Black birds busy about their play
They swarm, night and day
Hovering high above the dirt
Acting upon each sudden spurt
White bird alone on a wire
Hidden is a heart of fire
Withhold what it cannot say
Patient in a sky of gray
Black birds busy about their play
Soon ready for sleep to come their way
Where hovered once above the plain
Now tired from their fill of grain
White bird alone on a wire
Ready and willing to expire
Red bird lonely in the air
Just about to lose all care
Red sees white
And white sees red
Both see stars within their head
Where fear had lay
Lay he no more
For fire burst forth
From the open door
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I think that was good.It had that flow and the ending was nice.
But the observations in the poem were pretty hapazard,and also the rhymining was way better and at the end it got a bit messed up......
In all it was a nice go!!
Keep writing and posting!!
This seemed to be, in most parts, a collection of random observations juxtaposed against one another--S2 in particular is an example of this. Also, I'm confused as to why, after four four-line stanzas, you would restructure the last, especially when it can easily be switched to fill that structure?
You have:
You could have:
Or even switch it around to:
,
...which changes your rhyme scheme a bit, but is much more acceptable than a random, haphazardly put together seven-line heptastich.
I like this poem though your rhythm jumped around a lot and it could have had more description. The ending is very nice though and generally it's well written.
Do you spell grey with an a in America? I guess you do because the spell checker is saying mine's wrong. Okay, forget I even mentioned that...