Published November 22, 2007
He likes when she is flushed from the shower
her vermilion veins vermicular
peel her proud pallor particular
her wet hair knotted whiskery eels, and her sour
peppered white-sauce musk
her voice's pre-caffeinated husk.
The dawn upon her steaming flesh is like lobster
and the deliciousness of suffering obscene,
and she is clawed and cruelly conquered at wealth's whim
as lobsters are so readily. Those to glut their gut
upon her find her screaming seasoning sweetly satisfying.
How noble, and how lovely-tragic she, effaced by greasy gluttony.
He will call her Lobster with inflection of affection.
She will leave him for a lawyer.
Phraseology of lovemaking is limited,
and leaves little leeway for lobsters.
***********************
It's odd, and very messy, I know. But I'm just purging cause I can write nothing remotely readable these days. Or any days. Anyway, feel free to point and mock and laugh,
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140,868 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
I disagree highly with the person who said that the last two lines were a letdown, those were the lines that summed up the poem and gave me a laugh. Very visual, but a little linguistically advanced for most of the readers on this site. Some of the rhyming schem was stretched a little taught with the "sour" line, but you made it work. Overall a good poem.
I agree wuth penguin. This was very good, but it just didn't flow well enoguh for me:
'He likes when she is flushed from the shower'
I jsut didn't undersatnd it. Try not to get rid of 'a's and 'the's. It annoys me I guess.
I liked the poem, I jsut think you have done better, and it didn't seem to flow.
The lines wre also very long and the imgery wasn't very effective. Still, good poem!
Keep Writing!
~D'Aedomir~
Hrm. I like this, although not so much as some of your other work. I enjoy the humour in it, and the solid description. But I think there was too much in parts.
The second stanza is thick with words, and while they all work well I think you might be able to edit it slightly to condense it a little. It pains me to say that, haha, because I do like it but I think it would help.
It's slightly abstract, in a linear way - if that makes sense - I think the confusion people feel stems from the abstract, the idea that an entire poem can be about this one being, who is a lobster - and that's it. It doesn't seem to go anywhere in particular. Although it is enjoyable, and I think I can find some various meanings and whatnot - who cannot when pressed? ^^
So! I think maybe condensing the line length in the second stanza may aid you here. All in all, I do like it. ^^
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
i would feel a bit uppity trying to critique something far better than i could ever do. It's a bit vain.
./
I'm not laughing Kit! I liked it quite a bit.
But since nobody here seems interesting in giving this the review it deserves, I felt I'd have to try.
Make no mistake about it, this is an incredibly wordy poem. I find it extraordinary that this works so well, the majority of it flows beautifully, and the alliteration/description/ending, were all very well concieved...
+ It does bog down, however, in the second stanza. I'd signal out the third, fourth, fifth, (and also the second to some extent) lines as the main culprits. This was the only part of the poem that didn't make so much sense to me. You need to sharpen your focus, so that it only takes one read through.
I'd fix: "screaming seasoning" "suffering obscene" especially.
... It is interesting how you stopped rhyming as well, That is usually a bad sign, but again, you made it work. The idea behind this was very curious, and by all means I might have expected this poem to fail, but you really did an admireable job with it.
PS: IF you don't get the poem, reread it until you do. Then perhaps in your critique you can tell the poet what he/she did wrong. I realize I shouldn't be commenting on other people's ciritques, but come on folkes, surely it won't kill you to give some quality feedback...
what's not to get?
the alliteration makes me shiver, its something new
and beyond most of the crap posted on here.
oh well i guess some people just dont get it.
x/.
Its confusing. I personally don't get it all. So in that matter I don't like it.
Sorry
I like the techniques in it; the alliteration, and maybe even the rhyming (which normally, I absolutely detest), but I don't know if the subject really goes anywhere? She's like a lobster, yes, but it didn't seem like there was much past that about how that would be significant (save the last few lines)
I liked these lines for their "inflection of affection" and ~humour about her leaving him, but the last two lines were technically speaking a bit of a let down; the rhythm seemed a bit odd in comparison to everything else, and just not as... dramatic.
It reminded me a bit of slam poetry (if I have the definition of slam poetry correct, that is) ^_^
Well, I'm not a fan of riming poetry, but this is fine. What exactly is this about? I don't understand.
astounding. obviously far more talented than i dare say most of the other talents on display here.
I'm sorry im not up for a critique at the moment as it would mostly be senseless drivel.
So on that note, well done.
I'm sure I will get around to reading more of your work in the futue.
tim x/.