Published December 26, 2007
The morn in it’s glory set the scene for action
Blooming lilies shoutin’ roll
Kisses of dandelions tickle
softly
Tears of joy trickle
Off my chin
A new day to worship my King.
Rivers sparkle late afternoon as a setting sun waves away
Early stars are hollering “The Jolly” and bye bye to day
The breeze stirs
Good nigh’
Stars, tucked into the roof
of dark sing
A new night to worship my King
Hallelujah!
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141,433 Literary Works • 674,412 Reviews
Yeah, OK. That's nice.
As a reader, however, my first reaction is - so what?
There are three things that would help improve this piece.
1. Punctuation. As I said in my critique of your other poem, it really does help the reader get a sense of things if you include punctuation in your poetry.
2. Er. There are a few niggly bits that it's hard to describe. The use of an apostrophe to end words reacts badly on my nerves, LOL. Beyond that, though, I think you need to work on the flow. The line breaks seem jerky and kind of interrupt things, you know?
3. It feels...a bit shallow, somehow. There's nothing here that tells me what you, specifically, feel or see - it's all idealised mornings and generic evenings. Why don't you try focusing on the personal? What does it feel like, to worship God? What is your real, private experience when you look at the sunrise, or the sunset? Try going deeper, maybe.
I will say that you have some lovely metaphors here (I especially liked the stars in the roof of night idea) - I just feel they could be better structured to give the poem more purpose and insight. It might work better as a song, come to think of it...
Cheers,
~bubbles