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An uncertain feeling

by KirbyDiamond


Sometimes I feel like I am floating with my feet touching the ground.

It's like waiting for something you never ordered.

Like trying to remember a thought you never had. 

I am longing. Longing so desperately for something I can't define.

Something I will never reach and then I go through oppurtunities in my head.

Like if  I want to watch a movie or read a certain book or just to back track in my fantasy world.

And then I realize I want to be inspired. I want to be kissed by a muse.

And that works through movies and through books because they touch me. They make me think.

They can bash my mind. But I am getting so exhausted by that. 

I long for conversation, for someone to inspire me. 

Someone to mess up my view on the world.

Someone to touch me and rattle me.

And I just can't find that someone.


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233 Reviews


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Sun Aug 24, 2014 7:28 pm
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Cithara wrote a review...



Hey there! Writer for a review :D Welcome to YWS and I hope you enjoy it here.

So this poem was a little confusing. I mean, it had a lot of great ideas in it, but they weren’t linked to one another in a way I could understand why you mentioned each line.
For example

Sometimes I feel like I am floating with my feet touching the ground.
It's like waiting for your order but nothing will come.

Like, what does that mean? Floating but your feet touch the ground? How is that possible? And your order never coming? How does that relate to the first line? Those are questions that sparked me as I first read the poem. Not saying the first line should be taken out, but the relations between the two are not distinct at all. Well, to me anyway. Work on making clearer connections with each line you write, since it’s obvious you are trying to compare them. (correct me if I’m wrong)

I am longing. Longing so desperate for something I can't define.


Hmm, there’s quite a bit that could be fixed here. First off, the period in the line just ruins the feeling. “I am longing” gives me the idea you want something, and there is true passion for that something in this line, no lie. But then this period comes and ends it abruptly. And then I’m like “whatttt?” A comma is much needed to replace the period. And the “Longing so desperate for something” part seems a little mashed together. Is the longing desperate or are you desperately longing? Confusing question, yes, but either you’re describing the “longing” or describing how you long. Just make sure to clarify that if you rewrite this. And the “define” part feels awkward to me. It’s just, the rest of your word choice doesn’t mirror this word…pinpoint works good here, or “I don’t know” even works. It’s up to you, however, because this is your work.
Something I will never reach and then I go through oppurtunities in my head.

More things here (sorry if my line going by line critique is harsh/annoying. Just know I’m trying to help and I see a lot of potential here :D) Okay, first off you spelled “opportunities” wrong. And this “something”…it’s the thing you cannot define, right? In that case, I would ditch the period of the “something I can’t define” line and use a comma instead, since the same thought is continuing in a second line. You follow what I’m saying? The period ends a thought, which is why it doesn’t work here. In fact, I recommend taking out all end punctuation until the very end to produce a full stop. So with all the commas or with no punctuation at all, the passion matches the flow, which makes me feel even more when reading this poem.
Like if I want to watch a movie or read a certain book or just to back track in my fantasy world.
And then I realize I want to be inspired. I want to be kissed by a muse.

There’s just something about these lines that feel so important here, but I don’t think you (a. built them up correctly or b.)delivered them correctly.
I mean, why do you start the first line with “like?” Is that supposed to give some voice to the speaker? Because it doesn’t match the rest of the poem to be honest. I don’t think it belongs here. I definitely would like that line clarified, if you mind :), because it doesn’t make much sense to me. What’s the difference between the first line and the second? How do they relate to one another?
And that works through movies and through books because they touch me. They make me think.
They can bash my mind. But I am getting so exhausted by that.

So being inspired works through movies and book. I’m right, right? I mean, I don’t want to misinterpret this poem XD Hmm, not sure the word “bash” is appropriate here. Why not show us what that means rather than tell us why or how these movies and books bash this speaker’s mind. It would give us more imagery and a better understanding, rather than labelling this happening as “bashing.”
I long for conversation, for someone to inspire me.

I’ve always believed that each and every word in a poem is of equal importance. No word should ever go wasted. Here, you’re repeating words you’ve already used! “long” and “inspire” have been mentioned before, and I think, in order to spice up your poem, you should use synonyms for these words. That way they hold the same meaning and your poem is rich in variety.
Someone to mess up my view on the world.
Someone to touch me and rattle me.
And I just can't find that someone.

So these last few lines felt like they were of a whole other idea. You first talk about a “something” and wanting to be inspired, but then you don’t want to be inspired by some things because it exhausts you, but then you want someone to inspire you. Like…what? >.< Your whole poem, should, I believe, build up to your ending lines and have some sort of connection. There might be on here, but it’s one I can’t detect. That doesn’t mean it goes undetected by everyone else, because we are all different in how we perceive things. And you certainly don’t have to listen to me and my ideas. But here I just didn’t understand anything >.<
Hmm, for the second line of this quote, I would lessen the word amount: Someone to touch and rattle me.
And I just can’t find that someone.

Well…why not? Elaborate. I wanna knowww!! But that’s still a good ending, if you had built it to up in a more structured fashion.

To be honest, this whole poem was a jumble of different ideas, which is, like, awesome…but, here’s the catch. There was no connection. Yes, I’ve said it already, but I feel the need to emphasize it. I mean, what does the first line have to do with the last line? Or the fourth line? Or any line? Just think about that when you go to rewrite. But I do know I must give each poem the credit of everything being written for a reason. So…did you mean for it to be like this? Or were you really aiming for everything to be the same idea, but you just didn’t connect it? Let me know. I hope my confusion doesn’t strike you as rude. I like the concept…I just don’t fully understand what your point/why you wrote each line the way you did. Great start overall! :D




KirbyDiamond says...


Sooo the floating thing.
Floating with my feet touching the ground.
The thing is, like your mind is in this weird state where nothing can really touch you, where no thoughts really stay. but at the same moment you are stuck in reality. it's like seeing all the ideas and reaching out to them without having the chance to really get them...
and then there is this thing that you missunderstood. if this was a poem i would have categorized it as one. it's not. it's not a poem at all. it was a flow of thoughts i wrote down. that's why some things just sound jumbled and weird. because it's like me telling the internet how i feel. and the change from something to someone was simply the realization in the thinking process. try to reread it and read it loud.
thank you for the review and for the critics.

PS: some things may sound terribly weird because english is not my first language



Thewriter13 says...


Totally understand! Thanks for the clarifications :)



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Sun Aug 24, 2014 2:39 pm
Laughmaster wrote a review...



Needs some improvement!

Hi there, Laughmaster here to review your poem.

Warning: This critique isn't exactly praiseworthy. Really sorry if it hurts you.

I don't want to be mean but the title gave me really high hopes. I thought this work would be worth reading. Sadly it didn't keep me hooked.

The real problem here is What's going on exactly?

The work has been classified as others. That's not a bad option but I fail to understand why it keeps resonating between prose and poetry.

It has a lyrical style but fails to engage readers.

Sometimes I feel like I am floating with my feet touching the ground.

It's like waiting for your order but nothing will come.


This was cliched! Seriously cliched. I feel like floating has been done too many times. Imageries and descriptions are good to open with but this doesn't work here.

Something I will never reach and then I go through oppurtunities in my head.

Like if I want to watch a movie or read a certain book or just to back track in my fantasy world.


The second sentence here really made me stop. It was really difficult for me to continue after that.

The flow was really choppy. You know I can go on showering false praises but this wouldn't help you, right? This needs lot of improvement and I sincerely hope you do that.

Laughmaster's rating: 5/10

Never ever stop writing! I'm sure you'll come up with a great work after this.




KirbyDiamond says...


i think what you might have missunderstood is that this is not a poem. it's not prosa or poetry.
i get that you didn't like it, because it's not supposed to be flowy and of course it needs improvement so i am actually really thankful (i really don't wanna sound bitchy :D)
it's just, as the folder says, i can't really change it. you know it's like a diary entry. i didn' t mean for it to be poetic , i just wanted to share the thought. and i think it's one of these things you either get caught up in or don't really like. both is okay, i don't take this personal :)
i will work on the flow though. you are right about that. and about the cliche, but i just thought it was so fitting there.
But i will work on it.
thank you very much for you review.



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Sat Aug 23, 2014 9:16 pm
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EuphoriaFalls wrote a review...



I really like the message you convey here. It's very relatable considering everyone on this site is a writer. As writers, I think we all desire a kind intellectual stimulation. Inspiration is what drives us. This gives the reader a good look into your thought process and reveals a lot about yourself.

"It's like waiting for your order but nothing will come"

Somehow this line seems like it doesn't fit. I feel that saying something like

'It's like waiting for something you never ordered'

would fit a lot better because it's similar to the line following it.

If grammar is not of your concern please disregard the following critiques.
The flow seems to be a bit off in a couple places but I'm not going to nitpick on those because I'm not sure if that is your own personal way of writing. There are a few run on sentences where commas would really help reduce the ambiguity a bit.

"Longing so desperate for something I can't define."

This sentence for example seemed awkward to me. If there was a comma after "longing" it would help, or if you replace "so desperate" with "desperately" it could sound better.

I feel like I know a lot about you from this short writing piece. It's very thought provoking and it makes me want what you want. Keep up the good work.




KirbyDiamond says...


This comment was actually really helpful. You are completely right about that sentence and I will work on my grammar c:
Thank you a lot



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5 Reviews


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Sat Aug 23, 2014 9:16 pm
EuphoriaFalls says...







One is not born, but rather becomes a woman.
— Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex