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Young Writers Society



Twelfth Night: Chapter One

by KnightTeen


If music be the food of love, play on,

Give me excess of it

~Orsino~

Twelfth Night

Act One

Scene I

A girl-no, a woman, stood under a mountain, clad in nothing but a nightdress. Her eyes roamed the sea that crashed into the rocks bedside her, staring over the bleak expanse to take in the wreck of the ship that she had been sailing on. She was not alone, however. The other survivors stood with her.

“It is a miracle that we have survived.” a man stated.

“Is it?” the woman asked. “Or is it a curse?”

“Miss,” he replied, “We are alive when in truth, that storm should have killed us all. How can you ask if we are cursed?”

“What is life if there is nothing in it to live for?” she queried. “With this accident, I have lost everything that I held dear. My mother died in child birth, my father by a fever, and now the only thing I had left in the world, my brother, is carried away from me by the sea.” she paused, turning to look the man dead in the eye. “I wish you had not saved me, Captain.” her voice was colder than ice.

While the surviving crew and passengers stared at her in stunned silence, she stepped away from the cliff edge, and turned to look at the rolling country-side that stretched behind the water-logged party. Her voice rose, “Does anybody know what country we have landed ourselves in?”

“Aye, madam.” the Captain replied. “This, fair lady, is Illyria.”

“And what shall I do in Illyria? My brother has left me for heaven.” Though she knew that he had to have perished, she still asked with a slight tone of hope in her voice, “By chance he did not drown, sailors, what is your opinion?”

“It was only by a chance that you were saved, madam.” a helmsmen answered her plea.

Her eyes filled with tears that, even though she knew would bring her release, she would not shed. The other survivors determined to search the wreckage that was washing up on shore, hoping to find their possessions among them, and enough supplies to sustain them until they happened upon a town. She did not go with them as they dispersed, nor did the Captain. He stood with the almost-weeping maid, having made up his mind to not leave her alone. A second later, his coat was off and draped around her shoulders.

“I do now pretend to understand your grief,” he said quietly, “But I think that I can lighten your heart a little. Minutes after your brother shoved you into my arms and into the life-boat, I saw him bind himself to the mast. Because of the strength of the wood, he and the mast floated for a good long while, until I could no loner see them in the distance. It was then we washed up on shore.

She did not respond for a long while, fearing if she did so her voice would break and her eyes would spill over. Only when she was once again in control of herself did she respond, “I thank you for the hope you have given me sir. Here,” she reached down the front of her nightgown and pulling out a small pouch filled with coin, “a reward for you.”

The captain put his hand on top of hers and pushed the pouch back to her breast. “I will not take your money, madam.” he whispered harshly. “Especially not now, when you have need of it most.” Taking in his expression of stubbornness, she simply nodded in compliance and stowed the money back in the place from which it had come.

Straightening herself slightly, the woman pulled the coat tighter around her shoulders as a cold wind blew. “Sir,” she inquired of the Captain, “Do you know this country?”

“Aye,” was his reply, “For I was bred and born here.”

“Who is the ruler?”

“A duke, madam, who is honorable and fair in all qualities.”

“And what is the name of this noble duke?” she asked, a teasing lilt to her voice.

“Orsino.”

Her eyes lit up in remembrance. “Orsino! Of course, how could I forget? I have heard my father speak of him often while we were home in Messaline. Both he and Orsino's father were great friends once, and remained so until their deaths. Why, I have even met the duke once or twice, while he was a youth and I nothing but a girl.” she looked down at herself ruefully. “I doubt he would remember me now.” she shook herself. “He was a bachelor then, is he still unmarried?”

“You looking for a husband now, lass?” The Captain asked good-naturedly, and then laughed as the woman pretended to gag. “You don't have to worry about that, he is still not married. Although, when I last traveled to visit my sister, who lives on his land, the rumor was that he sought the love of the fair Olivia.”

“And who is she?” the woman asked curiously.

“A maiden who is the daughter of a local count.” He paused, looking at her with a hint of woe in his eyes. “She is much like you, madam, for her father died but a year ago. He left her in the care of her elder brother, who has also recently died. Hunting accidents, the both of them. Terrible tragedy it was. And ever since the last funeral, it is said that she actively avoids the company of men outside those under her employ.”

The woman's eyes lit up, “Oh, I wish that I could meet that lady and offer her my services as a maid. I would welcome the type of solitude that she offers.”

“That is not likely to happen.” the Captain warned, “As it is not just male company that she refuses. She has also barred her doors to any visitors that may wish to darken them, and continuously turns away all those who seek entrance, regardless of their gender. She is very much turned from the world in her grief.”

“I understand her reasoning.” the woman said quietly, “I wish that I had fortune enough that I could do the same.”

The captain studied the girl. She couldn't be no more than seventeen, and yet the weight of the world rested on her shoulders. With no means to support herself, he knew that she would soon starve or be reduced to begging. He reached out suddenly and grasped her shoulders.

“If I know my geography of this land, my sister's house is not a days walk from here. I offer you a room and a seat at her table for as long as you need it.” He spoke earnestly, and his voice resonated with truth. But still...

“Your sister will not mind an unexpected guest?”

He shook his head. “Anna is a widow who lives comfortably on an inheritance from both our father and her husband. She only has two children, and runs a boarding house. An extra mouth will not be noticed.”

“You are certain, Sir?” she pressed.

“I give you my word as an Illyrian, whatever that may mean to you.”

She grasped his hands which still rested on her shoulders. “You have saved my life. You have my trust.”

Turning, they said their goodbyes to the other survivors and began to make their way up the low mountain. Although she felt she shouldn't, the woman turned back. Reaching to the necklace that had been a gift from her father on her last birthday, she quickly unclasped it, pressed a kiss to it, and cast it out to the waves. The sunlight that reflected off of it shone in her eyes for a moment, and then it was gone. And so was she.

~*~

One week. That's all it took before she cracked. It wasn't that she wasn't grateful, for she was. And it wasn't that she was completely unhappy, because even with the tragedies that had befallen her she kept a smile on her face. Anna's two children never failed to make her laugh, however small, and she had food aplenty and a roof over her head. She was grieving, yes, but content.

However, one thing that drove her mad was that Anna and Hans (as she learned this was the Captain's name) refused any and all payment she felt that she owed them for keeping her there. They argued that she assisted in the keeping of the house and all it's residents, and in truth she did help cook and clean, as much as she was able. But, in her past life she had been a noblewoman, and as such she was somewhat (not all for her mother-figure growing up was the Cook) unaccustomed to housework.

But no matter in what form she paid them, she was not content with the amount. Nor was she content in the fact that she was practically living in a stasis, neither going forward or back. As happy as she was to stay with the Captain and his family, she knew that she could not remain there forever.

But the alternative that she proposed nearly gave Hans a few more gray hairs than his nephews and his occupation had already gifted him.

“P-please,” he stuttered out, as Anna gaped at her from beside him. “Say that again. I think that my ears stopped working once you opened your mouth.”

She smirked at them. It was evening, and they were all cleaning the kitchen while the boys and the boarders went to bed. Anna and Hans were washing dishes from the evening meal while she swept the floors clean. Her statement had frozen them both.

“I said that I am going to disguise myself as a man and ask for a position in Orsino's courts. As a scribe or perhaps a bard.” she paused, gleefully taking the pair in, “You think that I am mad, do you not?”

Anna somehow found her voice. “Aye, lass, that we do. What made ye think of such a hair-brained scheme?”

The woman grew visibly more somber than she had been a minute before. “I have no great skills that would tempt any honest man to employ me, and as for the dishonest ones who would,” she grimaced, “I would never enter that type of work. My father and brother would roll over in the graves. The only skills that I have are those suited under the employment of a noblewoman, yet the only one currently living in these lands is not seeking help.

“But I heard word in the market place today that Orsino is. And so, I shall put on my brother's clothes and be a scholar to him.”

The brother and sister were still gaping in shock. “Madam,” the Captain spoke softly, in fear of waking those in the above chambers, “Did you not tell me that you knew this man when you were younger? Why not simply entreat him for a place to stay if that is what you so desire.”

She set down the broom. “You have made it very clear to me that I have a home here, and for that I am eternally indebted to you.” she stepped over to them and took both their hands. “But I am an independent woman,” she continued passionately, “And while a home is a good thing to have, I also desire a means of supporting myself. As I said, a woman of m skills cannot get honest work here in this place, unless they already own it, as you do Anna. But a man has many more options at his fingertips.

“So, for the time being, I will be a man. Will you give me aid?”

Hans let out a peal of deep laughter, causing both women to look at him in concern. Anna placed her free hand on his back and gave it several thumps in the hope that he would regain his senses. He did a few moments later, wiping tears from his eyes as he looked the woman dead in the face.

“Even if I refuse to help you, I know that you will attempt this anyway.I think I'd rather it be under my eye than away from it.” Ignoring Anna's gasp of protest, he continued on, “Come girl, let's make you into a man.”

Her eyes full of gratitude that she knew not how to express, she simply settled for raising up on her toes and pressing her lips to his cheek. He released her hand, and raising his to her head gently drew it through her hair like a brush. Eying the mass in his palm critically he nodded to himself. “This will have to go.” he stated firmly. She looked at him in shock. “All of it.” Her pained whimper echoed through the halls.


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Sun Apr 27, 2014 5:07 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Hey boo! ^^ So I'm not really a fan of Shakespeare? And I've never read this? But review I shall, and sorry if I get confused and ramble on. xD


The other survivors were determined to search the wreckage


Add in the bolded.

“I do now pretend to understand your grief,”


Not*

They argued that she assisted in the keeping of the house and all it's residents,


Its*


And there are other nitpicks but they were pointed out by the previous reviewers. So let's move on.

This is pretty good so far! I think the only thing that confused me was when Hans (you just had to use Hans and Anna didn't you? *glares*) said that her brother might have survived the shipwreck. He said that the brother was staying afloat with a mast right? But then his sister just walks away, even though she was so upset that he was dead. So yeah, I'm confused.

But other than that, this looks like it's off to a good start. I do hate that we don't even know the main character's name though. How are we supposed to connect with her? Unless I missed it somewhere... and if you say it's Elsa, I'll hurt you.

I like that the captain has taken to adopting her xD he seems so loving and fond of her already. As if he's responsible for her. I adore that. I also like his reaction to her saying that she was planning on posing as a man. Is this what Shakespeare's sonnet is about? I outta read it then. That's awesome. I also loved her reaction at the end!

Off to read chapter two. ^^

~Iggy




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Sun Apr 27, 2014 3:40 am
Snowery wrote a review...



Hey! Silver here to review for you!! :)

Main Points

“I wish you had not saved me, Captain.” her voice was colder than ice.


There should be a comma instead of a period after "captain".

even though she knew would bring her release,


I feel that this would flow better without the "even".

And so was she.


This isn't in first person or part of a dialogue so technically you shouldn't start this with "and".

almost-weeping maid


I really liked that line :D

I rally enjoyed this! I haven't read the twelfth night so I'm enjoying it as a story. I liked the end especially and I felt you kept the historical part of this well. Sorry that this is kind of a lame review :( I'm in a rush but I look forward to seeing more! Keep it up and happy writing!! :)

Silverlock

“I do now pretend to understand your grief,”


I think "now" should be "not"?

I really li




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Sun Apr 27, 2014 3:07 am
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PenguinAttack wrote a review...



Hullo hullo Knight,

I hope you feel duly honoured to be my first review in soo long. I like what you're doing here! I enjoy Twelfth Night as a play (though remember little of it) and I love seeing adaptations. You've chosen to make this play into a more modern narrative, which is easy to see, and it is working for the most part.

There is, however, a feeling of disconnect in the language/behaviour of your MC and the people she interacts with. It's almost like you haven't quite convinced yourself that this is how you want to portray her. Consider strength of voice as well as strength of character. I want to ask you to consider realism as well, but these such narratives aren't the place for reality. Is there a reason why she doesn't have the money to set up her importance in court, being a noble woman? She doesn't have money or property in the name of her brother/extended family she could rely on at all? I suppose I'm confused by her utter lack of avenue, even though it makes sense to push the narrative though. I also wish she had tried the other noble woman, because I'd like to see her making an attempt even before the one she is making now.

Also description! You have very little of it here, is that due to the movement from play to narrative? I would like to see more of that here but understand if you don't feel like including it would be important.

Otherwise I'm super interested in this! And shall read on.

-Pen

Edit: ... Haaha I don't even know why this turned up as a comment as well. Whaaaaat.




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Sun Apr 27, 2014 12:00 am
rawrafied wrote a review...



Here are some corrections/suggestions:

A girl-no, a woman...
Single hyphens are used to combine two words together to make a new one. Use a double hyphen to show interruption of thought.

"...we have survived.” a man stated.
This is a speech tag, so the period after 'survived' should be a comma. There's a few other instances of this, such as:
“Aye, madam.” the Captain replied.


...she paused, turning to...
This is not a speech tag and is a separate thought from the quote. Therefore, 'she' should be capitalized. Same thing with 'her' in 'her voice was colder than ice'.

The other survivors determined to search the wreckage...
'Determined' requires the helping verb 'were' here.

I saw him bind himself to the mast.
I'm a little confused by this section. Why would he tie himself to the piece of the sinking ship? I'm hoping it was detached. Also, that wood is not hollow and would probably not be the greatest for floating if it was detached.

...and pulling out a small pouch filled with coin...
Should be 'pulled' and 'coins' or 'a coin'. Though why would you have a pouch if it only held one coin? xD

...and pushed the pouch back to her breast.
Umm, this is actually kind of scandalous. ^////^ Even if it is under good intentions.

...and all it's residents...
Should use the possessive 'its' here. So sans apostrophe.

What made ye think...
The 'ye' here seemed random. Anna is officially the only person here speaking Old English and it seems inconsistent.

... a woman of m skills cannot get...
Typo here. Should be 'my'.

...settled for raising up...
Should be 'rising'.

He released her hand, and raising his to her head gently drew it through her hair like a brush.
I know you're trying to say he rain his hand through her hair, but the second half is ambiguous about it. Would suggest commas around 'raising his to her head'.

Aside from this, it was an amusing read. You had a nice beginning paragraph and what description you chose to give was well chosen and well-done. The writing was pretty good other than some technical stuff. Though, I'm not sure how I feel about this just being a novelized version of the play. It would be nice if you could add your own spin to it rather than going straight from the play.






Hullo hullo Knight,

I hope you feel duly honoured to be my first review in soo long. I like what you're doing here! I enjoy Twelfth Night as a play (though remember little of it) and I love seeing adaptations. You've chosen to make this play into a more modern narrative, which is easy to see, and it is working for the most part.

There is, however, a feeling of disconnect in the language/behaviour of your MC and the people she interacts with. It's almost like you haven't quite convinced yourself that this is how you want to portray her. Consider strength of voice as well as strength of character. I want to ask you to consider realism as well, but these such narratives aren't the place for reality. Is there a reason why she doesn't have the money to set up her importance in court, being a noble woman? She doesn't have money or property in the name of her brother/extended family she could rely on at all? I suppose I'm confused by her utter lack of avenue, even though it makes sense to push the narrative though. I also wish she had tried the other noble woman, because I'd like to see her making an attempt even before the one she is making now.

Also description! You have very little of it here, is that due to the movement from play to narrative? I would like to see more of that here but understand if you don't feel like including it would be important.

Otherwise I'm super interested in this! And shall read on.

-Pen




As the notifications drift in I stop and wonder. Why do they take so long? Do they have adventures we don't know about? I bet they do. When they come I will ask myself. What amazing adventure has this straggling notification been on? How far did it travel, and why didn't it take me?
— TypoWithoutCoffee