Phantoms
She lights a match
In fear of fright
Until the dawn
Releases light.
In agony
Of troubled thoughts,
She turns to Mom,
Who cannot help.
Her Dad can't help,
He's in the dusk.
A creaking sound
Makes her heart stop.
There facing her,
The Phantom Man,
Who carries fear
In his faint hands.
She runs away,
And he stays there.
She didn't know
He too was scared.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
I know I'm just repeating what everyone else has said but i like rhyme. Especially since the first stanza rhymes. Its like a shock because you got this rhyme flowing through your head and then you get to the word 'help' and youre just like what the... so I guess Im trying to say that I think it would be better if it either rhymed or didnt.
Also more description would be nice.
Other than that I think it is a very nice and creative poem.
Hi, my name is Jon!
)
I just want to say that the opening stanza of this poem is absolutely wonderful! I loved it! (Now onto the review,
I also saw the ABCB rhyme scheme in the first stanza as well...but then it stopped! Why? It was nice that way, it gave it something extra. Also, it made it nice.
Now, in this stanza you have an ABCD rhyme scheme. I would like to see the ABCB one again...throughout all the stanzas you have. (That'll be the last time I mention it.) Anyway, I don't like what this stanza says. It basically says her mom can't help. I want to see another stanza wedged in between this and the first...describe where she's at. What she feels. What she sees. Etc...
You can do so much more than this! Describe the creak in a stanza to itself! Describe how it makes her feel. Compare it to things! Use everything you can do to make the poem good, better!
Once again, wedge that idea in between this one and the last. (I think this poem would be better if described more and longer, anyway.
The last two stanzas you pick the ABCB Rhyme Scheme up again...so do it for all the rest. (By the way, I did like the last two stanzas!
Anyway, this poem has a nice base to work from. I also liked the message it held...(That would shouldn't be shy, because the person feels the same way.)
Anyway, expand this a bit more.
Jon
Hi. ^^ I'm Hawkie, and it looks like I'll be the first reviewer! It's an honor. ^_^
The first stanza rhymed all the way through, but this one doesn't. I'd change that.
"Help" seems a bit redundant, since you already mentioned it in the previous stanza.
Maybe I shouldn't nit-pick at this since this is a poem, but this is an incomplete sentence. There's no verb.
Overall, I thought this was good. I liked how you kept to one rhythm and didn't shy away from rhyme. (A lot of poets do because they want to sound "serious." Big mistake. Rhyme is one of the oldest tools in the book).
I don't quite get the situation. I mean, who is this Phantom Man? And why is the girl meeting her? And why can't her mom and dad help? =.= I know you can't explain as much - a poem's no place for exposition - but I'm just a bit confused.
Keep writing! Oh, and welcome to YWS.
-Hawks-