. Overall it's great. Only a few changes are needed to make in 100% awesome!

Wow this poem is excellent. I would only make a few changes. The third stanza doesn't seem to flow though. Your use of literary devices are pretty good and your figurative language is excellent. Does this poem represent some deeper meaning in between the lines? I would really like to see a revised version of this but overall it is really good.

I LOVE THIS!
Keep Writing!
Nike

Hello, fellow Knight! Nice poem. Short and sweet; just the way I like it. You started off fairly strong, and ended even stronger, which is a great accomplishment. I don't feel like you lost any momentum at all. Nice work! On to the nitpicks:

KnightlyAngel09 wrote:Perhaps we should not kiss tonight,
Beneath the hazy silver light; "Silver light" feels out of place here. When I think of silver light, I think of the moon, and for me cigarettes and cheap perfume don't meld very well with moonlight. Maybe a reference to a dimly lit room (bar/pub/etc?) would work better.
Intoxicated by the fumes
Of cigarettes and cheap perfume.

Perhaps we should not dance tonight,
Lose ourselves in pulsing lights; Again, you've mentioned lights. Try using another phrase.
And spin around out of control,
Fueled on by alcohol. This was the only instance where I thought your rhyme was out of place. Unless you have an accent, "control" and "alcohol" don't rhyme, and I can't even think of an accent that would make them do that either way.

Perhaps we should not talk like this,
Tongues so laced with candid wish;
Or look into each other eyes,
And reading there such sweet demise. This whole stanza was visually and narratively awesome. Very vivid. Nice work.

Perhaps we should not kiss tonight,
Beneath the blinding, numbing light; Light again! I don't know if you wanted this to be a theme in your poem, but I don't think it works.
And save the precious teenage wish,
From a fevered mind and fleeting kiss.

Hello there

I have to say, this is perhaps the best poem I've read this month. Well written. I was brought into reading it, first of all, because of the title. Very enticing.

Tongues so laced with candid wish;

KnightlyAngel09 wrote:Perhaps we should not kiss tonight,
Beneath the hazy silver light;
Intoxicated by the fumes
Of cigarettes and cheap perfume.

KnightlyAngel09 wrote:Perhaps we should not talk like this,
Tongues so laced with candid wish;
Or look into each other eyes,
And reading there such sweet demise.

KnightlyAngel09 wrote:Perhaps we should not kiss tonight,
Beneath the blinding, numbing light;
And save the precious teenage wish,
From a fevered mind and fleeting kiss.

KnightlyAngel09 wrote:Perhaps we should not kiss tonight,
beneath the hazy silver light;
Intoxicated by the fumes
of cigarettes and cheap perfume.

Perhaps we should not dance tonight,
lose ourselves in pulsing lights;
And spin around out of control,
fueled on by alcohol.<--This line doesn't have as many syllable's as the others, it doesn't sound like it fits.

Perhaps we should not talk like this,
tongues so laced with a candid wish;
Or look into each other eyes,
and reading there such sweet demise.

Perhaps we should not kiss tonight,
beneath the blinding, numbing light;
And save the precious teenage wish,
from a fevered mind and fleeting kiss.