Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

She sat in a cold iron chair in the center of a dark room. Dark figures hid behind the pillars, oozing odd, smoking gases. Faint cries of agony echoed in her head, bouncing off the walls and attacking her ears. Her numbness slowly, wore off as the little girl came to. As she awoke, a sharp pain emerged throughout her body. Suddenly, she then realized that she was strapped down to the chair; her wrist were bruised and scared. The girl began to panic, breathing heavily, her eyes darting from corner to corner. At the bottom of the steps, where the iron chair stood, a cloaked figure slowly approaches her, a large book in hand. The figure began to recite these syllables , “Fa-mu-ta-ra-ya-ku-ba.” The girl’s vision slowly becomes blurry and she struggles to stay awake. The figure hovers over her, watching her go into oblivion.

Hello there!

Let's get down to business shall we? First, I want to say that i really, REALLY loved reading this. Though the wording of this write could use some work, I really like how you manage to build in a thrilling sense of horror and suspense into it without using obvious words like "scary", "horrifying", etc. I think that your idea is off to a very great start, but like I said before, the wording if off. For me, it was too simplistic and plain. If you are aiming thrill/terrify the reader, then I would suggest that you make it go something like this:

The iron was cool against against her skin as she sat motionlessly in the thick, heavy darkness with clouds of oozing, odd smoke gasses emerging from the dark figures that lurked behind the pillars.

Sorry if that isn't much of a help. I normally don't write horror stories lol. Anyways, Snoink and Bitter already mentioned what it is that I wanted to say to you. I hope you're able to apply these corrections and carry on your with writing. You have a really nice write going here. It'd be a shame to just let it die like this, you know? So keep writing and I'll see you around! -Icewinifredd

Hey there! Bitter here for a review! Let's get started!

I actually really love this. However there were some slight issues, and because this prologue is so short, I'm just gonna go line by line here.

She sat in a cold iron chair in the center of a dark room. (good. strong opening. However, you may want to consider what Snoink wrote and not give so much away in the beginning. This is a matter of personal preference, however, and it could go either way.)
Dark figures hid behind the pillars, oozing odd, smoking gases (more clear and concise).
Faint whispers echoed in her head, bouncing off the walls and attacking her ears. (excellent, good imagery)
Her numbness slowly, painfully wore off as the little girl came to. (this sentence structure is clearer and flows better).
As she awoke, a sharp pain emerged throughout her body. (again, sentence structure was an issue)
Suddenly, she realized that she was strapped down to the chair; her wrist were bruised and scared. (the suddenly is more exciting, keeps the reader in the moment.)
The girl began to panic, breathing heavily, her eyes darting from corner to corner. (good) At the bottom of the steps, (add a comma) where the iron chair stood, a cloaked figure slowly approaches her, (delete with) a large book in hand.
The figure began to recite these syllables, “Fa-mu-ta-ra-ya-ku-ba.” (these are syllables not words).
The girl’s vision slowly starts to become blurry again, and she struggled to stay awake. (you suddenly switched to past tense here. I switched back to present, but its just a personal preference.)
The figure, which she identified as male because of it's strong, masculine voice (clearer), stretched out its hand, reaching towards the little girl. (this structure flows better. Also ended on a period because the semicolon created a run- on).
Unexpectedly, the room emitted a blinding white light, and then everything went dark. (more colorful words add more intrigue and keep the reader hooked).

I hope this helped. I did like the concept, You just need to bone up on your grammar and sentence structure. Good luck with the rest of the book and I will look for the first chapter. Happy writing!
~BitterRosemary

Okay! So, I take it you want to make it creepier? My advice is don't give away everything. The first sentence tells a lot. Probably too much. What if you didn't give away so much in the very beginning and let the details come off slower?

Also, what if you made the style of the prologue more like her actual thoughts? Consider that she is probably out of it: were I in her situation, I would be thinking in confused fragments.

So, I might write something like:

"She couldn't see anything at first. It was too dark and too cold. And she couldn't move. She strained to move, but she couldn't. She was strapped in. Strapped in? To a chair? Yes. She shook her head and strained her eyes, trying to make sense of what was happening. Shadows. She could see shadows. They would come in and out of her vision, dancing as if made of flames. They were not human, and she was afraid."

Blah, blah, blah. You get the point (hopefully). Basically, beyond my poor attempt at writing, you see that I am trying to draw the reader into what is going on. Instead of describing everything that is happening all at once, I am letting it unfold. Instead of relying on my descriptions to get the point across that you should be scared because it sounds like a scary scene, I am making the narrative more disjointed so that you don't know what is going on, and there is more of a fear of the unknown. Also, even though it's third person, the way I just wrote that gives you an insight of the character, because such thoughts might occur to her.

Well... at least they would occur to me.

Anyway, when writing horror, don't give everything away. A lot of horror is less about the scary scene and more about not knowing what is going to happen next.