Published January 6, 2011
Not sure if I like this. I want to add to it, but I also think that more will ruin it... Help?
I walk along an empty street,
shadows pass me by.
Their souls my worries, fears and doubts,
images brought to life.
They taunt me, tease me, swat at my head.
They swirl together,
consume my mind, till I’m stumbling in circles.
Someone, rescue me from myself.
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139,003 Literary Works • 672,396 Reviews
I absolutely loved this! You really don't need to change it, it's awesome the way it is! One minor thing though, like kafkaescense said, the line, "shadows pass me by", does sound a little out of rhythm and flow with the rest of it, because it sounds so ordinary. you could try "Shadows pass through me" or something along those lines, just spice that line up! Other than that, very well done! Keep writing!
ur poem was good so dnt stop writing them. will u take a look at my poem? its under narrative poetry and the name is nothing friendly, nothing pleasant. keep writing!!
I like it. It's short, straight to the point, and it might be my imagination, but I see all the images you create in my mind. It's not too dark, and is a beautiful portrayal of a state of mind of someone who's lost in themselves. I love it. And I do think that this doesn't need to be longer than it is already, although if you feel like you can expand on it, do, maybe the expansion should be on what the shadows are, maybe their haunting presence is of memories...?
Anyways, love it:)
Very nice poem and I think you should do what you think is right. If you think it should be longer then make it longer. If you think it should stay the same keep it the same. Just do what you like and just post it.
Great poem!It's very well written with good emotion.
Where'd you get the inspiration from?
You don't need to add anymore it's perfect the way it is
Keep writing,
Alzora
I walk along an empty street
Shadows pass me by
Their souls my worries, fears and doubts
Images brought to life I love this stanza. The words themselves sound very beautiful, and it flows very nicely.
They taunt me, tease me, swat at my head I find the 'swat at my head' part a bit awkward. Could you find something else to say?
They swirl together
Consume my mind, till I’m stumbling in circles
Someone, rescue me from myself Ooh. Very deep and dark. I like it
Notes:
I love the general idea of this and the dark tone. Very cool. For the most part, everything sounded very beautiful and smooth. It was really, really, really, good. I don't think it needs to be longer. Good things come in small packages
In the second stanza I got the feeling that sometimes you wanted to say something, but you couldn't find the right words. I think you should take a bit more time when writing to make sure everything flows right.
Sparkles,
Sierra
This a very nice, if short, poem. You set the tone, carry through, and finish with a grand final line:
Love it. The only line that sounds a tad odd is "Shadows pass me by." Perhaps you could say this in a deeper way?
All in all, you did such a great job on the poem, I wish it could go on longer.
I love this! You can add to it or you can leave it like this because it holds a striking image with it's two vivid stanzas. This piece paints a picture that I've sometimes lived and your words bring it to life. Great work!