Doomed Men

by KnightlyAngel09

  • Poetry
  • Dramatic

Published July 13, 2009

Scrapped. Will work from concept and strive to make better. If not, scrapped altogether.

Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
defendthelegend
Comment
defendthelegend commented Comment · Jul 15, 2009

Hello,
First of all. The last few lines of every verse is too confusing. Like everyone else it's the repetition that does it. Maybe leaving it out. or slightly changing the wording, because then it can be powerful

hope I helped

User avatar
bludragon525
Review
bludragon525 wrote a review Review · Jul 13, 2009

Hey!

Like both darko and Tayla, I didn't like your repeating part. It sounds..... insecure, and I would suggest taking it out.

Men move hurriedly, racing the sun to the skyline,

Running, running, the world is a race track.



We are racing to win, we are living,

We are living.



Are we living?



Or







Are we dying?


Okay, this stanza completely lost me. It's so different then the other two stanzas, that it feels.... out of place.

We are racing to win, we are living,
We are living.


Um, there was too much repetition in this line alone. More so than the other lines. I guess it's because you just repeated the line, whereas in the other lines you put some more words.

I loved your last few lines.

I think that's about it. You had a great idea, but you didn't develop your poem enough.

Hope that helps!

zOe :smt043

User avatar
darko.demark666
Review
darko.demark666 wrote a review Review · Jul 13, 2009

KnightlyAngel09 wrote:Slowly, the sun wakens from his slumber
And starts a flame at the edge of the world,
His brushstrokes are slow as he colors the horizon;
He is coloring the horizon,
Or

Is he burning the sky?

I'm not so sure about repeating either. It sounds so...umm...violent actually. I think it won't hurt the poem if you delete that.
And "or". Why or? It delivers the poem some insecurity (and you even misplaced it so we can clearly see that "mistake") and if YOU're not sure, who is it then?

KnightlyAngel09 wrote:The raindrops fall softly upon verdure and concrete,
Inch by inch, waters rise in the streets of the city;
It is bathing the trees, nourishing grass,
It is nourishing nature,
Or

Is it drowning the city?

Now I have a suggestion: "Nourishing nature it is" instead the last verse. What do you think, huh? Huh? Huh :!: :?: The repetition sounds much better(in my opinion) if it's like: word1 word 2, word2 word 1

KnightlyAngel09 wrote:Men move hurriedly, racing the sun to the skyline[s],[/s] -
Running, running, the world is a race track.

We are racing to win, we are living,
We are living.

Are we living?

Or


Are we dying?

First of all, this stanza is completely different from everything in this poem. Everything in this stanza goes backwards so if you had bad repetitions in first and second stanza, now you have awful repetitions. If you had quite good images in the first two stanzas, now they are just okay etc.
The idea behind this poem is great, but you didn't manage to develop something good as the idea itself. :(
I didn't like all those questions either-it seems you are quite unsure about something and if anyone of us was sure, you made him unsure after this poem. :?
Are we living or are we dying? Nice, I think we are and living and dying at the same time, no matter what, we can live and die only once. (This shouldn't be in the review :lol: )

User avatar
TaylaChase
Comment
TaylaChase commented Comment · Jul 13, 2009

Hi,
Good job! I didn't find any spelling errors but when you repeated yourself you used a comma then a capital. Also, I'm not sure if you should repeat yourself.

We are racing to win, we are living,
We are living.

~Tayla



Bananas
— looseleaf