Published August 18, 2010
5
I wake up on Sunday morning to my mother gone, probably out work, or out with couple of friends. I shower quickly and go to the home gym, determined to make myself feel better by working out. My cell phone blares with Courtney’s ring tone, Katy Perry’s Teenage Dream. I hit the speaker button without stopping my smooth peadling.
“Hey!” Courtney says brightly. I smile and shake my head.
“Hey, I have major daddy drama. Do you wanna come over and work out with me?” I ask.
“Brilliant, Em.” Courtney says, “I was just gonna ask.” Courtney is famous for dropping by unannounced or inviting herself over.
“Great.” I say, “you’ll love this story”
“See you in ten.” Courtney says and I hit the off button. I jump off the elliptical and pull out the electrical scale from the bathroom. Then I run to the door as he doorbell sounds through the large empty house.
Courtney’s wearing her signature juicy velour tracksuit, her hair pulled into a ponytail.
“Can I weigh myself?” she asks, brushing past me and down the stairs. I follow and point her to the scale. She steps on and reads the number. She sighs and steps onto the treadmill.
“What did it say?” I ask as I start back up on the bike.
“Um, so you said you have ‘daddy drama’?” Courtney asks instead of answering me, “whats up with that?”
“Well, get this, you know my dad, the most honest man in the world,” I begin. I’m not sure I should tell Courtney. I’ll just leave out the whole proposal and baby thing.
“Yeah.” Courtney says. I look up and at Courtney.
“He has a mistress with a girl our age.” I say, “and she’s so perfectly rude.” Courtney’s jaw dropped.
“No.” she says, “there is no way.” I nod.
“I went to dinner with them last night. It was torture.” Courtney nods gently signaling the end of that conversation. This was always what our conversation is like. She never wants to know the details; she just absorbs the gossip.
“Guess what!” she says as she increases her running speed, “I just got this news this morning.”
“What?” I ask. Courtney’s smile is so wide. I know only one thing can make her this happy; some type of school social event.
“Prom. In seven weeks” Courtney said with a giggle, “it’s why I want to lose the weight. I have to perfect dress.” I raise my eyebrow
“That you don’t fit into?” I ask skeptically. Courtney sighs. I already know it looks perfect on her, but she likes to be the center of anything and everything, so I ask anyway.
“Oh, it looks fine.” Courtney said with her signature wicked grin, “I just want to look perfect."
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Hey KitxKat. I haven't read the rest of this, but I'll just comment on the writing in this section.
No way that was ten minutes.
First of all, since we can see that Courtney didn't answer Em, you don't need to say "instead of answering me". That's unnecessary telling. Instead, perhaps your could describe how Courtney evades the question, or what Em thinks of her ignoring her.
Also, she calls over Courtney to specifically "work out" her daddy drama...but suddenly she doesn't think she should tell her? Be consistent with your characters! Otherwise readers are confused as to why they change their minds.
So, Em found out recently that her "honest" father had a mistress and another daughter her age. WHOA. That's serious. That would rock any girl's world, make her furious, feeling dejected or unloved, confused, depressed-- a whole array of emotions. And supposedly Courtney is a good friend of Em's, right? A good enough friend that Em wants her to come over to her house to talk about it. But then, when Courtney gets there, they just mention it in passing.
Basically: "My dad's been lying to me all my life," says Emily.
"No way," says Courtney.
"Way," says Emily.
"Anyway, to more important stuff: Prom is in seven weeks!" says Courtney.
Do you see that this is kind of ridiculous? If Em cares enough to invite Courtney over to discuss her "daddy drama" (which is also a very casual and shallow way to pit this whole affair), she's going to want to at least tell her friend what's going on, how she feels, what she's going to do. From this, it seems like Em doesn't really care that her dad had a mistress and another kid. And Courtney doesn't really seem to care either. And how are your readers supposed to care if your characters don't even?
Anyway, proofread this first (you have some grammar errors and spelling mistakes)!
~Evi