Published April 28, 2010
Alright, Syd, I think, Just pee. It’s easy. And it’ll be negative. I sit on the closed toilet seat lid. It’s always come down. To the dramatic moment which girl pees on stick. This girl isn’t excited to pee on stick.
I love my boyfriend. I love him more then anything. That’s why I decided to, well, do the deed with him. We took every precaution, every step. But it was so much fun.
Losing my virginity to Ben, my boyfriend, my sweet boyfriend, is amazing. It’s like finally figuring out how babies are made, without the embarrassing Health class videos.
Stop digressing, Syd! I slowly open the box.
“Sydney!” My mother calls.
“I’m in the bathroom!” I call back. I bite my tongue and open the box really slowly.
“Dinner!” My mother persists. I roll my eyes. Dinner could wait. This is my future.
“Later.” I call back. I sit back on the toilet and take the test.
It feels like forever waiting for the result. I shake the stick, pacing my heated tile floor. Slowly, almost like magic, words begin to appear. Positive.
Well, shit. That’s just great.
I have to tell Ben. It’s the first thing I have to do. Then we’ll deal with our parents, and raising a baby. I sigh deeply. It’s been a week, and now I have nine months of teenager hood left.
I grasp my cell phone, and scroll to Bens cell phone entry. I shut my eyes. I can just picture the shock of auburn hair, his intense green eyes.
I don’t know how he’ll react. Part of me doesn’t even want to tell him, just pop the surprise on him in six months.
The rational part of me says that’s dumb. I can’t just pop this on him like I would a birthday present. I hit the talk button and hold my breath.
“Sydney.” He says, like there’s something urgent he has to tell me. It’s the normal way he answers his phone. Ben does everything fast, talk, walk
“Ben, I have to tell you something.” I say. He must have picked up on the panic in my voice.
“What? Syd, What?” He asks. I can barely get myself to utter the two words. I think I’m choking on them
“I’m pregnant.”
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140,218 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
Hi Kit!
So, I'm really torn as to what my general thoughts on this piece are. There were a few things I liked, and a few things I didn't like. I like how you were able to capture so much emotion in such a short piece. When I first skimmed it over, I thought it seemed a little cliche-and the subject is. However, you really made this piece your own by having a clean style that gets to the point and doesn't spend time frolicking over unimportant details.
However, I do think you could just have a bit more detail, especially with the characters. To be honest, I don't really know much about Sydney enough to really care. I want to care about her, but I just don't. Since you're writing this in first person, I would take advantage of that and go a little bit more detail about her past and feelings. I felt like her reaction was real under-played. What does she think is going to happen to her? How is she going tell her parents? Is she afraid to do so? You make it clear that she doesn't want a baby, but what does she want to do?
Ben also seemed a little iffy to me. He doesn't really do much within the actual story. I think you could probably have Sydney leave a message or something-that would increase the tension-and then you could wait to actually introduce him into the follow-up.
Anyway, good luck revising this, and PM me if you have any questions. I'll get to reviewing the follow-up as soon as I can.
-Elinor xo
Hola! Wow, I really liked this. I really felt all the emotion in it. Anyway, for the review:
Okay, I think you just were really excited to write this or something, and you typed too fast and left out some words. This turned the phrasing a little wonky. Don't worry, we've all done it, but you should try to proofread things before putting them on YWS.
It should be was because she's talking about the past, not the present. And do we really need the "my boyfriend, my sweet boyfriend" bit? She already said she had sex with her boyfriend, and the reader can infer that's the only boy she's done it with, so we can also infer that (le gasp) Ben must be her boyfriend if she lost her virginity to him, without all the overkill. She also said she loved him, so we don't need to hear her fawning over him (my sweet boyfriend). It doesn't seem to fit her (see below next quote).
Also, the little simile in the 2nd sentence left me sorta ... inside. Because well, it is how babies are made. Similes compare unlike things, not the exact same thing in different ways. Plus, I hear your first time hurts. Not that I'd know or anything. Anyway, moving on before this convo gets really awkward.
You shifted tenses here, into past.
I really liked this, because it really establishes character. No drama, or over-reaction. It's so different from how I would react, first of all. (I would be more like "Holy [bleep]ing [bleep], what the [bleep] do I [bleep]ing do now! My life is [bleep]ing ruined! [bleep]! )
Why six months, of all times? Just curious. Also, you repeat "pop" it on him in the next line, that's no good.
Period at the end. I really liked this sentence. I've heard the "choking on my words" thing before, but I like the almost casual way it's said here. Like that other bit, I think it adds to the MC's character.
Okay, there's just one big thing that bothered me here. When does she actually pee on the stick? Here's what I read:
1. She sits on the toilet.
2. She takes the test out of the box.
3. She paces around the bathroom.
4. She finds out she's pregnant!
Never once in there does it say when she takes the test. Other than that, I really liked this. It had great emotion in it. And a cliffhanger! I get the feeling you won't write more because you said it's a quickwrite, but I'd love love love it if you did. I love the main character. Your choice, though.
Keep writing!
~Karma
Hey there, I'm here for a review!
Okay, so there you go! Just one issue I noticed was your dialogue punctuation. I'd explain the rules, but I think I'd be doing more harm than help, so check out this awesome link. I use it all the time.
I like how real your writing is; I just really get a sense of Sydney's feelings and her angst at this new development.
Please PM me if you have any questions!
Well, for such a short story, I think you managed to put a lot of emotion into it. It's something that I've never really seen before (a story about pregnancy), and that was awesome, too.
Nitpicks:
It looks like you simply forgot to finish the last sentence. It's as if it just fell off of the story.
Two things: One, the second "what" shouldn't be capitalized. Second, neither should "he."
Also, I think you should italicize your thoughts, instead of making them the same as the actual prose. That would be easier for the reader to decipher thought from action.
That's really it, though. Good job!
-Knightley