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Dreams of Love and Hate

by KiraThePotatoChip


How did it end up like this? It was a real shame. I actually enjoyed you for quite some time, even fell for you. Yet here we lie, never looking at the sky, a thing of beauty that we both enjoyed. Why did this happen? Now we're apart, farther from each other's grasp. Please just talk to me, please just walk with me, please...just be who you are. The year we parted ways and reached a further grade, that was the year you left me. Two years later, we met again, yet you had changed so much. We used to be legends, now we're just questioned, all because of me. I lost you, and I can't get you back, and so here we stand. I'm sorry my dear friend, my first love. Please just welcome me again. Why...why did it come to this L.


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624 Reviews


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Sun Nov 27, 2016 8:18 pm
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Sour Cream! Casanova here to do another review!
The main thing I like about this poem is the emotion behind it, and you can tell it's there. It's strict emotion, there's not add ins besides the story you're telling, and I like that. What I didn't like, however, was that this did lack any poetic devices and I was rather put off from reading it because of that. I would say something like imagery, metaphors, and simile's would be a good way to help you, and I think if you toyed around with this enough you would have a pretty decent piece in your hands.
Overall this was a decent piece that seems to be coming from the heart, and I hope I can see where you can take it. Use imagery, create an actual atmosphere, and let us envision exactly what you're wanting us to see without exactly saying it. That way we can feel and imagine all in the same go, and I really like the thoughts of this being turned to fit that exactly. Oh, and my favorite part of this was the last line,"Why... Why did it come to this?" That was a really good ending to this, and I don't think it should be changed. IT leaves off on a cliffhanger, yeah, but I feel like that just helps it.
Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one, and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.

Your friend, Matt




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Sun Oct 30, 2016 2:57 pm
Gymnast2801 wrote a review...



Hi there KiraThePotatoChip, it's Gymnast2801 stopping by with a review for The Black Cat Squad!

Before I start this review, I'd first like to say welcome to YWS! If you ever have any questions or concerns, feel free to contact me! I'm always here to help :)
Now...let's get this review going!

So I've decided that your work is short enough for a complete re-write so I will do just that! Anything that needs to be added (words, punctuation, etc. will be inside curly brackets!


How did it end up like this? It was a real shame. I actually enjoyed you for quite some time, {I} even fell for you. Yet here we lie, never looking at the sky, a thing of beauty that we both enjoyed. Why did this happen? Now we're apart, farther from each other's grasp. Please just talk to me, please just walk with me{. Please}...just be who you are. The year we parted ways and reached a further grade, that was the year you left me. Two years later, we met again, yet you had changed so much. We used to be legends, now we're just questioned, all because of me. I lost you, and I can't get you back, and so here we stand. I'm sorry my dear friend, my first love. Please just welcome me again. Why...why did it come to this L.


I rather like this! It's a very nice poem--very true and pretty deep, but because it's a poem I think you should break it up as one and not just one big paragraph. I would have done this for you but I am no good with poems and don't really know the basic rules to breaking one up. So maybe try to do this on your own and I think it will come together beautifully! You did a nice job with word choice and such, and I like this!

Please keep on writing!
-Gymnast2801 for The Black Cat Squad!
https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/im ... 60k129.jpg




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117 Reviews


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Sun Oct 30, 2016 12:46 am
Astronomer wrote a review...



Hello there KiraThePotatoChip (or Anorexic Demon Tax Collector, whatever it was that you called yourself). :P

This is Moonwatcher here with a Review Day review! ^-^

First things first, and to the point. The ellipses aren't necessary, take them out and replace them with commas. This poem doesn't use much poetic elements, such as metaphor or imagery, which I strongly suggest adding, in order to keep the poem from being something bland and unoriginal. The poem is something anybody could write, so my advice to you is to make it your own. How do you /really/ feel about this? After you though of this, describe it. Tell us how your feelings /really/ feel, give us some meat, give the reader something strong and moving to take in, instead of just bland text that doesn't present anything new to the table of this genre.

There's a subtle, inconsistent rhyme in the poem. My advice for that, either make the entire poem rhyme/make the rhyme scheme consistent, or burn the rhyme completely. Which one do I advise? Contrary to one of the previous reviews, burn the rhyme. As effective use of imagery and metaphor are already an issue, I don't suggest using rhyme, as I believe that rhyme gets in the way of the emotions the author is trying to convey. Every word has a rhyme, but not every rhyme is the word that we're trying to say.

You got potential, but room for improvement. Remove the ellipses, use some metaphor, and burn the subtle rhyme are my biggest pieces of advice. I hope this review helped you out, and keep on writing!




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Thu Oct 27, 2016 12:50 pm
ghost223 says...



This is really good. I'd like to hear the entire story though, I feel like there's some gaps, but that's nt a bad thing in this case. I just feel like there's way more to the story. Overall, great job!




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Thu Oct 27, 2016 10:35 am
Manielski wrote a review...



WOW! This is really good!

Your use of rhyming really makes the poem flow and the structure used also really suits the contents. It makes the poem seem more like a letter you're writing to your 'dear friend'.

It's a short piece but it works that way and keeps me engrossed throughout. It makes me wonder what happened and what will happen between you.

Well Done!





“Though lovers be lost, love shall not; And death shall have no dominion.”
— Dylan Thomas