Do not speak of love

Hi,

Usually my advice would be to lose the rhyming pattern and avoid archaic-sounding sentiments ("Do not speak of love, I beg") but honestly I don't feel that this applies here. This is the sort of pattern and language which could easily present a lot of problems but you make it work. It flows very nicely and at no point seems forced, because of your careful attention to the words which you choose and the rhythm which you create.

The only thing I would change is "Mama says he is too poor" to "Mama said, "He is too poor!" " so you're not changing between tenses in this stanza. I also think that making it into dialogue at this point will make it more lively and leave your careful attention to word sound unaffected.

Hope this helps. I enjoyed this very much.

Jas

I wouldn't say it's completely useless. I really liked it, especially the simplicity of it. It wasn't over complicated and in various places it actually made sense. It did in my opinion have feeling in it. I don't know why you would think it wouldn't, I know this was just an experiment to see rhyming done but it worked because you only rhymed the 2nd and 4th lines. It wasn't too much. The poem was short though. You could always think of extending it. And the story climaxes but there isn't really an ending. The story in it is well told, simple but effective. And I'm sorry I haven't given much to correct but I hope you find this useful. Don't be as hard on yourself

Do not speak of love, I beg,
Or else my heart will break;
My love has left me on my own
To sit, and hope, and wait.

Helluu, I'm Demoness and here comes my review.. or it's not a review cause I say nothing helpful it's just a declare of my admiration for the piece xDD

Simple but flawless!
I loved the rythm, the flow, the rhymes, the structur, the stanzas, the imagery, the description and the last stanza was just brilliant!

"Do not speak of love, I beg,
Or else my heart will break;
My love has left me on my own
To sit, and hope, and wait."

Sometimes I think there can't be any simple and plain ways of writing a love-poem without sounding cliché but I'll tell you this.. you did!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

For me, this piece really clicked. I find myself going through this exact same thing right now, so I could really connect to the poem. Your use of small, simple words sort of made the "love" here feel almost childish, which I liked but also didn't like. A child wouldn't be feeling this way about things like that, and the words you use seem like a child's vocabulary. (Not saying that you have a child's vocab.! It's just your word choice in this particular poem.) But at the same time I sort of liked this effect, because love can certainly make one feel childish!
Well I know that was almost no help, and I'm kind of out of it today, so it probably made almost no sense as well. >.< Sorry about that.
Keep Writing! I enjoyed this piece!
~Lukan

You used simple words which, for me, is good since not all readers are genius in words and that results in reading without really digesting the thought of your literary piece.