Published December 11, 2007
"Seedpaw! Seedpaw! Wake up!" I heard my friend Redpaw yowl as he prodded me in the side.
"Seedpaw! Come on! You are on hunting patrol with me, Reedpelt, and Rootclaw!" He announced proudly still prodding me sharply in the side. He nudged his nose under my chest and tried to lift me up off the ground.
"Come on!" He hissed angrily.
After a while he finally lifted me off the ground and began carrying me out of the apprentices' den.
"Sheesh. What took you so long?" I heard Reedpelt meow.
"This fleabag wouldn't get up." Redpaw explained as he pointed at me with his tail.
"I told you before not to call me that! You are the one with fleas!" I hissed as I opened my tired eyes.
"Idiot!" Redpaw growled. He threw me off his back into the snow and started to walk off. I staggered to my feet and grabbed his tail.
"If you want to fight then bring it!" I growled through my teeth. Redpaw whipped around and bit my ear. I cried out in pain but attacked him again. I swapped my paws out ferociously getting only fur each time.
After what felt like hours of fighting Redpaw lunged at me and pinned me to the ground.
"STOP!" I heard a voice meow loudly. We both turned around and saw our leader. Bramblestar.
"What is the meaning of this?!" He demanded.
"We were just having a morning spar. To uh...wake us both up." Redpaw lied.
"Oh, so you two needed some waking up huh?" Bramblestar snickered. We both nodded.
"Well you should have told me that. I could of giving you two a job. Just look how much blood you two have spilt." He said. Redpaw and I looked around wearily at the blood. Suddenly the ground felt as though it was spinning.
"Oh no! She's lost to much blood!" I heard our medicine cat, Snowstorm yowl. The ground started spinning faster and faster ad the felt the ground get closer and closer as I fell. I heard startled mews of the cats around me fading.
''Seedpaw? Seedpaw?'' I heard an unknown voice meow. I opened my eyes and sat up.
"Who are you??" I asked astonished as I stared at a beautiful fiery-pelted cat.
"I am your grand-father. I am Firestar."
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139,516 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
This was an entertaining story. I liked the chaotic energy between Seedpaw and Redpaw - they really do not need a reason to start fighting and they kind of represent the familiar relationship with a brother and sister (of course, in a case, where one does not end up seriously maiming the other). I liked the story; it felt like just an excerpt though, so I am hoping that there is more to this. Otherwise, it just feels a little incomplete.
Other than that, there are certain issues with this story as well, the main one being the pacing. Everything happens too fast. I understand that they are not exactly human beings, but when you have personified them, you must establish their thoughts and emotions as well. There is hardly any space for that with the pace you have built for the story. They seemed like hormonal teenager at times, starting fights without any reason and then acting all surprised when they escalate beyond control. You need to slow down and allow us to actually experience the story instead of just making us run in order to catch up with the fast pace.
Also, the story is really dialogue heavy. Usually, there's no problem with that. But you really need to put focus on the narration as well. You can include descriptions, expand on the character's thoughts and explore their feelings so that the readers can connect with them as well. Mostly, you just need to add more content so that it slows down the pace as well.
There is no reason to end your dialogue with periods, end them with commas instead. You have done the same throughout the story for some reason, so I am going to show you what it's supposed to look like : '"This fleabag wouldn't get up," Redpaw explained as he pointed at me with his tail.'
Comma, not period. The name of their leader do not make much sense as a sentence on its own.
Also, there is a very apparent lack of punctuation in the story. You need to take a look at it again and insert commas where required and switch them with periods where the sentence so requires.
That's it!
Keep writing and have a great day!
Quite a bit of action. But it all happens so suddenly, you described a 'long' fight in 3 lines. Describe the fight a bit more. Maybe;
I whipped my paws out feriously, barely hitting him(Her? Whatever, it will be a HE cat.). He almost instantly jumped toward me, tackling me to the ground. Suddenly there was a pain in my side, he bit hard as his teeth scratched my ribs. I rolled to throw him off of me and pounced, slashing him on his back as I flew over...
Or something along those lines ^_^;.
Good layout, nice idea, I always liked these kinds of stories.
Also, please say what you've changed. I read the story and reviewed. Then I read the other reviews, only to see that nothing they pointed out is in the story.
that chapter was interesting.
what show is this form?
otherwise you did well.
space
Interesting. I agree with some others, about how everything happens so fast. [quote]I swapped my paws out ferociously getting only fur each time.
Instead of swapped, you might want to use a different word, such as swipped or lashed. Also, you should add a comma after ferociosly. Other than that, it's pretty good. I hope you will write more.
-ClimberSquirrel
Ello again Kitty!
First of all take the bold off. It's very distracting and it hurts my eyes. It is extremely short for the first chapter and their is way to much conversation going on. It does go a little to fast for my liking how one minute they were in the den then the next your main character was passed out, talking with Firestar.
I think you mean, The ground started spinning faster and faster as the ground got closer when I began to fall, other than that I like it...so...yah!
~Lulu
Hey, Kitty.
Wow, a Warriors fic. I haven't read one of these in a while...and I think there's a reason why. Personally, I think Erin Hunter ruined what she had going for her with the new series. She's dry. She's out of ideas. Every single book in the New Prophecy series has the same plot--forbidden love, tyranny among the Clans, and the predictable battles with ShadowClan.
I'm sorry to say that this shows up in your writing. There is nothing original here. Not only that, but it moves too fast. And what's with the blood? It almost seemed like a comedy, the way there was suddenly blood all over.
Another thing: you're supposed to start a new paragraph whenever someone else starts talking. It makes it a lot easier to follow.
Also, most of your characters have names that start with R. Don't do that. I'll never keep them straight that way.
Why is the medicine cat named SnowPAW? Wouldn't he/she be a medicine cat apprentice? If so, you should probably say that.
Best of luck with this story. I love Warriors (or at least I used to) and I'm looking forward to where you're taking this.
Hi Kitty! One of my problems with this piece is that you can't tell who says what in a few spots. The funny thing is, today I just finished reading: Warriors: Into The Wild.
I am not sure about this, either it is not spelled correctly, or it is not a word.Besides that one mistake, it looks pretty good! Are you writing another piece to this? (It looks interesting)
Firearris