The men shout as the storm brews in
Some of their foots connect with my shin
I can’t understand why
I couldn’t move because of the song travelling through the sky
The rain poured in on my face
I stared at her revealing lace
She sang her own soliloquy
To her, I had so much to say
I dove in the water
Making last minute prayers to my Father
I heard the ship unite with a rock
My men’s screams were filled with shock.
I swam up to the beautiful lady with a harp
She smiled and touched me, her nails sharp.
Her white wings stretched up in the air, basking in glory
I was love struck; her eyes were sorry
“Do not leave me, my love,” I whispered as I floated on the sands of Byron.
She grants me with a kiss, my beautiful Siren.
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141,368 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
The men shout as the storm brews in
Some of their foots connect with my shin feet..
I can’t understand why
I couldn’t move because of the song travelling through the sky this line is too long
The rain poured in on my face
I stared at her revealing lace so.. why has the POV changed?
She sang her own soliloquy
To her, I had so much to say soliloquy doesn't rhyme with 'say'
I dove in the water
Making last minute prayers to my Father
I heard the ship unite with a rock rock is a motion, not a sound. I understand but it's a 'forced rhyme'
My men’s screams were filled with shock.
I swam up to the beautiful lady with a harp
She smiled and touched me, her nails sharp.
Her white wings stretched up in the air, basking in glory glory doesn't rhyme with sorry
I was love struck; her eyes were sorry nice line, very beautiful
“Do not leave me, my love,” I whispered as I floated on the sands of Byron. awkward line lengeth, beautiful wording
She grants me
witha kiss, my beautiful Siren.I, too, can't really find anything wrong with this. It was beautifully done. I love how it was inspired by a song. I try to do that sometimes, but it never works out that well. You did a fabulous job with this. Keep up the great work! Keep writing!
This was beautifully written. Sorry, I'm not help, but I don't have anything to say about improving it. Good job with it. Can't wait to see more of your work.
Keep writing~
Blue.