12+ Language Violence

The assassin- Chapter 1

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Katerina Michkov was a lot of things; a thief, a wanted criminal, a murderer. She’d committed more than her share of killings over the years. But one thing the red haired girl could never be described as was stupid. It was the only reason she’d survived so long. Whilst she might not have had the best academic records in the short period of time she’d attended school, Katerina Michkov knew how the world really worked. And that made her smarter than most.

But as she lay atop the roof of the office buildings that winter evening watching the target through the scope of her rifle, she couldn’t help but curse her own stupidity. It had nothing to do with the job itself. In fact it was a relatively easy job. And it certainly had nothing to do with the target, a middle aged man with a receding hairline and more debts than any sane person could count. No. The problem was the setting. The country she was in, was one she’d tried her hardest to stay away from. But this job had been the first one in months, she’d had to take what she was given. She shook the dark thoughts from her mind as her target walked slowly towards the corner, completely unaware of her presence. Or his impending death.

She’d have a limited window of time to shoot. There would only be a few seconds once he turned the corner, when the sun that was slowly descending behind her would be at the right angle to block her from view. It wouldn’t be until later, when the police arrived that they’d discover where the shot had been taken from. And by that point she planned to be long gone. Her finger twitched over the trigger as he got closer. She was so busy concentrating on her target that she almost missed the sound of footsteps behind her. And by the time she noticed, her assailant had clicked the safety off his gun.

“I wouldn’t pull that trigger if I were you” The words were in Russian, the voice definitely male. And definitely young. But that was about all Katerina could determine from the few words he spoke other than the faint british accent in his voice that he tried so hard to hide.

Katerina gave an annoyed sigh as she watched her target turn the corner into the alleyway. As she watched her chance slip away. She sat back on her haunches, never turning to look at the boy that stood with a gun pointed at her. Without a word she flipped her case open beginning to disassemble her gun, listening intently to the boy. How he moved, how he breathed. She could tell he was anxious. Maybe about the possibility of having to shoot her. Or maybe it was from being around her in general.

“Hello! I have a gun pointed at you you know!” He snapped, obviously irritated that he didn’t have her full attention.

“I’m aware” She responded coolly, finishing up putting her gun away closing the case with a soft click. She rose calmly to her feet, finally turning to face the boy that had ruined her day “But if you were going to shoot me. You’d have done it before now.”

She studied him carefully, noting his tousled blonde hair and brown eyes hidden behind oversized glasses. His hands still clutched the gun, but he held it in the way of someone inexperienced. He held it too tight, with two hands. His finger shaking over the trigger. She almost smirked as she made her next move, swinging her gun case up and smacking him straight in the head. He went down like a light and Katerina was instantly on guard. Now she didn’t have a target, she could put all her concentration on this. On her getting out of here alive. Because no one would be stupid enough to send a geek onto a roof alone.

No sooner had that thought ran through her head than the body crashed into her from behind, she only just managed to stay on her feet as she threw her attacker to the ground below her. She didn’t take long enough to study the girl that hit the ground at her feet. Instead she broke into a run. She wasn’t stupid enough to think this was all she was facing.

She barely made it three feet before the next figure stepped out from behind the door that led to the stairs. She angled herself carefully round, keeping both awake figures in her sight. But she knew the real threat wasn’t the brunette that she’d thrown to the ground. No. The real threat was the black haired teen that had emerged from behind the door. He held himself in such a way that let her know he knew what he was doing. He knew the perfect way to kill her. Or the perfect way to incapacitate her.

He approached slowly, gesturing for the brunette to back off. It was the only time Katerina needed to grab the gun she kept hidden in her boot. She pointed the gun straight at the boy she’d determined could be nothing but exactly the same as she was. An assassin. The fact he managed to dive away from the bullet she fired was answer enough.

The bullet embedded itself in the concrete wall beside them and Katerina cursed. There would undoubtedly be a call to the police soon. So with the assassin down and the brunette keeping her distance. The red head ran full force off the edge of the roof.

She hit the roof of the neighbouring building with a thump, but she didn’t waste time checking behind her. She raced down the stairwell, slipping out into the door, only slowing her pace as she blended into the crowd, walking at a slightly hurried pace as if she was late for something rather than running from someone.

She turned left at the end of the street, glancing in a shop window to check for a tail. Finding none she let out the breath she hadn’t realised she was holding. She walked three more blocks before she hailed a cab. Slipping into the back seat she relayed the address to the cab driver and settled back, glancing out the back window in one last search.

It took twenty minutes for the cab to reach where she was staying, she knew he’d taken the long way. And a few extra turns than necessary just to raise the bill up. She climbed out the car after paying him, walking towards the building she was renting an apartment in for the month.

The street was abandoned as she walked down it, it was the reason she was so on edge when the door to her building opened and the black haired assassin emerged. He smirked at her as she stopped in her tracks. Her hand itching forward to the gun. Her concentration was on the boy and only the boy. He couldn’t have been much older than her, if he wasn’t the same age as she was.

“Who are you people” She snapped irritably, only causing the boy’s smirk to widen. And her anger to grow. It was that anger, the one that usually served to save her in fights. That made her such a weakness at that moment. It was why she didn’t notice the person that crept up behind her, linking his arms round hers, pulling hers behind her back and pinning them there. She struggled against him, but he was stronger than her, and her arms were pinned in such a way that every movement hurt. She let out a growl of annoyance before she brought her foot crashing down on his foot. The person behind her instantly let go with a howl of pain and she brought her elbow crashing back onto his ribs, only to run straight into the assassin’s hard chest.

He grabbed for her, but her momentary daze passed quickly and she ducked under his arms, slipping through his grasp. The only thing he managed to grab was her arm spinning her round. She used the momentum to send a kick in his direction, one he blocked with his remaining arm, sending his own punch in her direction. She side stepped it, ducking as he attempted another to throw her off guard. Before attempting one of her own at his stomach. He took the blow without flinching, returning one of his own to her shoulder just as quick. They fought for control, the moment it looked like one was about to win the other would pull a move that sent the control back into their favour. They were too evenly matched. The punch she managed to connect with his face was returned by a kick to her side. The jab at her stomach to wind her was returned with a sweep to knock him over. That was, until the kick she managed at his waist was returned by him slamming her into a wall.

The breath was instantly knocked out of her and she lashed out with her hands to push him back, but he grabbed them and with one fluid movement he pinned them above her head, keeping her firmly pinned down.

They were both breathing heavily. She could see the sweat on his forehead from their fight, and the forming of bruises from the same thing. She met his green eyes with a look of distaste and fury. But all he did was smirk down at her. That ‘I win’ smirk was already beginning to annoy her.

Another figure moved across to join them, he was slightly stout, but she could tell he was mostly muscle. He gripped her arm tightly and only then did the assassin step back, taking the gun from her boot with him. She glared at him as the stout boy pulled her towards a waiting car, he opened the door to reveal a boy that looked much like him before making sure she got in first. He climbed in after her, slamming the door shut leaving her sandwiched between the two, what she could only guess were brothers. Heading to god only knew where.

They drove for only half an hour. Which was enough time for her to get a handle on who was in the car, three in the front, the two beside her and three behind her. The assassin sat up front with the girl from earlier beside him and the geek she’d knocked out driving. The three behind her, she’d been unable to see.

The car finally pulled to a stop and they began to unload. The brothers were last, probably to make sure the most amount of people were outside in case she made a run for it. But finally the one on her left got out, turning round to block her view of wherever they were. The boy behind her gave her a sharp jab in the shoulder and she glared at him as she slid across the seats, jumping out of the car and landing neatly on the pavement. The boy grabbed her arm, finally stepping out of the way as the other brother climbed out and began to walk towards their destination.

It was only when she got a proper look at the building that she stopped short.

“Oh hell no” She growled giving a yank of her arm, pulling herself out of the right man’s grasp, before throwing her weight into the left. He stumbled and she stepped back. Straight into a waiting figure who gripped her arm tightly.

“You’re not getting away that easily” The assassin snapped, the first time he’d spoken since they’d met.

“I am not going in there” She spat trying to wrench her arm out of his grip

“Unfortunately for you sweetheart. You are” He growled at her, pulling her along beside them as they entered the old red brick house that sat on the corner of the street.

They filed in two by two, most of them walking in front of her as they entered the house. Walking along a narrow baby blue carpeted hallway. She found herself glaring at the pictures that littered the walls. Noting the few replacement ones from the different sizes. They passed three doors before they entered the fourth on the right, opening up into a sitting room.

The assassin roughly pushed her down into an arm chair before moving to sit in another beside the fireplace. The rest filtered in, taking seats where they could find them. She was slightly pleased when she noticed they sat as far from her as possible. She looked round the room, taking in every detail from the deep brown wallpaper to the maroon carpets. From the fireplace on the opposite side of the room to her to the single window in the room, covered by drawn red curtains. From the bookcase that took up most of the available space and the pictures littered around the room. To the 8 figures that sat in the armchairs each staring at her in a different way.

“I guess we should just start then” The brunette from the roof stated, drawing Katerina’s attention to her. She studied her carefully. Noting her high cheekbones, her brown eyes and her brown hair. At the perfectly symmetrical shape of her face. At her beauty in general. And she couldn’t help the slight feeling of jealousy that bubbled up. “I’m Grace. I’m a thief. The guy you knocked out was Miles Nice job by the way”

“I know who you are Grace” She snapped irritably glancing towards the boy she’d knocked out on the roof. Quickly dismissing him as not being a threat.

“Okay” Grace dragged the words on before continuing “Mile’s is our hacker. The other girl is Fern, she’s our pavement artist. Name a situation, she can blend into it”

She waved towards the blonde haired girl in the room, a rather ordinary looking girl. Nothing about her stood out yet she still managed to look beautiful.

“Then you have Lucas our resident mechanic” She nodded towards the slightly bulky blonde haired guy that appeared to be about 18. The same age as Grace appeared to be. The smile she gave him confirmed Katerina’s suspicions there was more to them than meets the eye “Then you have the Billing twins, Dylan and Andrew they’re more muscle for hire” She gestured to the stout brothers that had sat beside her the entire trip.

“We are not!” The slightly taller one snapped, his blue eyes wide with indignation

“And Mr Broody in the corner is Carter. He’s an assassin like you” Grace finished, as if the fact they shared a job would somehow make them instantly trust each other. In fact the only thing it served to do was distrust him more.

“Katerina is a little bit more difficult to label than that” The deep voice said from the doorway behind her, the slight hint of a Russian accent slipping into his voice. “The best possible way to put it is she’s a jack of all trade’s”

“Hello Katerina” He said quietly and it was only then that the red head turned round, her grey eyes dark as she spoke.

“Hello uncle Charlie” 

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
RoseTulipLily
Review

"Katerina Michkov was a lot of things; a thief, a wanted criminal, and a murderer. She’d committed more than her share of killings over the years. But one thing the redhead could never be described as was stupid. It was the only reason she’d survived so long. Whilst she might not have had the best academic records in the short period of time during which she’d attended school, Katerina Michkov knew how the world really worked. And that made her smarter than most." These minor changes might have, in my opinion, made the opening paragraph a bit more smoother. Other than those minor things, I felt it was a decent start to this story.

'“I wouldn’t pull that trigger if I were you” The words were in Russian, the voice definitely male.' Add a period before the second quotation marks.

I also notice you don't put commas and periods where they are necessary in other places. For example, it should be "Hello, Katerina," he said quietly.

And the same applies for what should be "Hello, Uncle Charlie." Also applies for "He's an assassin like you," Grace finished.

Then there's the period problem. Just to name a few, there should be a period after the word 'mechanic' in “Then you have Lucas our resident mechanic” She nodded towards...

'“I know who you are Grace!” She snapped irritably glancing towards the boy she’d knocked out on the roof, and quickly dismissing him as not being a threat.' Would be a more appropriate way to say this.

I could go on all day about the errors regarding dialogue punctuation, but this can all be easily fixed by a quick google search on the topic.

User avatar
zaminami
Review

Howdy!

This is a really good story. There are a few spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors ("Hello uncle Charlie" should be "Hello, Uncle Charlie.", as an example), but otherwise this is really good!

Here comes the constructive criticism:

I was a bit confused about WHEN this happened. I originally thought that it was more colonial, kind of victorian England but when I saw "car" I got really confused. Maybe make it more specific in the time-- and place, for that matter. I was confused about the place as well. Is it a small city or a big city? We need details!

Katerina should have a flaw. All I see are strengths. I understand you want her to be perfect (I'm guilty of this too), but all amazing characters have at least one flaw.

Also, Katerina should have a nickname, maybe? Like Kate, or Tina. Katerina is a difficult name to spell and people will remember her easier if her name is shorter.

Can you describe Katerina a bit more? I'm a little confused about what she looks like. The first paragraph should have a little bit more of a description. She also seems a little like the typical heroine. You should make her a bit more unique. Most heroines I've read in action/fantasy books have long, red hair or brown hair, grey eyes, is fit, is sarcastic and funny, and is very tough. This story might be a bit better if you made her less stereotypical.

Hope this helped!--

Kara

User avatar
regismare
Review

Hello Kittycat583. regismare here to review this first chapter!

I really love Katerina. She's so calm and collected, and a little snappy and sassy, too. I love how she interacts with the other assassins and how she considers herself to be almost superior to them in her abilities. I also love how instead of having her be perfect and all-powerful, she's taken down and caught just like any other human. I feel like that makes her so much more relatable and likeable.

More description on the location would be really good. First chapters should ideally give a rich image of where the story is set, but this just doesn't. It's hard to imagine where the characters are even what country and what time they're in. At first, because she's on a rooftop with a gun, I presumed she was somewhere less technologically advanced, maybe a mish-mash of actual times to make some kind of 1900s European city, because I don't know how easy she'd find it on a roof with all of the CCTV of modern cities. Then a cab was called, and I got a little bit more confused. So now I'm guessing it's modern time, and they somehow avoid the CCTV? More description and context would be good.

You touch briefly on Katerina's past, by implying that she'd had jobs much tougher than this one, but you leave it there. It's good not to info-dump the characters' backstories, which you don't do so well done, but it's also good to get to know them and what they do outside of the story. It helps to make them seem a lot more realistic and believable - so if you come back and edit this, or if you - hopefully - continue this, then consider sprinkling more of their backstories, hobbies, and interests in without it sounding like an info-dump. This would also bring more context to your setting, so it'd improve your work all-around.

I see that several of your characters are possibly assassins with Russian accents. This is a really commonly-used trope and borders on cliché. It's fine to use, especially if you plan to write it with a unique twist and voice, but it's used so much that it just feels like another stereotype to laden your characters with, and another cool quirk to make them different, rather than a reminder of their pasts or something with genuine planning behind it - I don't meant to say that that's what you've done here, but that's how it's usually done so be careful how you carry on with this.

Now, for the nitpicks:

a thief, a wanted criminal, a murderer.

This list sounds incomplete somehow. I'd recommend adding an and or otherwise connecting word between a wanted criminal and [/i]a murderer[/i] - or, if you want to keep the asyndeton-type list, then add on more qualities for the list. With a group of three, readers generally expect there to be an oxford comma and an and.

It had nothing to do with the job itself. In fact it was a relatively easy job.

You need a comma after the in fact. Also, these two sentences could easily be connected, either with a word or with punctuation like a semicolon or a comma or a hyphen. I feel like that would help it flow better, and for it to seem more like an afterthought on Katerina's part.

The country she was in, was one she’d tried her hardest to stay away from

There doesn't need to be a comma here. It can just be a simple sentence. Maybe writing the one instead of just was one to emphasise how much she wants to stay away from? But if there are lots of countries she tries to avoid, that might be a little redundant.

“I wouldn’t pull that trigger if I were you”

You need some kind of punctuation at the end of dialogue. A full stop would work best here.

The words were in Russian, the voice definitely male.

I really like this bit. Just wanted to say that.

And definitely young.

It'd be better not to start sentences with and or but, which you do a lot here. If you want the words to be unchanged, then try using commas or connecting words to keep it more or less to the same meaning.

“Hello! I have a gun pointed at you you know!”

Hello could be in italics to emphasise it. There should also be a comma between you and you.

“But if you were going to shoot me. You’d have done it before now.”

The full stop doesn't need to be there - in fact, it shouldn't be there.

It was the only time Katerina needed to grab the gun she kept hidden in her boot.

How could she do that so quickly? Are her boots lace-up? How does a gun fit into a boot? It'd be better to elaborate on this because it threw me quite a bit when I was reading. I'm sure it could be believable if you add a bit more detail and maybe tweak the technicalities of it a little.

she let out the breath she hadn’t realised she was holding

Kind of cliché. I'm sure you can come up with a better, more powerful way to portray this!

The breath was instantly knocked out of her

Describe the affect on her more.

It was only when she got a proper look at the building that she stopped short.

I know you're probably trying to go for a sense of mystery or the unknown, but it would be better to describe the building without giving us information about it, or at least to tell us about the emotional effect it has on Katerina.

“I’m Grace. I’m a thief. The guy you knocked out was Miles Nice job by the way”

It struck me as a rather quick introduction, and perhaps on the unbelievable side of things. A full stop would also be good between Miles and Nice.

about 18

Numbers are generally written in their word form, so eighteen.

trade’s

Trades.

He said quietly and it was only then that the red head turned round, her grey eyes dark as she spoke.

Something within me doubts her eyes actually darkened. I get that you're trying to be poetic in your descriptions, but there are better ways to show her emotions and build up tension.

There are some really great aspects to this, and it sets up the conflict really nicely. It's nice and ambiguous, too - it's great not being able to guess where it's going. There are quite a few possibilities for you to take the plot, which I can't wait for. I hope my review was helpful in some way, and good luck with further writing : )

-regismare



You must believe in free will; there is no choice.
— Isaac Bashevis Singer