Tick, Tock, Ring
The bell has rung
My head is hung
It's time to go
Will she be there?
Will she not?
I will never know
I sit away
From the crowd, so loud
Yet, I don't make a sound.
I sit by the curve side,
And watch my worlds collide.
Can I not trust a soul?
She's never there
Does she care?
I will never know.
The cars rush by
The other children fly
To each open car door.
Where is she? oh where?
Am I all alone?
All the children have flown.
Oh mother dear!
Oh help me,dear!
I am all alone!
The clock strikes three
Time to flee!
It's always time to go.
She's not there.
She doesn't care.
So, now I know
I lift my head,
And begin to dred
The longest, yes longest
Journey to home.
Tick, Tock, Ring.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
To clarify the "open car door" part
Open is describing door.
They are running to the car doors which are open... sorry, I don't know how else to put it. Thank you though.
Thanks guys.
Perhaps you meant to say "To open each car door"?
And it should be "dread", not "dred". Probably just a typo, but I thought you should know.
Also, punctuation is important, and although a poem without any or with improper punctuation can still be good, it does make a difference and you're encouraged to keep it up to snuff. There are a bunch of errors, and a couple of things which I would change just for aesthetic reasons.
That aside, this was pretty good. If I wanted to be nitpicky, I would criticize your inconsistent rhyming, but I won't. Generally I try to keep it consistent unless I'm deviating from the scheme for a reason (as I did in Listen to the Pacific). It was easy to get a feel for the character and sympathize with what she(?) was feeling.
I really like it!
One critique for you:
Maybe say "To each open their car door."? "Open car door" sort of made me pause for a moment because of the bad grammar xD;
Other than that, amazing! At first I was a bit "What's going on" which I'm pretty sure you wanted to happen- and then I figured it out by the end and I definitely felt sorry for the narrator; which is also what you wanted, yes? =3
Keep writing~!
<3 Doc
I like it.
Good Job!