z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Liberation

by KiraThePotatoChip


Prologue: War

Humanity is lost. War is eternal, and will always prevail. Know this, as the world is falling. Remember who you are. Never let an army stand in your way. You can prevail against anything.

War was always the way most thought the world would be destroyed. Never did we imagine it would happen in our lifetime. But it is time to face the facts. It is time to face reality. War is real. And war is the reason the Earth is dying. Allow me to explain. Two years ago in the year 2016 war erupted. Me and my family could only afford two tickets to get out of America before it got to enveloped in a war. We sent my two brothers. I knew they would be safe. Me and my parents traveled as far away as we could, leaving our old lives behind. We had no choice.

We began journeying towards the most remote place we could get to. The Turkestan Desert. It was as close as we could get to our family. When we arrived we did not have it easy. Criminals, bandits, raiders, you name it, they were stationed all over the desert. We learned to defend ourselves. We learned how to survive.

Eventually, around a year later, we were discovered by civilization. These people helped reunite us with my brothers, and most of my family. Even then it did not last long. We decided we would end this war. Each of us trained to fight, to kill… we trained ourselves to be the most devastating weapons on Earth. The world knows of us by the name of Izarzir.

I was the only one who ever got deployed to fight in another country. This is my mission, and my story. I am to return to where I lived, and liberate it from the enemy. I am to regain control, and destroy the hold that the invaders have left on my country. I am known only as K, high ranking member of the Izarzir Battlemasters. And this… this is redemption.

Introduction: The Final Division

“You realize nothing will ever be the same after you do this?” questions my brother.

“We all knew this when we decided what we would do.” I reply back. We are in my room, a large area with an interesting layout.

“Yes… yes we did.” He quietly say to himself.

“Hey, keep your head high. We’ve been through worse before” I try to say encouragingly. He nods.

“When do you leave?” My brother asks. Checking the time I give an estimate.

“Around three more hours.” We sit in silence for a while.

“Be safe. After what happened at… at the Howler camp I couldn't…” He shudders.

“Listen to me.” I tell him. “Never again am I putting you through what you had to endure there. I will never leave you like that.” I tell him.

“Thank you…” He whispers. I get up.

“Come on, let's get some food.” I say. We leave the room, going down the hall towards a flight of stairs. “Life is never going to be what we knew it as. We just need to move on” I say quietly.

“Yeah.” my brother manages to say. We descend down a few floors. One of the soldiers notices us.

“Generals.” He stands at attention.

“At ease soldier.” I tell him.

“Your father is requesting your presence.” He tells us.

“Ah yes… nearly forgot about that.” I say. “Thank you soldier” I tell him. “Sorry we’ll have a proper meal when I get back.” I apologize to my brother.

“Be safe.” he tells me. I put my hand on his shoulder. “I will. See you at the parting ceremony.” I walk away. I decide to take the fastest way down to sub-levels of the house. The Gravity Well. This is a chaos energy subdivision conduit folding back on itself. Actually that's not what it is. It just sounds more logical than gravity defying hole in the ground. Anyway all I have to do is jump into it, and it takes me where I want to go. In this case it's the lowest level we have. After arriving at the bottom, which can only be accessed by a select few, I begin the long walk to the planning room. I the case that our actual base is destroyed we have a backup, which is where I am walking to right now. The lower levels can only be accessed by me, and a few others, and is almost five times the size of our normal base. It is meant to be the last line of defense. I arrive at the door to the Grand Marshalls room, and enter. “ If I had the choice, I would never let you go on this mission.” a voice from the shadows echos. “ It isn't your choice however.” I say back. The voice sighs. “That is true.” the voice replies. “What did you want to speak to me about father?” I ask. “You will be leading The Final Division on this mission. They have several subdivisions. The Avian Division is going to get you back into our home, and will provide air support. The Nuclear Division will supply you will artillery, and weapons support, they are your infantrymen. The Hidden Division will supply you with sniper support, as well as other stealth support. The other divisions will be gone over in this mission file.” He finishes speaking, handing my a folder. “Be safe, and good luck.” He tells me. “You’re not going to the parting ceremony?” I ask him. “No… I’m sorry my son, but I can't. There are matters closer to our base that need my attention.” He replies sadly. “I understand.” I tell him. “Farewell father.”

I walk out of the room, anticipating the worst when I return home.

Chapter 1: The Airship

I arrive back at my room. I grab all my supplies I packed earlier, as well as a few other things. I dress in my uniform, a black, army styled suit, with several bands of gold, and many rank marks. The last thing I grab is my two weapons. My sword, and my pistol. These are both unique, and are essential in my armaments. I start my way down the stairs, towards the main floor. One of the soldiers asks if he should take my bag. I allow him to do so, only keeping my two weapons. I arrive at the main floor shortly afterwards, walking towards the large set of red blast doors. As they begin to open, the sounds of millions of soldiers training, and preparing for departure can be heard. That all stops once the blast door booms to a stop. Every last soldier is standing at attention, waiting for me to reach my destination. I arrive at a large platform, my family behind me. “At ease soldiers.” I say through a microphone. Everyone relaxes. I take a deep breath. “Soldiers. Today we start our campaign to free the land that was taken from us. Today we are going to war. And today, we will start on a journey that we will not stop, until every last one of us is dead!” The wind is starting to howl, and the sky is dimmed, clouds covering the sun. “Today we are going to fight until we stop this war, and we will do so with honor! Let it be known here and now, that every step we take, every breath you breath, every defeat suffered, we are heros, and are going to win this war!” I begin to shout. “Dismissed, return to your posts.” I yell over the wind. Everyone begins to gather their bags, and supplies, and begins to march towards The Nightwish, my APAS, or All Purpose Attack Station. This massive beast is over 20 Kilometers in length, and can travel in almost any environment, be that air, land, sea, or space. Yes space travel was taken into account when we built this beast. “All troops prepare for departure in 5 minutes.” A voice announces over the ship's P.A. system. “I must go, I will see you once the war is over…” I say turning around to face my family. “Be safe.” my mother says. “I will.” I reply to her. “Keep us updated.” My brother demands. “Don't you worry, father will receive my reports, and messages. Tell X I send my regards.” I tell him. X is the name my youngest brother goes by. “Begin boarding now. Launch in 2 minutes” The voice says again. “This is it… I will come back. Now stop worrying about me, and return to your duties” I insist. Then without waiting for a reply, I jump of the podium, running towards the hangar gate. “Liftoff in 5,4,3,2,1 Engaging thrusters.” The voice announces, just as I get into elevator towards the bridge. I grab onto a handrail. This is going to be a bumpy ride. After a few long moments I arrive. The doors open, and I step out. “K is on the bridge, repeat K is on the bridge” A computerized voice announces. Everyone stands at attention. I look around. The crew looks a bit inexperienced, but they’ll do. “At ease soldiers.” I say. As everyone relaxes my second in command T greets me. “Nice speech you gave out their General. Sure it wasn't a bit… much?” He says jokingly, hitting me in the arm. “You know me. The more dramatic the better.” I look around the room. “It's been a long time since I was on this old ship… lots has changed.” I say. The bridge is designed almost like a teardrop. The front more bulky and circular, with a pointed end with the elevator. There are three different levels, each one for a different purpose. The top level is the command center. It holds several control centers, as well as the command chair. The second level is the piloting center. The pilots have several different areas to control certain parts of the ship. The last level is the combat center. This is where we can manage the troops, our defences, ships, and armaments. The entire bridge is black, with yellow-gold lights to allow for low level lighting during the night. “Plot course for North America. Co-Ordinates 43.476532, -112.01250700000003. And set engines to stealth mode. As of right now, we are at war.” I instruct my crew. I sigh. “Flight Sergeant T you are in control of the bridge until I return.” I announce. “Yes General.” T calls back. I get back into the elevator. After arriving at my desired floor, I start down the long, black, winding halls. I arrive at a door that is at the very end of the hallway. “Access code Atlantic. Command chain Sahara.” I say out loud. The door begins to unlock, its circular body spinning around, and falling down into the floor. I step into my cabin. As the lights come on I begin to look around my room. This is one part of the ship that remains unchanged. White, metallic walls, with sky blue lights, and some equally white lights as well. The room starts as a passageway, with the small kitchen area, and leads into a large oval room, around 100 feet in diameter. This is the living area, and the room branches of into two smaller, yet cozy rooms. One bedroom, and one bathroom. The living area has several couches, media displays, and a fireplace. “Activate mission log.” I say. “Recording is now starting.” A deep computerized voice announces. “Departure was successful, and we are now heading towards our objective. So far all is good, and we are ready to liberate America.” I finish summarizing the rest of what has happened. “Send data to The Tower.” I ask the ship's computer. “Data Transferred.” The computer notifies me. I stretch. I look over at a clock. It's around 9:30. “Computer at 10:30 alert me, and begin the curfew protocols.” I request. “As you wish General.” the computer replies. I leave the room heading towards the elevator again. I decide to go to the training floor. The elevator opens, and I can see several soldiers training, be it hand to hand combat, sparring with blades, or just exercising. I head towards the simulation room. There are only a few people actually in room. They have some onlookers, but not many. I pick an empty one, and bring only my blade with me. “Run simulation X, highest settings.” I tell the computer. “Affirmative General.” The computer responds. The room begins to darken, fading into complete darkness. Then the simulation kicks in. The entire room becomes an environment. I am in a large room, empty of people, but filled with chairs, tables, and booths. To the side their are several large windows, showing the outside, and a set of doors. I can hear some footsteps. I move towards the sound, and am greeted by a figure, dressed in an all black exo-suit. Its face is covered by a mask, with only some orange eyes staring from them. I draw my blade from its sheath. Similarly made like a Japanese Katana, Its crossguard is circular, shaped like a wolf chasing its own tail. The blade is almost pure black, with a yellow tint in the middle. The figure draws a large broadsword from its back. We both wait in silence for a few moments. The figure suddenly swings their blade from below, putting an incredible amount of force behind their swing as I sidestep their blade. I can feel the air ripple as the blade passes mere inches from my face. I swing my weapon overhead, preparing to move at a moment's notice. As our blades connect the figure is thrown back, its blade wrenched from its grasp. I place my hand where my pistol would be, realizing I left it back in the locker room. ‘I’ll just do it the old fashioned way.’ I think to myself. I pick up the sword the figure dropped. Before I can move in for the final blow an explosion knocks me back. As I get up, coughing, eight figures appear. My sword lies a few feet away. I do the opposite of what any sane person would, and charge at the blurry shapes. Each one draws a gun simultaneously, preparing to fire at me. As the first barrage of bullets is fired I run straight into them. Then before they touch my body, I release a blast of ice at them. Before continuing I should probably explain this. A few of the items I am currently wearing are a set of rings. Most would call what these enable me to do magic, but it's not. These rings are advanced technological devices that enable me to create, and destroy. There are four rings total, although I only need the ring that allows me to create, and destroy. The other three are able to amplify my power, among other things. I can create any element, any atom, any form. It allows me an advantage of immense power. It has some disadvantages, but I’ll explain that later. Now let’s get back to the fight. As the bullets drop to the floor I grab my sword from the ground, slashing, and weaving throughout the eight people standing. In an instant five of them are on the ground, dead. The other three are charging me. I drop my blade. Without warning I lash out with my foot, catching one of them in the jaw, knocking them to the ground. I grab one of the other two by the arm, twisting it hard, and slamming my head to theirs. They crumple to the ground. The last one looks at its fallen comrades. They look at me, and then charge. I kick it in it’s chest. They go flying a few feet. Rather than finishing them off with my blade, I instead deactivate the simulation. I’m drenched in sweat. “Computer what is the time?” I ask. “The time is currently 9:50 P.M. General.” It took me about 20 minutes, although it felt a bit shorter. I stretch my back. ‘Still have enough time to shower before the curfews announced.’ I think to myself. As I leave the simulation room the lights momentarily blind me. As I readjust to the light I notice that the majority of soldiers have left. I go to the locker room and collect my things. I head towards the elevator, where a few other soldiers are waiting. Once it’s arrived we all squeeze into it. We sit in silence for the ride.. “Arriving at floor C.” The computer announces. I get off, and proceed towards my cabin. After getting inside I go towards the bathroom. I take a quick shower, and get out. Looking at the mirror I realize an old scar is now just a patch of discolored skin. “Took you long enough.” I scold it. I got that scar when we were first attacked by bandits a few years back. Up until a week ago it was more of a large scab. I put on a fresh set of clothes, and head out. I decide to go to the bridge, and check on the crew. “General on deck.” T announces when I arrive. “T, place ship in curfew mode in five minutes.” I ask him. “Yes sir.” He replies. “Status report on location.” I hear from one of the pilots. “Twelve hours until Touchdown.” He says. I nod in satisfaction. “Alright notify me when we land.” I ask. “Shift change in 30 minutes.” I tell them. I head back to my cabin, preparing for the night. As I begin to fall asleep I begin mapping out strategies for our attack. Before I know it I’m knocked out cold. But tomorrow we encounter some problems.

Chapter 2: The Dead Country

Beep Beep Beep some infuriating thing is making. I open my eyes slowly. Groaning as I sit up, I realize it’s my alarm. I get out of bed slowly, a little sore from last night. After chasing down my alarm for a few minutes, I finally start getting ready for the day. After a hurried breakfast, I pull on some fresh clothes, and leave for the bridge.

“General on deck.” T’s shift replacement announces. “Status report on our progress pilots.” I inquire. “Two Hours left until we reach our destination.” one of them replies. “There is one...other matter sir.” The other one tells me nervously.

“Continue.” I reply. “We seem to be losing power to our thrusters. We will need to land soon, or we might be prone to a crash landing.”

“Where are we currently?’ I ask them. “Around the Utah Badlands area. Co-ordinates 40.900020, -113.442764.”

“Very well, prepare us for landing.” I order them. “Execute the Divide Protocols.” I add.

“Prepare for emergency landing, repeat prepare for emergency landing.” the computer's voice announces. I was hoping we could make it through without any problems, but it seems I’m out of luck. The Divide Protocols ensure we set up base effectively, and quickly.

“Get someone to fetch my weapons.” I order one of the crew. No good going into unknown territory without them. Already we are dropping several meters below the cloud level. As we get closer to the ground landing legs are lowered, and the ship moves its parts around to form a more rectangular shape.

“Here are your effects General.” A soldier informs me, handing me one of my bags. I dismiss him, and make sure I have everything.

“Landing thrusters Engaged.” One of the pilots announces. “All systems functioning at normal levels.” “Thrusters losing power still.” The other informs me. “Weapons armed, and in passive mode.” One of the weapons crew informs me. I lean forward, my arms stretched to the rail in front of me. “Brace for landing.” The computer announces. The ship lands a little rough, causing the entire interior to shake.

“Beginning Division Protocols.” One of the Command Engineers begins to announce. The ship begins to split into different segments, arranging itself into the perfect military base in a matter of minutes. As the bridge is lowered to the ground, I turn towards the elevator, now a mere lift to the surface. “Everyone suit up. We are now in enemy territory, and we must be prepared for anything. We are now committing ourselves to this war.” I say grimly.

“Yes General.” A chorus of voices answers back at me. I walk to the elevator, choosing to go to the surface. While inside I suit up. I put on a pure black undershirt, and some black jumpsuit pants. I take of my four rings, pulling on some dark red and black gloves. Putting my rings back on, I pull on a maroon armorlike shirt, followed by a pure black trench coat, with a hood. I finish putting my feet into some tall, black boots, and the elevator door opens.

I can hear lots of chatter once I step outside. Looking up at the sky I can see it's overcast, with a rainstorm further south. I head straight down to large clearing. Some helicopters fly overhead, heading towards our helipads. As I reach the clearing, I can now see more of the surrounding area. The entire landscape is either desertlike, or covered in salt flats. I speak into my communicator when I notice something unusual on the outskirts of my vision.

“I need six troops from the Nuclear Division, 1st Battalion to my position now. I’m going to check something out.” I request from my crew in the bridge. “Roger that, sending requested troops now.” I hear back. I only have to wait a few moments before the men I requested arrive. I brief them on where we will be investigating. We begin to head out. It's not much further than half a kilometer away. The wind begins to pick up, and the rainstorm is getting closer.

“Move cautiously, but do not open fire unless directed by me.” I instruct the men once we get within a few yards of what can now be clearly seen as some type of house. “Hold position here, and be prepared to move.” I tell them. I start walking to the house. Arriving at the front porch, battered with age, I open the door carefully. It's almost pitch black inside. Looking inside I can see almost nothing. Creeping inside very cautiously, I keep my ears attentive, listening for the slightest noise. I step further into the house. I wince silently as one of the floorboards under my feet creak. Then almost too fast for me to process, which surprised even me, I see a bat being swung at me. I dodge underneath it, and as whoever is wielding it swings it again, I jump over it. Once they swing again I’m prepared. I catch the bat with my hand, twisting it out of the opponents hands. “A bat won’t do you much good against me I’m afraid.” I say coldly. I still can’t see whoever tried to attack me, and I step towards them.

“Maybe that won't, but this should.” Says a voice from behind me, obviously female. I hear a gun being cocked. “Now if you want to keep living, drop the bat, and step away with your hands in the air.” The voice demands. As I comply, I turn around. I can now hear outside the rain, pouring down, with flashes of lightning.

“Everything okay in their sir?” My communicator beeps. The person who is holding their gun tenses. I carefully press the button on my wrist to reply. “Yes...Yes I believe so.” I respond to the soldier. I can hear a sigh of relief, and a gun safety being engaged.

“Who are you?’ Asks my first assailant who, judging by their voice, is a younger girl. “Depends on who you ask...Depends on what most think of me.” I reply.

“Amy get us some light.” The one with a gun asks. As Amy goes and gets a lamp, I ask a question. “Who are you?” I question. “Because it takes a certain amount of skill to hold off against me, let alone sneak up behind me.”

“You didn’t exactly tell us who you were. Why should I tell you?” She inquires. Before I can answer her, her sister returns. I can see both quite easily now. “Lily what does this man want from us?” Amy asks. There both sisters, I can see that much. They both have similar builds, skinny, and tall, and similar hair colors. Amy is obviously the younger one, smaller than her sister by around a foot or two. Lily is taller, with a more grim face. Both are covered in dust, and grime.

“I don’t want anything from you.” I explain. “Then why did you come here at all?” Lily asks suspiciously.

“This is the only sign of any type of civilization for kilometers. How could I not investigate?” I respond.

“Are you with the soldiers who landed here?” Amy questions.

“I am. I’m the commander of all of them.” I respond.

“Are… Are you here to hurt us?” She asks me.

“No… I don't care who you ally yourselves with, I am not here to hurt you.” I reply.

“Are you part of the Reformed?” Lily asks. Surprised at her question I respond.

“No. I’m here to fight a war against them. They took my home. I’m going to take lives.”

She looks satisfied, nodding. “Those scum killed our parents… and me and my sister were left to fend for our own.” She tells me bitterly. The Reformed is the name the enemy we are fighting call themselves. I decide to make an offer. “Why don’t you come with me? We have plenty of available space, and we can offer you protection.” I tell them. “What do you have their that we would need?” Amy asks me. I give her my best reply. “I can give you hope. And if you want to get vengeance for your parents, then I am willing to train you, and make sure you get it.”

“Oh what the heck… We’ve got nothing left here anyway.” Lily declares. “Are you sure about this? If we choose this path we can never go back to the life we knew…” Amy asks her sister.

“Life has never been what we knew since these last two years. If we can make a better future for ourselves than I’m taking it.” Lily responds. I nod. “Let's get moving then.” I tell them. The gather a few things, and then we depart. The soldiers look surprised when I exit the building with two new people.

“I picked up some allies. Let's move. Now.” I demand. The wind is now howling, and the rain is pouring down. As we trudge our way towards the encampment, I see a pair of headlights, and a military vehicle racing towards us. “That's not one of ours.” I realize. I yell over the wind. “Run as fast as you can, I’ll cover you. Take the girls.” I order my troops.

“What are you going to do against a convoy of troops?” Lily asks, incredulous.

“I’m going to do something, and it's not going to be pretty.” I tell her. She looks at me like I’m crazy. “What are you standing here for? Run. I’ll be fine.” I insist. They retreat hesitantly. I drop my soaked trench coat, heavy with rain, of my shoulders. The vehicle stops, and several soldiers get out.

“You’re coming with us.” A man, who is clearly the captain says.

“I don't think so.” I reply. All of them pull rifles of their backs. “I will tell you one more time. Come with us, or die.” The captain repeats.

“I like the sound of death. Except I think I’ll kill you instead.” I retort coldly.

“Have it your way.” The captain replies, as he opens fire. I hold out my hand, catching the bullets in a closed fist. Using my rings power, I simply send them flying back towards him. The clouds are now so heavy that the sun is almost blotted completely out, making the sky nearly pitch black.

“Rule one when engaging your enemy: Expect the unexpected.” I shout at the soldiers as their captain falls to the ground, dead. They all open fire, and I run straight at them, jumping over their bullets, and drawing my sword. As I land behind the remaining soldiers, I twist my body around, swinging my weapon horizontally at them. Four of them fall to the ground. The last two look at me in fear, but attempt to press the attack. I pull out my pistol with my left hand, and finish them of. I holster my gun, and sheath my blade. I pick up my trench coat of the ground. Putting it back on, I turn towards the vehicle. It resembles a buggy, albeit with more room.

“It would be a shame to leave it here I suppose.” I say to myself, hopping in. Starting it up, I begin cruising to the base we have set up.

“Nice find you got sir.” I get on my comms. “Couldn’t let it go to waste now could I?” I reply grinning. I arrive at one of four gates. After being waved through, I drive the vehicle into one of our transport storage areas. Getting out I begin trekking towards the my troops. It’s only a little after 1:00 P.M. despite the darkness.

“Where are the girls?” I ask, noticing they aren’t with the troops. “Lieutenant L took them to get cleaned up.” one tells me. I should’ve known I suppose. L is a good soldier, and an even better person. She is protective of anyone who went through hard times, and is very motherly I suppose. It only seems natural she would find those two, and immediately focus on them.

“Tell L to send them to me when she’s done with them.” I ask one of my soldiers. “Yes sir.” He replies. I dismiss them. I head to the mission planning area. After heading through the door, I can see most of my crew are in deep conversation. I take of my trenchcoat, and armor covering my torso and arms.

“No, no, no… we should approach it like this.” I hear one voice say.

“What if we try it like this.?” I hear another say. I decide to interrupt them.

“Someone want to explain what you’ve come up with so far?” I question loudly. Everyone turns to look at me, slightly surprised.

“Er… yes sir.” I hear T say. Everyone relaxes once T begins running me through what our next objective is.

“It seems that this area isn’t quite as deserted as we’d like.” He explains. “Up ahead, on the interstate road, their is a large border check. Somehow they have a wall encompassing all of Idaho.”

“They must know what we hid there...We need to move as fast as we can now.” I tell them.

“Yes, however we have another matter to worry about.” T informs me. “Further south, it appears we have a large military encampment. And it's full of Reformed.” He continues.

“And what status do we stand at with this dent in the plan?” I ask him, pacing back and forth.

“It looks like they know we’re here… They are preparing for war. We have at most a month before they launch their attack.” He explains, his forehead creasing. I sigh. I really didn't want it to come to this, but it seems it must.

“I need some time to think about this… I’ll get back to you once I have a solid plan.” I tell the group, with a heavy sigh. I turn to leave, grabbing my two items of apparel. Strapping on the body armor, and slinging my coat over my shoulder, I depart. It’s still raining outside, but the clouds have lifted a little, lightening the sky. Before I move any further, I can hear a vehicle heading my way. Turning towards it, I can see Lily, Amy, as well as L in one of our standard vehicles, much like a truck.

“Well what are you doing standing in the rain like that?” L questions me. I hop into the back of the truck.

“What took you so long?” I ask L jokingly.

“Do you know how large this place is? I don’t think I’ll ever memorize the layout of the thing,” L states, laughing. We ride in silence for a little while.

“You’re awfully quiet.” L remarks. She turns around to look at me.

“I’m… thinking.” I tell her. “I’ll brief you once we get to shelter, but we have some problems.” I tell her. I keep my head bowed, looking at my feet.

“It must be bad… It’s been a long time since you’ve looked this troubled.” L tells me. I just sit in silence. This dilemma could lead to a very unfortunate ending for this war. We eventually come to a stop. I get out slowly, and wait for everyone else to join me. We’re at my main office. I open the door, and let everyone inside. It’s relatively simple, just a planning room, a small bedroom, a bathroom, and the main office.

“What are you so worked up about K?” L asks me as we enter my office. “Never have I seen you look so depressed.” She adds, worryingly.

“I… The Reformed are preparing an attack on this base.” I tell her. “And it's not a small one. This will be a battle that we may not be prepared for.” I say grimly.

“Well then you need to get what we came for.” She says.

“I have a month at most to get it. We are miles from the border.” I stress. “I don't have that much time. I won't be able to get back in time when the fight starts.” I say, frustrated.

“Then go. Get what we came for, and get back to lead us to victory.” L demands. “You’ve faced worse. So get what we need, and help us win this fight.” I sigh.

“You’re right.” I say. “Don't die while I’m gone. I’ll be very, very mad at every last one of you.” I tell L. She laughs.

“We don't die easily. I’m sure we can hold out long enough for you to return.” She tells me. I grin.

“Then let's get to work.” I declare.

“Um… we’re still here.” Lily announces. I turn towards her.

I can see both sisters much better, now that I have some light. Both have blondish hair, and fairly skinny bodies. Both are pretty tall, but Amy is shorter, and both have fairly light skin.

“Yes you are.” I say. “What will you do now that you are here though?” I ask.

“We want to help you.” Lily tells me. Amy nods. They both have determined looks on their faces.

I grin. “Then let’s begin” I tell them. I head over to my computer, starting it up. After a few minutes, I select a video game, and join it.

“How do you have time to play a game at a time like this?” Amy questions, puzzled.

“Everything is monitored by the Reformed.” I explain. “But one thing they never can check is what is said inside a multiplayer match. I communicate with some old friends this way.” I finish. It’s strange, but it works. I explain to them that I will be arriving soon, and they need to be prepared. After that I move around on my chair towards a set of papers.

“What exactly are you thinking?” L asks me. I return to my desk.

“I have a way to infiltrate the city.” I explain. Looking over the papers I roll over to a whiteboard. Drawing out a rough sketch of the state, I mark known checkpoints, and on the other side draw a map of the actual city.

“What the heck are you thinking?” Lily questions, obviously lost. I grin rolling back from the map, only to hit a bump, causing my chair to fall over with me on it.

“Ouch…” I complain. I get back up rubbing my back. Everyone looks at me like I’m crazy, which considering the circumstances, I probably am.

“Anyway… the plan?” Lily asks me. I walk over to the sketches.

“The plan… yes it goes like this.” I mutter to myself. Turning towards the board I explain the plan. “Here is the first checkpoint. We bypass that, and we are halfway to the objective.” Lily takes this moment to interrupt me.

“Yeah about that. What is this ‘Objective’ you keep going on about?” she asks me. I look at her.

“The world is dying. Some of us noticed. Did you think I was really going to let that happen?” I ask her.

“Your evading the question.” She tells me. I sigh, turning around to face a window.

“Beyond that border is the one thing that will save us. Across that border is the world's salvation.” I explain. We talk for several hours, until it becomes dark. We have our plan. Everyone leaves my office after we are done speaking. I try to go to sleep as fast as possible. In a few hours we make our first move.















































Chapter 3: Infiltration

“Wake up. We leave now.” I hear Lily’s voice say in the darkness. I grin to myself, jumping out of my cot. “Do you even sleep at all?” Lily questions surprised.

“Normally I do. But with all… this, it's not easy to sleep.” I reply gesturing towards the rest of the fine details of the plan, scattered about my room. “Now if you could leave so I could get dressed that would be great. I say. Lily leaves quickly. I suit up in a different layout of armor and apparel this time. I still go with the same underclothing, more or less, with the exception being it's one whole piece of clothing much like a jumpsuit. I pull on some more armored leggings, and some heavy duty boots. Both are black, with occasional deep red colorings. I put on a more armour-like chestpiece this time, mostly black. The I pull some tactical styled gloves. Instead of the trench coat I go for more of a cloak. The only layer that is new is a mask. It is mostly made of rare metals, and is a very advanced piece of tech. The mask has a stern expression, with some black markings covering it. I pull my cloak's hood over it. My sword is on the back of my armor, hidden by the cloak. My gun is also hidden, but on my waist. I finish by placing my four rings over my left and right index and ring fingers. I walk out of the building.

“What took you so long?’ Amy asks me, looking slightly alarmed by my appearance. I don't blame her. I probably look like some evil spirit. I gesture towards the vehicle we will be taking, not answering her. The car is of a slim design, although it fits several people. All the soldiers pile in with us and, as we begin to move I begin to converse with Lily and Amy.

“You two remember the plan?” I ask them, my voice being muffled by the mask. I flip a switch on my helmet. They both nod. Already our vehicle is moving at breakneck pace.

“Estimated time of arrival is an hour.” The driver announces. I sit back, trying to relax. This is going to be a long night. I take off my mask to breathe more easy.

“We have to checkpoints to clear before we can get to the objective correct?” Pyre asks me. I nod, looking around at our landscape. Pyre is one of the soldiers that was with me earlier. He is helping me lead the squad I managed to put together. We sit in silence for the rest of the ride. Eventually we begin creaking to a stop. I look up, surprised by what I see. The checkpoint is a giant wall, stretching across the entire border by the looks of it. We knew they had a wall, but not on this scale. It appears several hundred meters tall. Some of you are wondering what measurements I’m using. I prefer to use a mix of both Metric, and the Basic. It helps me a bit more than one might think. We slowly drive towards the customs booth.

“I’m sorry sir, but no new arrivals are allowed at this time. We will have to detain you.” The man at the gate controls states. He looks emotionless. I put on my mask.

“Sorry buddy, but we are getting past this.” I tell him, getting out of the vehicle. The man looks at me angrily.

“You are not getting in, and that is final!” He shouts at us. I move my hand, slowly moving the huge metal gate upwards. My troops drive through, shooting at anyone raising a weapon at us. Once they make it all the way through I slam the get down, destroying it. I draw my sword slowly, and move it in a circle. I push my free hand outward, and the earth begins rumbling. I pull my hand back, and smash it into the ground. The majority of the checkpoints wall crumbles into a large, fiery pile. What troops are left either continue fighting, or flee. I make my way over what is now a pile of molten scrap. I raise my hands again, only to become incredibly dizzy. Before anything else happens I fall to my knees, coughing.

“General!” Pyre shouts, but I can barely hear him. I take off my helmet, and begin to cough uncontrollably. I fall on all fours.

“Cursed rings…” I say to myself, coughing up some blood. Remember how I said the rings had a downside? Well this is part of it. It takes incredible willpower to even wear the rings, let alone use them.

“Are you alright General?” Pyre asks me, at my side. I look over to him, slowly standing.

“I’m fine. Never tried… to use that much… power.” I manage to say. Already I am beginning to feel better. Each time I use the ring I become more powerful, able to withstand much more advanced and prolonged use.

“How should we proceed then?” Pyre asks me. I stretch out a little.

“ Let's travel straight through the territory.” I say,


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Sun Nov 27, 2016 8:05 pm
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Sour cream! This is Casanova here to do a review as promised.

Anyway, the big block of text. This is a bit more than a formatting issue. This could do with some paragraph breaking. Paragraph breaking is when you break a paragraph when it has several different ideas, thoughts, or it breaks for dialogue. This helps shorten the paragraphs into smaller chunks where it's not as hard on the eyes, and it looks so much neater that way.
The other thing is that you should break this up into three actual chapters. The length was just so daunting to read, ya know? It's humongous, and I didn't appreciate that as you know my attention span is far from the greatest one there is.
The other thing I wanted to mention is dialogue. Some dialogue is fine, whereas you sue a bunch of it to tell the story(besides your big block of a text paragraph up above), and I feel you could use it differently. Your dialogue seems bland, as you use the regular,"he said,","she asked," ways of saying/asking something. I would suggest spicing this up and messing around with it, instead of just letting your characters seem a bit bland and tasteless.
Over all I think the plot is alright, though at the end I do think that you don't leave off on a note that makes me want to continue reading on to the next chapter. I would suggest messing around with that, and letting it come naturally. You could have ended this in several spots before you did, and yet it continued, and I didn't like the feel off that.
Anyway, that's all I'm going to say on this one. I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.

Your friend, Matt




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Sun Nov 27, 2016 10:38 am
Dulcet wrote a review...



I suppose if this is a year old, anything I point out won't necessarily apply to your writing now... so I'll take that as permission to roast this.

Not that I will, to be honest, but I'm just telling you I won't make an effort to be especially nice or anything. :D

First: paragraphs. I'm not sure if it was a formatting mistake, but Chapter 1 is this huge block of text that I'm not willing to slog through - mostly because the genre isn't quite my thing, so I apologise for only skimming through this. That being said, the premise sounds pretty interesting.

Anyway, the prologue and other chapters demonstrate you know when to break your paragraphs, so I'm assuming the wall of text in Chapter 1 was due to a formatting mistake.

Second: this exchange.

“I don’t want anything from you.” I explain.

“Then why did you come here at all?” Lily asks suspiciously.

“This is the only sign of any type of civilization for kilometers. How could I not investigate?” I respond.

“Are you with the soldiers who landed here?” Amy questions.

“I am. I’m the commander of all of them.” I respond.

“Are… Are you here to hurt us?” She asks me.

“No… I don't care who you ally yourselves with, I am not here to hurt you.” I reply.

“Are you part of the Reformed?” Lily asks. Surprised at her question I respond.

“No. I’m here to fight a war against them. They took my home. I’m going to take lives.”


I'd say there's too many "asked/responded" here. I understand that you want to mark who is speaking, since with three characters talking it's a bit confusing without the tags. It's just especially noticeable here because the tags are just really, really short. It's all "character says" and nothing else.

So, I'd suggest just adding a bit more description. Rather than just, "he said," "she said," you could describe their actions and body language as well. This can bring your characters to life, and space out the dialogue as an added bonus.

Third: grammar, punctuation, and dialogue.

“Here are your effects General.” A soldier informs me, handing me one of my bags.


I'm not one to give grammar lessons, so I'll just say there are definitely some online resources to help you with punctuation and dialogue. That line should be written as:

"Here are your effects, General," a soldier informs me, handing my one of my bags.

And this:

“No, no, no… we should approach it like this.” I hear one voice say.


... can be written as either:

"No, no, no... we should approach it like this," I hear one voice say.
or
"No, no, no," I hear one voice say, "we should approach it like this."

Just to give examples.

And fourth: emotion.

I've been seeing this quite a lot lately - writers not taking advantage of the first person point of view. I see what your main character is doing and saying, but I don't see what they're thinking or feeling.

One of the many advantages of first person is that we get to embed ourselves into the mind and body of the main character. We see what the character sees. We feel what the character feels. We think what the character thinks.

Unfortunately, there are some lines here that don't do that. I see the effects of the main character's thoughts and emotions, but I don't directly see, feel, or think them. This would be perfectly fine if it were in third person, in first person, it's just a missed opportunity.

Looking at your newer works though, I see you're going in the right direction. For example, from your Children of the Void Chapter 1:

I try to speak but I can't. Do I even have a voice? I look down at my arms, sparking with electricity.


That's definitely a step in the right direction. Putting your POV character's thoughts into the narrative is a good move.

I think that's it from it. Again, I recognise this piece is old so this feedback might not even be useful to you anymore. At least I can tell you you've definitely improved after looking at your newer works. You've got a good handle on storytelling I think. Your direct, to-the-point writing style leaves no room for anything unnecessary, which is great.

And now I have nothing left to say. Apologies if I sound curt or anything. Just ask if you're confused by anything I said, or need more elaboration. Good luck with your writing, and thanks for the interesting read!




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Fri Oct 14, 2016 4:45 pm
Poseidon says...



" I arrive back at my room. I grab all my supplies I packed earlier, as well as a few other things. I dress in my uniform, a black, army styled suit, with several bands of gold, and many rank marks. The last thing I grab is my two weapons."

Watch out for those I's.

"walking towards the large set of red blast doors."

What are red blast doors. If they have a significant aspect in the story you should explain what they are if not just call them doors.

Another thing, when the dialogue is going on for a while you don't have to keep saying "I said" or "he replies" and stuff like that.

"Its face is covered by a mask, with only some orange eyes staring from them."

This isn't correct, you need to remove the some and instead of "them" put "it".

"A few of the items I am currently wearing are a set of rings. Most would call what these enable me to do magic, but it's not. These rings are advanced technological devices that enable me to create, and destroy. There are four rings total, although I only need the ring that allows me to create, and destroy. The other three are able to amplify my power, among other things. I can create any element, any atom, any form. It allows me an advantage of immense power. It has some disadvantages, but I’ll explain that later."

This was a big info dump and surprise. So much so that it doesn't sound realistic at all. If you incorporate this into the story in a realistic way it would be much better.

" “The time is currently 9:50 P.M. General.” It took me about 20 minutes, although it felt a bit shorter."

This isn't really relevant to the story is it. Everything you say has to move the story forward. The reader can tell when you start saying stagnant things like this.

"I realize an old scar is now just a patch of discolored skin. “Took you long enough.” I scold it. I got that scar when we were first attacked by bandits a few years back. Up until a week ago it was more of a large scab."


That really doesn't make to much sense. He got the scar a few years ago but a few weeks ago it was a large scab and now its a patch of discolored skin??? Think about that.

"Beep Beep Beep some infuriating thing is making."

Just another thing that doesn't make too much sense.


Overall this would be a good story, but you need to add lots more depth to it. Also remember to show not tell. I guess u can review the rest yourself given all the info I gave you.




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Fri Oct 14, 2016 12:19 am
Poseidon wrote a review...



"Humanity is lost. War is eternal, and will always prevail."

I don't really get this. Did you miss a word or is it the Will of a Human?

"Allow me to explain."

Just some nitpicking. Saying "allow me to explain" kind of takes the reader out of the story, remember show don't tell. Another nitpick is you telling us about the war twice. We already know that there's a ware from the first sentence but in the second one you kind of tell us again.

Two years ago in the year 2016 war erupted. Me and my family could only afford two tickets to get out of America before it got to enveloped in a war."

Another nitpick is you telling us about the war twice. We already know that there's a ware from the first sentence but in the second one you kind of tell us again.

"I try to say encouragingly. He nods"

I don't really get this. Why is he trying to say it encouragingly? Is he down or doubting? If so you need to explain that to us readers.

"I walk away. I decide to take the fastest way down to sub-levels of the house."

Saying I twice isn't too appealing to the reader and isn't really correct.

By the way, such long paragraphs aren't ideal. It gives the reader a sense of length and it could weary him/her out. I found myself getting lost several times reading the paragraphs and sometimes I couldn't figure out who was speaking. Just a note for you.

"a voice from the shadows echos"

Why is it echoing, is the room large or something?

"“You will be leading The Final Division on this mission. They have several subdivisions. The Avian Division is going to get you back into our home, and will provide air support. The Nuclear Division will supply you will artillery, and weapons support, they are your infantrymen. The Hidden Division will supply you with sniper support, as well as other stealth support. The other divisions will be gone over in this mission file.” He finishes speaking, handing my a folder."

U don't think you could've somehow incorporated this into the story. I feel that you are telling us a lot of things, not showing us.

Well that's it Ill review the rest later. I like what I've read so far it seems like a killer story.

Keep Writing,
Poseidon






Thank you for the feedback. This story is actually dead, but I want to take elements of it into another story I'm writing. This was about a year ago, just before I figured out how to write somewhat good stories. Your feedback should help me put together a better plot for a different story.




Hearing these stories makes me realize that I never did anything with my childhood.
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