A pity, Beauty

Hi KnightlyAngel09,

This was truly stunning and very beautiful. I thought it was gentle, yet it still had some emotional strength - it wasn't brittle and fall to pieces. I liked the repitition of "Beauty, pity..." and the poem came to a simple, gentle, elegant end. I also didn't mind the fact that some parts of the poem rhymed and some didn't.

Stunning.

Miyakko.

Beauty, pity your broken soul,
Venture not in a month so cold.
The December winds will chill your bones,Great first three lines
‘Til heart and blood be made of stone.

Beauty, pity your clean, white hands,
Break not your thumbs upon the land.
The soil you dig reveals no trace, Beauty's hands aren't clean if it's digging
Of the buried, vanished, handsome face.

Beauty, pity your satin skin,
Your arms and face now grown so thin;
Beauty, blind your seeking gaze,
That which you seek is all in flames. beautiful lines... gaze and flames don't really work though

Beauty, pity your loveliness,
Capture but a moment’s rest;
You search the world for a single clue—
But Beauty, the world’s forgotten you. ohh how i wish it were true!


I LOVED THIS.
*like*

This poem is so elegant and beautiful. It sounds so proper and gentle - it reminds me of a tea party!

Beauty, pity your broken soul, I love this repeated line and how it changes.
Venture not in a month so cold.
The December winds will chill your bones,
‘Til heart and blood be made of stone. You could say 'stones' here, to make it rhyme better.

Beauty, pity your clean, white hands, This would be better as a period.
Break not your thumbs upon the land.
The soil you dig reveals no trace,
Of the buried, vanished, handsome face.

Beauty, pity your satin skin,
Your arms and face now grown so thin;
Beauty, blind your seeking gaze,
That which you seek is all in flames. If you want this line to rhyme, you could somehow use 'blaze' instead of flames if you wish.

Beauty, pity your loveliness,
Capture but a moment’s rest;
You search the world for a single clue—
But Beauty, the world’s forgotten you. Beautiful ending!

Hey Knightlyangel09, incredible poem! I love it! Honestly speaking I never thought I'd see a poem like this written again, the wording and excellent phrasing give it a sort of romantic sensuousness (It also looked like you tried to use a simple tetrameter which is perfect for lyric poetry, it gives the lines a certain musical quality). Though regarding the tetrameter there were a few discrepancies:

The December winds will chill your bones,
Of the buried, vanished, handsome face.



Beauty, blind your seeking gaze,
Capture but a moment’s rest;

I don't know, I thought the last line sounded fine how it was... but other than that I agree with the person above, I also think it's an awesome poem :]

Hello, KnightlyAngel, Tassen Spellbinder here to review your poems!

"The soil you dig reveals no trace,
Of the buried, vanished, handsome face."
-- I really think that the comma after trace is unnecessary.

"Beauty, pity your satin skin,
Your arms and face now grown so thin;
Beauty, blind your seeking gaze,
That which you seek is all in flames."
-- This stanza breaks the pattern you established in the first two. First, I would make two sentences, as in the previous stanzas, and figure out a way not to start the third line with beauty. You had a marvelous structure previously, and this detracts from it.

"But Beauty, the world’s forgotten you."
-- I would write this as '...the world has forgotten you.' I think the contraction sounds slightly awkward.

An excellent poem. Keep up the good work!