A small girl
is hurting on the inside
A small girl
Is full of pain
A small girl
is searching for hope,
That can’t be found
No hope comes her way,
Because of pain
A small girl
is full of this sorrow and pain,
but wants it to go away
A small girl
Is covered in dark clouds
As the light flickers out
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140,218 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
Kimmy! Vegas! Yay! You wrote a poem together and it was great! I'm just here to review it
Several times throughout the poem, you capitalized the second part of a phrase, like,
but other times, you kept it lowercase, like,
I support whatever stylistic choice you make, but try and keep one consistent.
Try changing the 'but' to an 'and'. I mean, there are very few people who would find this a surprise, that the girl wanted the 'sorrow and pain' to go away.
Kimmy and Vegas, creator and member of the Depression Club. Oh goodness. I write poems like this all the time, really dark and depressed, but when I see someone else's, I automatically feel this urge to comfort them. Either of you, just shoot me a PM if you ever need to talk. Ever. This was really moving, you both keep writing poetry, okay? This was great
Saru
Hey, if it is okay with you I am going to post the poem on my account too. But, I am going to format is and edit it a little more. The reason being is I feel like there could have been more to it, so I want to edit it. So, I was just wondering if I could publish it on my account and write at the bottom -
Original Author- Your name
Co-Author- My name
So people will know that you originally created it, but I expanded it a little more. In other words, I am going to make it complicated, but in a way we call can understand. Like how this is simple and really meaningful, I am going to complicate even more and use bigger words. So, if it is okay with you I would like to publish it on my account and do what I said with the author thing, meaning I will make sure that you get your credit.
ya
I really like this poem, and to be perfectly honest it really sounds like me, which is probably why I like it. I think the poem flows well, and you use a very powerful analogy at the end. A suggestion would be to replace "pain" with something else to make it flow better. A thesaurus is extremely helpful. "Pain" is used just too often but can easily be replaced. Other than that, I loved the poem!
Hey, if it is okay with you I am going to post the poem on my account too. But, I am going to format is and edit it a little more. The reason being is I feel like there could have been more to it, so I want to edit it. So, I was just wondering if I could publish it on my account and write at the bottom -
Original Author- Your name
Co-Author- My name
So people will know that you originally created it, but I expanded it a little more. In other words, I am going to make it complicated, but in a way we call can understand. Like how this is simple, I am going to complicate even more and use bigger words. So, if it is okay with you I would like to publish it on my account and do what I said with the author thing, meaning I will make sure that you get your credit.
Hey kimmycat and steam1244, it's Queenie here for a review. I like this poem because it is a good description of someone struggling to live. I also think that the repetition of "a small girl" is a nice touch because it adds more emphasis to the poem. Now for the critiques, I think that to take this poem to the next level, you need to explain why she is full of pain, why she is losing her will to live. Also, you may want to have the same amount of lines between each "a small girl" lines to help with the flow. I hope you find this information helpful, and all in all, I think that this is a good poem there are just a few things that could make it a little better. So, bye for now, and I look forward to reading your future works.
Hey Kimmy!
I like the feel of this. The way you keep using "A small girl" reminds me a lot of Arya Stark from Game of Thrones, which has a bit of a soft spot in my heart. ANYWAYS!
This poem was short, but it got me feeling for the girl. I wanted to help her, and I was deeply concerned for her in the last three lines. The vague ending in those three lines following after "wants it to go away" is actually quite powerful. It's letting the reader decide what happens to the girl. Overall, I love this.
However, there are a few things I would look out for, and those are just small grammar nitpicks. Namely the use of capital letters at the beginning of each line. Some of the "Is" lines following the "A small girl" lines have been capitalized and others haven't. There's a few other lines in the middle:
"That can’t be found
No hope comes her way,
Because of pain"
I'm not sure, maybe you intended to have inconsistencies with capitalization, but it was just a small observation that had me wondering at the end if it was intended or not. Either way, I greatly enjoyed this, and would encourage you to keep writing more.
-Connor
I originally did this on docs and sometimes it would caps it and sometimes it would not. I will remember to check that in the future!
Kimmy