M.J.
I can’t say goodbye;
You won’t let me say hello
And even though
I can’t let you go,
Your staying is a lie
I’ve said it once,
I’m sorry;
I’ve said it twice,
Forgive me;
But you’ve never said ‘I do’
When I’m ready
I will find you,
But when I do
You’ll leave me,
Just like before and always
Though I know I’ll never say it
I’ll just think it in my head,
If I can’t say hello,
And I won’t say goodbye,
I’ll just think until again
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I think you need a little work on the punctuation of this, to start with. For instance the last line has no full stop, and need a comma before the "again". Some speech makrs or an indication that "until" is thought would be good as well. That helps with the reading of the poem which helps with the overall understanding that the poem conveys.
I also find the sporadic rhyming to be detrimental to the flow and understanding of the poem, it takes away from the general meaning of the poem. So I would taken those parts out.
The subject matter has been done before though I did enjoy the structure of your poem, and it was a different way to read the same information.
That said, I do like it, not a whole lot, but enough for me to think you have some good talent, and I hope you continue writing, because I would like to read more from you.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
Your poem certainly has powerful emotion to it but your word choice and overall format really weighed it down. If you make some of these fixes your poem will really leave a meaningfull mark on reader's minds and possibly hearts. Other than that you really do have a good basis to create some great work. P.S. Your note to M.J. made a good ending.
Generally nice to read, with a good premise, but it does require a bit of fixing up!
Your rhyme is alright, but I found some of the lines repetitive. This could be a lot shorter. Condense your work. Use the least number of words needed to express your ideas. If you don't want it to be short, introduce some more details. I'd like to see you be more specific in this piece. Make it your own. This kind of topic can be dangerously bland if you don't really claim it and shake it into life. What makes your situation with this person unique?
You could also fix your punctuation up, a small thing that would help it flow better. I'd like to see a couple of full stops in here just to break it up. I found there were too many commas and semi colons.