Feedback Wanted!!! Please let me know what you think.
Things Aren’t as Heavy When Someone Helps You Carry Them
I moved a large table by myself
Now my back is broken
The burden of caring for my sick mother has fallen upon my shoulders alone
Now I have no money
I was chosen to take on an army single handedly
Now I am forced to speak a different language
I inherited a debt ridden house
Now I have no place to live
No matter how heavy something is
Things aren’t as heavy when someone helps you carry them
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Oh don't worry. I know this poem is pretty bad right now. This is the first draft. I'll probably need about ten more
. All I wanted to do was get my idea down on paper and see what people thought of it. I think it needs some major adjustments. Thanks for all the advice. When I get more time I will edit it properly.
Thanks again.
I'm just going to get sick one day and die. Lack of punctuation!
The first line is much to long in comparison with the second, and should be then cut into other lines.Punctuation & Poetry It's very nice article.
I like the idea behind it, but the poem it self has no structure. You need to structure it, through syllables and all, otherwise this is sort of...a jumble of lines and phrases.
"The burden of caring
for my sick mother has
fallen on my shoulders
Now I have no money"
See? it's nice and shapely now, each line six syllables. Try doing that with the whole poem, and punctuate it! And it could turn out nicely.
I knew when I read the title that this piece was going to be cliche. It's a nice message, but I agree with mandax; you could definitely be more subtle. I'd like to see some images, some phrases that will draw me in, interest me, but not beat me over the head. Nix the last stanza altogether.
Some puncutation will also help the piece flow more nicely and help the reader understand where to pause or exactly how you want your sentences structured. Keep working!
Colleen
I think you are too blunt with the theme. Some of the points you make are pretty obvious. Try coming up with a certain situation to stick with, maybe? It just seems more like an explanation than a poem, though I like what you're trying to get across.