Warframe-Children of the Void: Record 1
Tenno Awoken
"Wake up Tenno. Hurry, the Grineer are closing into your location!"
"It is too late for you now Tenno.The Lotus thought she could wake you before I arrived, but she was far too slow."
The area is bathed in golden light. I do not know where I am, or who these voices belong to. I can't even tell if I'm human. I fall from the pod I was contained in, landing on all fours. I try to speak but I can't. Do I even have a voice? I look down at my arms, sparking with electricity.
"The queens will be pleased with you. They have been searching far and wide for a Tenno, and I, Captain Vor, shall bring you to them." says a menacing, disfigured man. He attaches something to my ankle and it digs into my armor. I theres no pain, but I feel it dig deep.
"Tenno, get up! I'm surging your shields. When that happens, get up and run!" resonates a voice from within my head. Everything flashes white and I get up and run. My vision returns, and I can see soldiers clad in green, heavy armor. One of them raises a cleaver-like weapon at me and charges. I hold up my hands to defend myself as an arrow buries itself in the soldiers back. Several other figures are standing at the end of a corridor, one waving to me as the others fight off the soldiers. I run towards the group, dodging a hail of bullets and cleavers.
"Don't let them escape!" shouts Captain Vor. I look up and see a golden portal open up. The other figures jump through, and I follow. The one who beckoned to me earlier, jumps, twisting in the air, and shoots at the device creating the portal. The device explodes, and the portal snaps shut.
"Follow these Tenno. I did not know they were here but follow them." the voice resonates again. I don't have much of a choice, do I? One of the figures puts out a hand to stop me. The area around us flickers, darkening for a brief second. "Tenno get out of there! The Stalk..." the mysterious voice gets cut off.
"Your actions have consequence Tenno." a new voice drones, sounding almost like teeth chattering. A red vortex appears behind us, and a figure emerges from it. "The Lotus cannot protect you now!"
The figure charges, swinging a scythe at the figure who was obviously leading the group. The black scythe meets with a gold blade, creating sparks. The black figure moves with the white leader, dancing in combat. Within minutes, the fight is over, the shadow prevailing. The menacing monster raises the scythe and brings it down. A braided dagger embeds itself into the arm of the figure.
"I'll have to stop you there. You always were a pain in my side Stalker." echoes a man standing in the shadows.
"The White Huntsman. You clearly do not remember your place." the Stalker chatters, removing the dagger from his arm and drawing his own knives. The Huntsman drew a blade of pure, white light out of the air, and parried an incoming dagger. Stalker sprinted forward and jumped up, slamming his scythe down on the Huntsman. The Hunstman deflected the blow, causing a blast of energy to hit a pillar. The energy being put off by the two fighters was immense, already damaging much of the surrounding area. "You can no longer maintain your energy. You have lost!"
The Stalker moved forward as the entire room crumbled. The Huntsman drew a dagger and threw it into a crack in one of the support pillars. The pillar exploded into dust and debris causing the room to cave in. "Run, to the ship!" shouted the Huntsman as he sprinted forward. I followed closely, having regained much of my strength. One of the other group members tossed me a weapon much like a katana. I took the blade and assisted with cutting down what resistance we had left. The group reached a landing platform where a large vessel awaited. We all boarded and the ship took off, blasting into space at insane speeds. Within minutes we were orbiting the planet.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
Heya, Sour Cream! Casanova and realm dweller here to do a review!
One thing I would like to say about this is that it was really suspenseful, so I appreciate that. You keep your idea flowing, and you make it worthwhile to read. So, props for that! Anyway, to the review!
Okay, so, the first thing I noticed was how you kept switching how you portrayed dialogue. At some points you'd just use regular quotations, other times italics, and other times bold. Why do you switch like this? If you're wanting to portray emotions try different phrasings and punctuation. Excitement? Use an exclamation point! Worried, or scared? Leet them say it in a frightening tone! The phrasing is what helps it appear as if a real person was telling the story, instead of a computer operating system.
One thing I'd like to say is break a paragraph for dialogue and action. This helps keeps the paragraphs from becoming big, awkward texts that are hard on the eyes and daunting to read. Here's an example-
And you cut it at the dialogue, making it look something like this-
The Stalker moved forward as the entire room crumbled. The Huntsman drew a dagger and threw it into a crack in one of the support pillars. The pillar exploded into dust and debris causing the room to cave in.
""Run, to the ship!" shouted the Huntsman as he sprinted forward. I followed closely, having regained much of my strength. One of the other group members tossed me a weapon much like a katana. I took the blade and assisted with cutting down what resistance we had left. The group reached a landing platform where a large vessel awaited. We all boarded and the ship took off, blasting into space at insane speeds. Within minutes we were orbiting the planet."
Something like that, see what I mean? Cuts a long paragraph almost in half and makes it look a lot neater.
Anyway, I think that's all I have to say on this one.
Keep on doing what your doing and keep on keeping on.
Your friend, Casanova
Hey KireThePotatoChip,
First Impressions: To be honest, I like the different concepts that you're throwing around, especially with this merge of Fantasy and Sci-Fi, which is always good, if done right.
Positives:
The jump into the story is good as it leaves no room for the reader to get lost or get bored. An opening scene should always be like this.
Your story has a nice story-line with some interesting plots twisting back and forth. We've been introduced to quite a few key characters right from the beginning, which leaves us with a need for information, and that means, keep reading. Otherwise we'll be left confused. Also good.
Negatives:
While your story is good, the writing itself seems to be a little lacking in the sense of effective prose and rhetoric. My meaning is that you have a very, "First thing 1 happens, and then thing 2 happens, and thing 3 happens, and then thing 4." It's effective at making sure we know exactly where we're at in the story, but it's not very good at helping us to get lost in it. If I was reading an essay, then this would be fine, but creative riding requires a little more, well, creativity.
Maybe try to have some fun playing with words and breaking up the natural blocking of the piece.
Overall: Seems to have some great potential, especially when you've worked out a kink or two.
I give it:
Thanks for putting this up. If you make any revisions I'd love to come back and read the new version! Keep me posted.