Published June 28, 2014
Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
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130,525 Literary Works • 671,513 Reviews
Yo LH!
~ Eh. This feels unrealistic to me. Mafia bosses are kind of used to having people trying to kill them. It seems highly unlikely that an eleven year old little kid would 1) have the guts to kill a Mafia boss and 2) be able to actually get the job accomplished.Since I was reading this story I thought I'd leave a review, in case I happen to be able to say anything that might be useful to you. I will try to refrain from grammar critiques (even though they're my specialty)
Okay! So, you start off with an interesting storyline. Sister's getting married, brother and dad aren't happy, brother's willing to take drastic measures if necessary. It gives us a sense of mystery and makes us wonder how the meeting is going to go. We're not sure if we should even like the fiance yet or not, and we don't know if we're going to end up liking the brother or not. It raises a lot of good questions you want your readers asking, so well done there.
You should add a bit of explanation if you want to keep it, about how he'd trained for killing the boss and/or how he'd used the cover of youthful innocence to get the job done. Not sure what exactly to recommend, other than I think you should change what you have now. You want your readers to buy into what you're telling us, and right now this isn't working for me.
~ Why was he in the interrogation room when he was ten? I thought he was eleven before he shot anyone? Also, just how old is he now? I'm getting the impression of late teens/early twenties, but you're not really giving us much indicator.
~ If she's fresh out of the academy, then why would she be surprised or frustrated that one of the hardest criminals they were up against beat her? That doesn't make sense. If she's a probie it doesn't seem that they'd give her such an important case.
Also, including a bit more of the interrogation might be good. If they took the trouble of figuring out where he was, then staking out the airport, then bringing him in for questioning, then it would seem that they would have something specific to question him about. As it is it almost seems like pleasantries, her asking what he does for a living and what his father does for a living, rather than questioning him about a specific case. I would include a bit more about the interrogation and make it more focused, so we know why it is that he's drawn their attention. It's kinda lame for him to be pulled into an FBI questioning just because of his reputation. Booooring. Give us a reason.
~ You've got almost an entire paragraph telling us that the Kenzingtons are the smartest criminals there are, yet we've got no evidence. You made a vague comment about Rafael killing another mafia leader (though no explanation of how he did it), and now you keep telling us that their family is brilliant, but you haven't put that into action.
I think it would benefit your story if you included some of her previous frustration, about how she knew it obviously had to be Rafael behind ____ that happened because he did ____ that gave himself away without giving solid evidence to convict him. Right now all I know about Rafael is that he's planning on killing his sister's fiance if he doesn't like him and that he talked his way through an interrogation that I don't know why he's going through. That doesn't show extreme intelligence. You should show us how he's so smart.
....Okay, I review as I read, so after this first paragraph you did much better with showing us a bit into her frustration. I still would work on rewriting/eliminating the paragraph I just complained about, and adding a bit more about former cases. Narrative form probably be good, too, rather than just her dialogue on the matter.
~ Shoooooowwwww meeeeeeee. Beauty standards are about the most subjective thing you can have. Googling "gorgeous women" gives you a lot of pictures of girls in their underwear so I'm not going to recommend that to make my point, but, seriously. You've got gorgeous women of all different hair colors, eye colors, skin colors, fitness levels, and heights.
Describe your gorgeous woman to me or I'm going to stereotype her into bleach blond hair with bright blue eyes, pale skin, inordinately large breasts and hips, wearing a tight red dress that invites the eyes of every man around her to wander where they shouldn't. I'm also going to roll my eyes at you and judge you for your superficial standard of beauty and lack of concern for describing an actually beautiful woman.
Okay, fine, wearing yoga pants-- it still doesn't excuse not knowing what her face looks like~ I'm sorry, I know you don't like having grammar issues pointed out to you (and there are numerous ones in this story that I glossed over-- run on sentences and misplaced commas most commonly), but this is a pet peeve of mine. It's college, not collage. A collage is a collection of pictures; a college is an institution of higher learning (and is also, incidentally, not a proper noun unless you're referring to a specific school, like Brown College, so it's not capitalized).
~ Mm. This also doesn't seem realistic. No one is going to marry a guy without having at least an idea of what he does. You could have her give a pathetic, obviously fake cover, but she should know something. Like, he's a "computer salesman" or something really generic, and have her realize that the facts she'd accepted weren't convincing if you actually think about it-- but yeah. Having absolutely no idea only lasts for like 2 dates, not through engagement.
Wow, that's intense. I liked the conflict. Charged emotion. Lots of drama. I can easily see how people think this is the first chapter of a story. You have a lot of hints into character background that you only revealed a tiny bit of, and then you ended it with a cliffhanger. As I mentioned earlier you have quite a few grammatical errors, but I won't bore you with them. As I said when we were chatting you can easily comb over this with a grammar handbook and get most of them, I think (or ask your favorite reptilian Grammar Nazi to correct them, if it ever becomes necessary
I think that's all I have to say. Feel free to chat me up if you have any questions or complaints about this review.
Keep writing!
~Shady
Heya! Hamsa here to review for Rugido Sol! Happy Review Day
So I'd like to start off by saying that I really enjoyed it! In fact, to be honest, about halfway through I just forgot about reviewing and just enjoyed the story! Nevertheless I found a lot of nitpicks. I'm not going to list them all now, but I suggest you go through a serious rereading because it can be a lttle distracting at times. Here are a few that I spotted :
"Rafael could only recall only three times" - there should only be 1 "only", either one works but you can't keep both.
"walking calmly to Rafael’s seat he had a scruff of a beard, wore a business suit" - there should be a comma in between "seat" and "he", and the comma between "beard" and "wore" should be replaced by "and".
"Rafael waved him off, " - I think this would be better as an independant sentence so you should replace the comma with a full stop.
"everything went as planned of course which usually did" comma after "of course" and "it" in between "which" and "usually".
"but ever since they had many meetings" - comma after "since", and it should be "they had had many".
"Then Mr. Watch had appeared back at Rafael’s side" - I think you can get rid of the "then" at the beginning.
"Looking out the window of his jet, the police had an escort and everything from him." - this sentence doesn't really make sense, you need to add something like "he noticed that" before saying what he saw.
"he knew this room to well and his mind did to" - both "to"s should be "too".
"that time is paid itself back" - "time HAS paid"
"what has happened to Agent Kenzington" - you need a question mark at the end.
"but will BE retiring from the force" - add "be"
"Rafael often thought OF interrogations as checker matches"
"Rafael stood up and moved to the door and left out" - should be more like "Rafael stood up, moved to the door, and left"
I'm going to stop there but like I said, there are quite a few. They're not a big problem but again, just reread.
Another thing that I noticed was that you use quite a lot of repetitions. You say "Rafael" and "said" quite a lot, and I also remember something about a living room. There are a few punctuation issues too but, again, they can be sorted out with a bit of proof reading.
As for plot, I think it was great. I truly enjoyed reading it. Artemis has quite a few good points though. Keep up the good work!
See ya 'round
Hey, I want to start by saying you have an interesting plot and characters. I wanted to read more after your first paragraph, which is a great sign. I do have a couple of things that I've been working on in my writing that I think could help you out here.
. This sentence interests me, as it's an example of both showing and telling. I honestly don't think you need the second phrase, Raised eyebrows is recognize as a way of expressing doubt and wonder. As you do more editing see how many sentences like the second phrase you can change to be more like the first phrase. Sometimes I go overboard with this though, so do remember that's okay to keep what your characters are thinking, even if it's more telling than showing.1. Be careful of thesis statements. These are great in essays but in fiction, they pull your reader out of the story, remind that it's just something you wrote down. Try to describe to us what is happening. If you really want to include a thesis statement, try using it at the end.
An example is your opening sentence: "Rafael Kendrick was not the happiest guy." Instead of telling us this, try describing the surrounding, and then how your character is reacting to said surrounding.
Related to that, you have a lot of exposition at the beginning, which you don't really need. You can reveal your characters past as purpose as the short story unfolds. By telling us all this write and the beginning, you take out of the suspense you can have with this character and plotline. This suspense is your friend, it will keep us enthralled in what's happening.
I'm sure you've heard "Show don't tell," And I've been debating how to best give you some tips as to how you can improve your showing. One I had was that though you're a talented writer it sometimes feels a little dry. There's sometimes of lack of mood or tone for the peice. One way you can fix this is fleshing out some of the scene's description by using the five sentences. Use these senses and imagery to really pull your reader into the story and give them a feel for what it's like to be there.
I'm now going to use this sentence to illustrate another point.
A few grammar nitpicks:
The phrase, " which usually did" feels wrong, is it supposed to be, "Usually it did...? Also, this is a cool and important sentiment, but it's bogged down by extra words. Try reword and see if you can make it clearer and more concise.
Just a reminder that dialogue starts a new paragraph, so "And you would be" should be in it's own paragraph, as should "I'm Agent McClain..." There's a few other times where you need to make this correction...
has paid, I think...
period after looks. And I personally would make it, or late teens...
You need either a comma or a question after Kezington, and if you do a comma then you need a question mark after her, and again with the dialogue starts a new paragraph thing.
Don't forget you always need a punctuation mark inside the quotations at the end of the daligue, probably a comma in this case.
First, should be "too happy" and second, the later phrase needs revising. I Would make it a new sentence and say, "First he called her....then disrupted them"...but it's up to you.
I'm confused here. It sounds like you're saying Agent Mclain won when I'm pretty sure it was Rafael.
At this point I decided not to list all grammar mistakes I found so it wasn't a huge review, but if you would like me to go through and proofread the rest of it, let me know. I will say there are a few run on sentences that need either commas or periods. So as you proofread look for those.
Honestly though, It was engaging writing and an engaging story. And I hear there's going to be a sequal? Excites!
ding ding ding Warlord here for review. Hey you write great .now youve got a awesome serious imagination .The plot is greate ,the mafia , his son ,the murder,sister all seem in the right place . now for the mistakes there are a few.
{{"Rafael could only recall only three times he had to actually kill anyone; the first time was when he was eleven years old; he had killed a rival mafia boss who had picked a fight with the most powerful man in Los Angles. Second only to the mayor himself, then an older man came from the front of the plane walking calmly to Rafael’s seat he had a scruff of a beard, wore a business suit which meant he was on business much like Rafael."}}
now in these lines you said he killed 3 times but you gave only two of them.secondly when you are telling abt the old man entering it should not be included in the same line makes it a little bit fuzzy.
now one thing more ,that one does not simply go into someones house and start shooting. it could have been like jackson entered the room and all three of em would have talked and then rafel find out something that confirmed his suspisions then he'd ask his sister to go to the car to get smthing and when alone he shoots him .
well its just a suggestion you could use it ,i think it could increase the amt of family drama.
well then good luck for your next story.
1st: I only tell two on purpose the third is a plot in a squeal story.
2nd: I believe you skipped the ENTIRE DIALOGUE between Rafael and his sister. Then Rafael and Jackson, if you read these parts it would make more sense. But instead I believe you skipped those parts in a rush to make the review. I'm sorry if I come off as mean or insensitive but I have to call you out on this.
i am just sying that there could have been more talking between jackson and rafael you know something in the starting like how r u not just like i am going to kick your ass like talking .
and if the third murder is a plot then its gonna be awesome.
No, Jackson is supposed to be a sleeze bag and jerkoff he puts on that he's nice and caring. But as far as he cares Rafael was just some person he didn't allow in his house he see's Rafael's sister as property not as a person. Rafael is the Son of Organized Crime and The Son Don, a man who gets things done when they have to be done. A caring brother who will do anything for his sister. Read Jackson's dialogue and Rafael's actions and this would be confirmed.