The Diary of Me: September 14th

Well, my last few days have been amazing. I think. 

They were definitely a lot less hard then the day everyone thought Dick and I had done the dirty. He managed to straighten things out with his ex and she now understands that nothing happened. I'm still getting some looks at school, but it doesn't hurt as much. 

And Dick and I are definitely done with whatever we were doing. 

But, anyway, yeah, my days started to look up. And Friday ended up being the best and worst night of my life (so far). 

To start off with explaining why, I'll have to tell you that I have been best friends with Rocky Evan Lewis for as long as I can remember and then some. Being less than two months apart in age, we're so close that we call each other our, 'twin'. I have no secrets from him, and he has none from me. If I have a problem, he is the first person that I turn to. And vice versa. 

I am so lucky to have him in my life. I know for sure that I wouldn't be alive right now if it weren't for him. 

To continue; this is Rocky's senior year of highschool. He's in the marching band. 

Put those two together and you get the fact that this is his last year in HS band. Because of this, he asked me to try to make it to some of the home games when I could. I love him far too much to tell him no. 

This Friday was a home game. And since I had the day off from work, I kept my promise and got in my car as soon as I finished eating. It was cold, so I grabbed a hoodie on the way out the door. 

At first, everything was amazing. I got to hang out with a bunch of friends that I hadn't seen in a long, long time. We drank hot chocolate and made fun of our team, each other, and just generally talked trash and enjoyed the company.

But then Rocky's brother entered our circle. 

My relationship with Dean is extremely complicated. We've been sort-of-friends for years, kind of close but not really. You know what I'm saying, journal? There have been periods where we are the best of friends, or the worst of enemies. And the thing that makes it complicated: 

I've been in love with him for years, but I never told him because I was afraid that he would stop being my friend. 

For some reason, he stayed by my side for the entire last half of the game. The conversation was easy, and we made small talk all through the third quarter. The end of the fourth is where it got weird. 

We decided to leave early to beat the traffic (which turned out to be impossible since someone parked directly behind me and I was parked behind one of the buildings). Since we parked in the same lot, he walked me out to my car. We took the long way, since I told him honestly that I wanted to do anything but go home at this moment. (My mom and I had a fight, again, which is a story for another time.)

By the time we discovered I wasn't going anywhere for a while, we heard that the furniture store on Main Street was burning. Because I needed to drive down that road to get home, and because Dean is an insane pyromaniac, we decided to go check it out before the traffic got to bad. After discovering that the road was blocked out and the blaze was intense (no one was hurt, but the store was completely decimated) he drove me back to my car and we sat in his seat and talked. 

Somehow or other we got on the topic of relationships and kissing. And the next thing I know, he's sliding over in the seat and his tongue is sliding into my mouth. His lips pressed to mine and his hands raised up to cup my face gently before slipping down to my waist and circling around to press against my back. He wasn't forceful, letting me dictate everything that happened. 

And I wasn't still as a statue, before you say anything. I pressed back, turning my head gently every so often and nipping his bottom lip as I did so. As his arms circled my waist, mine circled his neck. He tasted amazing, like the coffee and hot chocolate that we had just finished drinking. Some Luke Bryan song was playing in the background (from his radio, not in my head! I happen to live in reality.) but I wasn't paying attention to it anymore. 

We stayed like that for at least ten minutes before I got a text from my mom. She knew that the game had ended and wondered why I wasn't home yet. I kissed him twice more, quickly, before making some excuse to my mom about traffic and hopping out of his truck. He cracked some joke about JimBob (a man at our church) figuring out that there really is something going on between Dean and me before we both pulled out of the lot. (JimBob thinks we're secretly dating, and have been for a while.) 

I saw him at church today, but we didn't get to talk much since our parents were there. We're grabbing lunch tomorrow though, and we're going to talk about this then. 

I have to admit, I'm a little worried. As much as he seemed to like it, what if he regrets it now? He always used to crack jokes about how I was waaay to crazy for him, so what if now he agrees with them and doesn't even want to try anything else? 

The sad fact is, I'm so head-over-heels for this guy that I will go along with whatever he wants, no questions asked. He wants to pretend it never happened, it never happened. He wants to just be friends? Done. No matter how much it hurts me, it will hurt even more if I lose him completely.