I shall play a song for you,
To raise your kneeling soul;
Tie you in my melody,
And sing to keep you whole.
Crumble not, I beg of you;
Let my music mend.
The notes that spring from this guitar
Are all your oldest friends.
They shall dance upon your ear
And serenade your brain;
Listen to my voice, I plead,
My song will heal your pain.
Give your shaking hand to me,
Let all else fade away;
Dry your tears upon my sleeve
And hear me as I play.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I agree with Deleted6 when it comes to the title, there is just a bit too much repetition, however, I do respect your use of powerful diction. The tone itself is beautiful and you should continue it, or add it to a plot in a story maybe, only if you want to of course. Then again, yes I am about to contradict my own advice, there is some gracefulness in the “short but sweet” forms of poetry.
Okay this is amazing, I've one tiny tiny suggestion though. This seems more like a ballad sorta deal, like it should have music with it. I could imagine ya strumming it to ya sweetheart while her face was near pink. Write some music to go with it, and let us hear by uploading it to some site.
Ah, I've another complaint, the title, it's unoriginal. Go with something more poetic, otherwise, just seems your repeating the words over.
Now this is my harshest bit in the review, it's beautiful, but by no small stretch is it original, instead it's quite cliche, sweet but cliche as hell. Also when ya read it again, sounds kinda pretentios, you try to sound so old, it ain't a good thing, I understand the idea of Knights, chivaly, woman love, most of the time, but even a Knight can make it sound original. It's passable, by most standard, just a little pretentios.
Hope this helps.
VSN
Hiya! As usual, you did a good job here. It was simple and straight to the point, which was what I liked about this poem. Like niteowl mentioned, the rhyming's not forced and sounds natural.
However, in the first two lines:
"I shall play a song for you,
To raise your kneeling soul;"
'Kneeling' sounds like a bit awkward here. Also, 'soul' is a little cliche. I'd use something like 'spirit' or 'figure,' but maybe it's just me.
Overall, nice job. I'm looking forward to your next work!
Wow. Usually I can't stand rhyming poetry, but this piece reminded me of how good it can be when done well. No forced rhyming, it all made sense, and very original. But of course, I'm not going to leave you with nothing but praise, so I have to critique something.
For some reason, I didn't like the third stanza. No idea why, and I don't really have suggestions for improvement, but it just didn't fit as well in my mind. Maybe it was the "brain/pain" rhyme?
Also, it would be interesting to get a little more backstory (why is "you" in pain? Why does the speaker care? etc.) but it's not really necessary. Maybe that could be another poem...
Anyway, great job. I especially liked the first stanza. Keep writing!
It's beautiful!!! Don't change one bit of it!!! Look I'm crying!!! It go me all sentimental!!!! Like I said don't change it!!! It's perfect just the way it is!!!!
Great!
wookielover17