Prologue
Thomas
I stumbled against my own feet, but I kept running. They were here. I felt their presence. They were getting closer and closer. I was getting closer to my death.
I dipped through the colossal trees in the green forest, desperately trying to throw them off my track. I knew from the start I wasn’t going to be able to get away.
They say the Queen’s first son was the strongest out of the four. They say that he was a second Achilles, perhaps even more superior. He was completely invulnerable.
I heard the swooping of their wings beating against the air. I heard their shrill laughter. I was running out of time.
If I survived this, I was to tell my children and my children’s children this story. Never make a deal with the Demon Queen, for the Demon Queen’s spawns are more deadly than the Banshees themselves.
I remembered Adeline’s face; her beautiful face. She was the reason why I made the deal. I wanted her love. I wanted to make beautiful music for Adeline, but the Queen mistook me. The Queen thought I wanted to make music for her. So her son killed my Adeline right in front of my eyes, and that’s when I broke out into the run.
“Golden brown and silver eyes, we dance around your men...” My breath caught. That was the song the Queen’s little girls always sang when death was coming near. Their haunting voices swam around me. I ran faster.
“Who passes through the Queen’s door will never be seen again...” I stopped at the edge of a cliff. The wings; they were so loud. I fell to my knees, covering my ears. The girls kept singing as I shut my eyes.
“Golden brown and silver eyes, we dance around your men. Who passes through the Queen’s door will never be seen again.”
They sang it faster and faster as the pounding of the wings grew louder and louder.
“GoldenbrownandsilvereyeswedancearoundyourmenwhopassesthroughtheQueen’sdoorwillneverbeseenagain!”
And then suddenly, it all ended. Complete and utter silence.
I opened one of my eyes.
There was a dagger pointing directly to me.
“Don’t move.” He commanded. There he was, standing before me. Silver eyes and black hair. His pale face was straight. His brother hung around his neck in a loving way, as if he was proud of him. They were both identical; the only way to tell them apart was by the deadly colour of their irresisable eyes. I shifted my gaze from the hunter to his brother, his golden brown eyes shining with the hunger and wanting of blood. My blood.
I hung my head.
“Spare me,” I whispered. “I apologize for the confusion. Please, spare me.”
“Confusion, he says.” The boy with the golden eyes said. He laughed again, noxious and shrill. “Do it. I want to hear his screams. I want to taste the blood.” He seethed in his brother’s ear.
The wind blew softly, but cold. I shivered. I knew it was her. The Queen.
“Hold.” She said. Her curly red hair blew in the wind. I stared at her crimson coloured eyes.
“I want you to do something for me.” She said to the hunter.They all pay no attention to me. I planned my escape.
“We’re kind of in the middle of something.” The golden boy whined. I could try to crawl away...but that would draw their attention towards me...
“I need you to hunt a Nephilim for me after.”
“Why? Nephilim are no use to us.” The silver boy said flatly.
“I have my reasons why I make you do what I say. I want her dead before her birthday. Bring me her head when you’re done.”
She started to walk away.
“Lilith! Lilith! My Queen! Please! Please spare my life.” I begged her. She turned around and looked at me, weakening me with her lethal eyes of crimson. I couldn't hang on any longer.
She looked at her son.
“Kill him.” She said. The blade pierced my skin in a quick manner. I was met with the darkness that surrounded my vision.
Adeline, I hope you’re waiting for me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Ha, probably should have read the prologue before the first chapter, but I missed it somehow. But hey, I'm here now, right?
Same note here that I had with your first chapter about the paragraph spacing. Your paragraphs look pretty good, except they are all bunched together. Spreading them out would just make this so much easier on the eyes.
Having read the first chapter before the prologue, I don't really know if the prologue is all that necessary. Are we going to see this character Thomas again? If not, I don't really think you need this. Sure, it sets up more immediately that this is a fantasy story with supernatural elements and perhaps makes you a bit more cautious of the twins later, but we were already getting hints in the first chapter alone. If this is some sort of back story, then why not have as a flashback later? And if it's not and it's just setting up that the twins are going to be hunting something down, then we really don't need it. We get already from the first chapter that Rose is being singled out by something (due to the feather) and figuring out just what it is that's after her and for what reason can be part of the discovery within the story.
Just my suggestions though. I did like this prologue as a piece of writing. It was quick, it had some nice imagery and some nice impact. I would have liked to have heard a bit more about what was leading up to the chase, the misunderstanding and the love between Thomas and Adeline. As is, it just sort of breezes by really quickly, as if it's trying to make a pull for our heartstrings but doesn't really stick around long enough to do so.
Please, do let me know when you update more chapters. You've got me intrigued and I want to know what happens next. And feel free to PM if you have any questions!
~GryphonFledgling
Wow, just wow. I must say, I NEED THOSE NEXT CHAPTERS! I haven't been this hooked by fiction since Chris d' Lacey's The Fire Within. Your story sounds a lot darker though, which is cool.
This was quite interesting. The Imagery was excellent and very appealing. A few pointers though, is that the transition to when he starts to talk about the queen's oldest son. It was a little rough going from talking about being scared then going on to how strong the son was. I would also suggest rereading for repeated phrases. Other than that, it was wonderful and I hope you can send the next chapters. I would love to read them
Thank you for your kind words! I'll send you chapters 1-5 once I read them over.
I was flipping through a lot of the novels when I saw this one and thought it sounds interesting. I was reading the prologue and thought wow. It's......dark and sounds like it'd be really cool. The way you made
repeat a few times added a sense of haste and hinted on the runner's fear(especially when you didn't include the spaces that one time). Of course this all my opinion.Think you can message me the other chapters?