"Contained"
Clear pastel scents from
The liquid everything.
Movements to dance the air,
A white pill to make
Forms around spin drowsily.
Blue and white contained
In sterile horizontal stripes.
Clouds eternal to play,
A slashed bit of plastic
Oozes out the sky.
Hurried stitches fix it.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thank you! This makes me feel so much better.
Roon, thanks for your compliments, it made me feel so good about myself. And I will definitely let you know if I post anything else.
Evi, thanks for your suggestions. Now I see I did probably take too much poetic license rearranging the parts of speech. So thanks, I will definitely make changes.
And the poem is about humans simplifying the world, trying to contain it, like we contain colors in stripes. People feel overwhelmed by the free chaos of the real world, so they try to live in sterility and order instead of true freedom. That's not exactly what I want to say, which is why I put it as a poem. Everything is easier to describe in a poem.
And now that you said that, I do realize it needs to have a common thread. Especially sense describing a white pill as liquid/free is a bit counterintuitive in this poem, considering it is a human invention.
Thanks!
Only one question. When I make my changes, what should I do with the edited poem. Edit it above? Post the new version? Or would it be too annoying to do that? I don't really know how that works around here.
Hey Kinera! Welcome to YWS. ^^
Alright, so. I was actually very impressed. I can't exactly put a finger on your meaning, but you've got some great images in here with a really nice variety of word choices. I'm not going to make this a long critique, because I don't think you need it. Basically, I have one suggestion. Two, actually.
1.) While you've pulled off some great imagery, the poem is kind of all over the place. I
m really loving the pictures you're painting, but there's really no cohesiveness about the images. You have clouds, liquid everything, pastels, stitches-- where's the common theme here? I think the poem could be so much stronger if you found one idea and ran with it, instead. Because right now I really don't know what the poem as a whole is about. I can make out certain lines here and there, but there's no big picture. Ya? ^_^
2.) I find some of your subject/verb agreement to be off. Or, really, just wording. You're kind of changing the parts of speech, if that makes any sense. For example:
Do you mean the liquid of everything? The liquid in everything? Or, do you mean everything in it's liquid form (liquid everything) which would mean you scrapping the 'the'.
To dance in the air, maybe? Or, even better, to dance with the air. But actually, I like this line how it is. So there's no necessary change here.
Maybe, spin around drowsily? This doesn't make so much sense. It rolls of the tongue nicely, yes, but I don't see how this computes with the English language.
~Evi
This is fantastic! I really like this. It’s powerful and the imagery you use is perfect. My favourite line is Clouds eternal to play,
It's a great line! It fits so well.
I really like this, if you post anything else please let me know! There’s not really much wrong with this, I don’t really see what I can say is bad, sorry this is such a bad review, just thought I’d let you know I thought it was great, as in the welcome forum you said you hadn’t felt as though you would live up to everyone else, nonsense, this is amazing!
Thank you for the opportunity to read this!
~ Roon