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Young Writers Society



My Soul To Keep - Chapter 1

by Kirahh


The warm sunlight from my window touched my cheek, awakening my eyes. The first thing I saw was my ceiling, then my camera beside me on my nightstand, and then the time. I was running late.

My body shot out of the comfort of the bed as I hurried to get ready, doing three things at the same time. Even though everything of this morning was the same, something felt different. Unusual.

Maybe it’s because that my alarm clock didn’t wake me up. Maybe it’s because I didn’t leave my camera beside my bed last night.

Maybe it was the lonely black feather lying at the foot of my bed.

As I ran downstairs the bell rang, indicating that Rainey was ready to pick me up.

“Must you always keep that boy waiting?” My mother scolded me behind the stove. She always said that every morning. I kissed her cheek as she handed me a strawberry Poptart, which was usually my breakfast when I’m late.

I had strawberry Poptarts every day.

“Don’t forget your backpack, Rose.” My dad called in the living room. From the front door, I raced into the living room and picked it up.

“One day he’s going to get tired of waiting on you.” My mother continued. I rolled my eyes and said,

“Rainey has been my best friend since grade seven. It would be sad if he didn’t know me by now. I’ll never be early.”

“You have to be a good role model if you want sisters.” My dad commented.

“Which means you can’t be late.”

“Bye!” I called out and shut the door.

Right. The two little girls we were supposed to get today. They were just brought into the orphanage yesterday, the day we visited it. Once my mother laid eyes on the little girls she fell in love with them. For the whole day she begged my father to sign the papers.

Rainey didn’t wait for me to lock the door. As soon as I stepped out of the house he started walking down the steps of my fairly big Victorian home. I hastily tried to catch up with him without tripping.

“Do I need to buy you a new alarm or something?” He complained as he started the engine. I got in and strapped on the seatbelt, almost sinking in the seat. Damn this shortness.

“I’m so terribly sorry, Rainbow. But you’re the one that kept me up all night forcing me to listen to your ludicrous playing.”

“Call me by my full name one more time and that cello ain’t the only thing I’ll be playing. You sound too much like my mother.”

“You know I can get you sued for slander and the violation of my body.”

“They don’t have any proof whatsoever.”

“Yes they do. You’ll have your DNA all over my body.” Rainey frowned, turning into the school parking lot.

“Are we talking about murder or sex?”

We usually bickered about like this; it showed how good friends we were.

Rainey and I got out of his car and made our way into the prison with the rest of the flow. Rainey opened the door for me (like always) and I entered without thanking him (like always).

As we walked to our lockers, Rainey kept on going on about banning school on Mondays if he was president, but only part of my brain was listening. The other was trapped on the two boys that stood near my lockers.

Rainey stopped talking also, his eyes locked on them.

“They’re twins, right? Or am I high and seeing doubles?”

Indeed they were twins, but they were different from each other. From the way they wore their hair to the way they dressed.

One of them was a bit noticeable, working the whole boyish charm on every girl around him. His black hair was in a Jack Barakat type of style, and he had a shirt that said ‘Relax, I’m Hilarious’.

The other, however, was completely different. He seemed a bit darker, having more of a Kenneth Nixon hairstyle, except longer. The clothes he wore were different from his brothers entirely. He was aiming more for a skater/punk look, with black jeans, a tee shirt, and a black sweater. His black converse had indecipherable words all over them. All over his hands were words, too. In his back pocket I spotted a Sharpie.

They both had pale skin. Not the disgusting pale like Edward Cullen, but the type of pale you rarely see. Pale, but beautiful.

I bet they don’t sparkle in the sun.

“Earth to Rose. Can you read me? I think we’ve lost her.” Rainey called, already at his locker. The twins looked at me in confusion, Kenneth Nixon shooting me a dirty look. I quickly looked down and hurried to my locker, my cheeks red. How long have I been standing there staring at them? Did they probably think I was some kind of freak now?

As I took out my books, I heard the sound of high heels clacking on the floor. I didn’t even have to look up to see who it was.

“Well, look who it is,” Victoria said, she and her wannabes sneering at me. I didn’t glance at her.

“Good morning, Devil Incarnate. I see you and your spawns are having a grand time.” Rainey snorted back a laugh as I waited for their comeback. It was like this every morning. Back and forth, back and forth until Rainey had to break it up. Seeing that they’ve spotted the new students, they’re probably going to try to come back hard. Then they’ll walk away in failure.

“What are you wearing?” Victoria said. “It looks like something threw up and died all over you.” I impulsively looked down at my clothes. My leggings were ripped, the hem of my jeans skirt was coming off, and my Nirvana shirt was already fading. At least my Doc Martens were in shape.

“Says the one with foundation all over your face. I wouldn’t be surprised if I took one swipe with my finger and found a whole new person.” I retorted.

“Racoon eyes.”

“Whore.”

“Okay, I think that’s enough. We don’t want to see any clawing or hair pulling, now do we? Well, we do if you were in a pool of Jell-o.”

“Freak.” Victoria muttered to Rainey before flipping her fake blonde hair and stalked off, shaking her butt like as if she had one.

Victoria and I were friends. Well, until her father introduced her to her stepmother. Or as I liked to call her, step-hag. Step-hag transformed my once awesome friend into some Gucci wearing Barbie. I tried to change her back, but step-hag persuaded little naive Victoria’s mind until she went against me. She’s been on my case since.

I glanced back at the twins. Jack Barakat was already gone, but Kenneth Nixon stayed behind. He watched me attentively, and I watched him. He had intense silver eyes that bore into me, as if searching for who I really am. I felt exposed.

I looked away from him and walked with Rainey to class.

As much as I tried, I could never forget the feeling of his eyes on me.

After school I hovered outside with Rainey as he smoked. I had always found smoking repulsive, even as a kid.

My face twisted in disgust as some of it went up my nose. I coughed.

“How do you like that stuff?” I asked him. He shrugged.

“Peer pressure bites.”

“I think you should quit. I can help you, you know.” He glanced at me.

“Are you asking me to quit for you?”

“I guess.” He looked at the cigarette, the smoke coming out of his nose.

“I’ll think about it.” I looked away from Rainey, scanning the parking lot. People loitering, watching the football practice, Devil Incarnate and her spawns gathered around her pink Bug, watching the twins who were sitting against the road, whispering to each other.

My eyes rested on the twins. I have always wanted a twin. I loved the way they communicated with each other.

Rainey flicked the butt of his cigarette at me. I wiped the ash off my face.

“What was that for?”

“Stop staring at them. You look like someone who’s never seen twins before. Come on, I have to get you home before your dad rips my balls off.” Rainey walked away, leaving me to desperately catch up to him.

I got in the car with him and he immediately put the key in the ignition, rolled the windows down, blasted the music, and sped out of the driveway, like as if he was trying to get away from the twins. I stared at him as he drove, the way his lips formed a firm line, the hardness in his eyes, and the way he gripped the steering wheel. Did he know something I didn’t?

Rainey glanced at me.

“What?” He asked. I looked away from him quickly.

“Nothing.”

Rainey dropped me off at home a few minutes later. I asked him to come in and hang out but he refused, telling me he had ‘homework and stuff’. Rainey was a genius. He never had homework, but I let it go.

“Paul? Paul, don’t forget the presents. We can’t leave without the presents.” I heard my mom call out in the house. She was standing on the porch, all dressed up in make-up and her fancy clothes. I stared at her, and my eyes slid to my father who was struggling with two big bags filled with treats. He locked the door before meeting my eyes.

“Be a doll, Rose, and help me with these things. Your mother is working me like a mule.”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t get my dress ruined.” My mother straightened the summer dress for emphasis. I took a bag from my father and walked over to the car.

“Is something going on?” I asked them. My mother sat in the passenger seat.

“Get in the car, Rose. There’s no time for you to change.” I did as I was told, even though she didn’t answer my question.

“Where are we going?” I tried again.

“The orphanage called and said the girls are ready. We’re going to pick them up now.” I strapped on my seat belt, my stomach filled with butterflies.

For some reason, I was terrified.

The orphanage was a huge white building. My mother was the most enthusiastic out of us three. She kept on talking about how she missed the days when I was young as my father and I shrank back. The butterflies were toying with me so much I thought that I was actually going to vomit. I didn’t feel this way yesterday.

We went over to the waiting room. The lady at the desk offered us a seat with three more families. They all looked happy and anxious.

“Are the parents for Wynter and Hunter here?” The receptionist asked after thirty minutes of waiting. We all stood up impetuously as she guided two little girls into the room.

They were both the same height and had the same features, except one had emerald eyes while the other had mint. They both wore dresses, one dark blue and one hot pink.

I locked eyes with them. I stared at them, and they stared at me, a wide grin settling on their faces.

I didn’t know the trepidation I felt in my stomach. It mixed with the butterflies, hurting so much I had to hold onto my father for support. I was unsure why I was so terrified of the girls. Maybe it was that black feather hanging on a thin piece of thread on Hunter’s neck.

The exact same feather from my room.

Spoiler! :
My chapter one's suck. I get bored and angry so I start writing all sloppy :P

I've been rewriting this a lot lately, so I'm not sure if this version is going to be kept. Should I keep it?


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Points: 1040
Reviews: 17

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Tue May 03, 2011 11:37 pm



I thought this was a good beginning. Good work on getting detail in there! I like it. You have a few grammar problems and you use commas where they dont need to be at a few points throughout the story, but other than that your good. Keep it up.




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Points: 42011
Reviews: 922

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Tue May 03, 2011 9:20 pm
GryphonFledgling wrote a review...



Mmm, I like this. Between the attitude, the two sets of twins, the bickering... I like it. It has a nice punch to it. Color me intrigued.

One thing that would make this much easier to read, however, would be to go through and separate all the paragraphs with another space. As is, we're confronted with this huge solid wall of text and while it is clear where the breaks are supposed to be, they aren't there and instead the computer screen leaves the reader with bleeding eyeballs. And bleeding eyeballs are a no-no. It's a simple thing, but it'll improve your readership immensely.

One of them was a bit noticeable, working the whole boyish charm on every girl around him. His black hair was in a Jack Barakat type of style, and he had a shirt that said ‘Relax, I’m Hilarious’.

The other, however, was completely different. He seemed a bit darker, having more of a Kenneth Nixon hairstyle, except longer. The clothes he wore were different from his brothers entirely. He was aiming more for a skater/punk look, with black jeans, a tee shirt, and a black sweater. His black converse had indecipherable words all over them. All over his hands were words, too. In his back pocket I spotted a Sharpie.

These two paragraphs bothered me a bit, mainly because of the specific name-drops here. I have no idea who Kenneth Nixon or Jack Barakat are, so their names mean nothing to me in terms of figuring out their hairstyles. Instead, try describing the hairstyle itself. And perhaps come up with some other way to identify them before we know their names, instead of still using those references that some readers might not get?

We're also getting a bit of an info-dump here. I'm almost willing to forgive it here, seeing as how it's the first impression of the narrator of these characters so it might make sense that she's sizing up everything they are wearing, but be wary. There's quite a bit of description of what characters are wearing in here. It's helping to set up their particular styles, so I don't quite want to say ax it entirely, but be aware that it's a little talky and dumpy. Maybe tone it down a bit, spread it out a bit more?

They both had pale skin. Not the disgusting pale like Edward Cullen, but the type of pale you rarely see. Pale, but beautiful.
I bet they don’t sparkle in the sun.

Twilight-bashing is a bit old. I know that it's silly to have vampires sparkle and I enjoy the well-placed potshot as much as the next guy, but it's not going to cut it in a serious story. So I'd say cut the Twilight references. It just comes off as a bit immature writing-wise, even if it does sound like something this character would say.

Gucci wearing Barbie

Gucci-wearing (with that hyphen in there).

They were both the same height and had the same features, except one had emerald eyes while the other had mint.

What's the difference between emerald and mint? I know they're both green, but try elaborating a little more on the differences here, like the different shade or something. As is, it just sort of feels lacking.

I did like this. I am intrigued by the characters as set up. Rose is engaging, I'm curious as to what will happen next, you've got me hooked. I'd like to see how to reel us in now.

~GryphonFledgling





Ghosts, demons, and ghouls cannot scare the cat's underling.
— TheMulticoloredCyr