thanks again angel, i am glad you are liking it. and thanks so much for your helpful comments. again i will go back and make some changes.
kim
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Something Out There
Chapter two
“I can’t believe it hurts like this Bri” Seth whispered as he looked into her face. A face so familiar to him, he loved her light brown eyes, rimmed with copper. Her face seemed to always radiate gentleness. “Bri, why are you here with me? In my shame I am running, I am trying to find the truth, its not there Bri.’ His reply was so quiet she had to bend further to hear his words. She wiped a tear as she said.” Seth, I do not understand why Christian was taken from you, I do know that it was not your doing.” What would she be going through right now if she lost her own charge, Anna? Bri shuddered; she could not bear the thought of even thinking it. She loved Anna with such fierceness that she could not blame Seth.
Bri knew it wasn’t safe for her or Seth to stay here. She could sense they were being watched. She could smell the sulfur in the air. It was faint, but enough of it lingered, telling her the demons had been here. This was definitely not safe. She had to get him elsewhere. They needed to form a plan, anything to get Seth going again. She had never seen him like this, and it bothered her. . This was not something she could do alone. Together they were a stronger team. While helping him up, she thought of a place they could go. Yes, it would be safe. Not completely, but safer then here in the open.
Aronn silently moved in closer to Bri and Seth. He was getting suspicious. The legion of demons that occupied this small city of White Rapids were more like annoying flies, compared to the many wars he had fought in.. If you swatted them, they would flee. It would be more like going into battle with a fly swatter than a sword. He grinned at the thought. Then he realized the danger was not coming from the legion of demons who occupied White Rapids. The thought sent a shiver through out his whole body.
Much to Bri’s relief, they had made it to the entrance of the cave. This will be safe for now. It was out of the way and hidden behind a thick foliage of overgrown bushes. She turned her focus to Seth. There appeared to be little life left in him. He needed rest badly. “Seth? “ Her voice soft as she spoke, “you can rest here, I need to get back to Anna, I will return in the morning. Will you stay here until I get back?” Seth heavily sat down on the rough stone, his voice weary. “Yes Bri I will be here when you return, I have nowhere else to go.” He leaned back and let his head rest on the cold wall behind him. He closed his eyes, “Bri, go, you need to be with your charge, Anna. Thank you for being here for me.” Bri quietly walked out, as she sent up a plea to her Father for help.
Aronn had followed Bri and Seth; he watched them enter the cave. He was now on the ground close to the entrance, he softly stepped behind the bushes, trying to keep the leaves from breaking and making a sound. Aronn could hear their voices clearer now. He didn’t like being this low, but the trees were not tall enough to hide him .He watched as Bri stepped out: she was looking up towards the heavens as tears poured down her face, pleading for help. Aronn’s face softened. He suppressed the urge to show himself, to let Bri know she was not alone, that their Father was aware of Seth’s plight.
Aronn watched as Bri headed out of the park, knowing she was going to her charge. He felt an urgency to leave also, he needed to meet with his captain so he could be briefed on the information he had gathered. While contemplating what to do, Aronn did not notice the black form crawling on all fours, moving towards the entrance of the cave. It moved along the ground, almost on its belly. The demon scanned the area with eyes full of hatred; it was looking for a light source that would give away the presence of an enemy. It found none, and boldy entered the cave.
Seth waited; he could smell the demon enter. Pushing his grief aside he allowed anger to take hold. Seth was ready for a fight. He had no fear of them, none of the angels did. These creatures were the lowest of life. They needed to be eliminated but never feared. Seth did not move, he would make the demon come to him. He could now hear the scratching of nails on the rock surface, and heavy labored breathing. Seth almost gagged as the stench filled the air. The demon was close. “Seth! “ The demon yelled, with a rasping, wheezy voice. “I know you are here, you hide as a mouse does.” Seth stayed silent. The taunts were not affecting him. The demon now moved into view, crawling up to Seth and put, his face inches from the angel. Still Seth did not move. He locked eyes with the demon and glared. Holding his anger back, he allowed the demon to speak its business.
The smell caught Aronn’s attention; he looked around for its location. He knew one was here; a sickness filled his stomach as he realized it had made it past him and into the cave with Seth. He moved to the entrance without touching ground and slowly entered. Inside the cave he could hear the demon yell Seth’s name. “Oh great!” he said to himself. Seth could not possibly defend himself, a guardian does not carry a weapon, and as beaten down as he is he was definitely an easy target. Aronn was angry; he would have to show his presence. To do that would mean he had failed.
He moved to a position where he could see both Seth and the demon. As he started to take his cloak off and draw his sword, a gentle whisper came to him. “No Aronn, do not prepare for battle, stay hidden as you were told. Seth must pass this test.” Aronn could not see from whom the whisper came, but he could feel His presence. It filled him with a peace and calmness, and warmed him from the inside out. Aronn put his cloak back on, leaned against the stone wall and sighed.
thanks again angel, i am glad you are liking it. and thanks so much for your helpful comments. again i will go back and make some changes.
kim
I starting to really like this story, this chapter makes me want to read the next chapter. Kim your so talented for a first time writer, your descriptions are really good.
Kim wrote:
“I can’t believe it hurts like this Bri” Seth whispered as he looked into her face. A face so familiar to him, he loved her light brown eyes, rimmed with copper.
This chapter really held my attention. I am not sure where you are going with this, but I am anxious to keep reading. I am drawn to Aaaron's character, you have a way of making him seem real. It is cool the way he is a true warrior in wanting to fight the demons. I like that in a story. Keep going with this, you are doing a great job.
again with the same comments i have left re. ch one, i noticed you had more chapters posted, so i decided to see where the story takes me. this one is good, but lacks the excitement of ch 1. still a good job tho
lysolstinks
Hi!
This is great - it doesn't have as much as an impact as your first chapter, but that's not really a bad thing. I can't find any mistakes that haven't already been pointed out and they're mostly grammatical ones anyway, so you've done really well. I like it, I want more NOW, but that's because I'm greedy. You are a really good writer - keep it up!
Bkwrm
sorry, got cut off midpost, where was i?
[/quote]His anger now coming to the surface
get rid of "to do"this is awkward. try "his anger began to boil within his veins" or something like that.
Seth did not move [,] he would make it come to him
ok plot concern: wasn't seth pitifully mourning his charge's death a minute ago? the transition between mourning and attacking may be too quick
also: stop saying "they, it, and one" so much in the 3nd and 2nd to last paragraph. nouns are your friend. pronouns are alright sometimes, but don't overdo them.you don't need mere.it crawled up to Seth and put its face mere inches from the angel.glared? try and find a better word. i can visualize what you're talking about, and its stronger than glared.He locked eyes with the demon and glaredi could be wrong, but is worriedly an actual word?he worriedly looked around
He moved to the entrance [slowly] without touching ground, and slowly entered. (get rid of everything past the comma)
Now inside the cave (you don't need now)no comma.as beaten down as he is, he was definitely an easy targetyou don't need now here either. and try "doing that would mean failure" instead.he would now have to show his presence. To do that would mean he had failedyou don't need visually, its implied.He moved to a position where he could visually see both Seth and the demon.do not prepare for battle, stay hidden as you were told to do
im back
here we go:
did you mean where the trees were not tall enough to hide him? he's trying to not be seen right?He didn’t like being this low, but the trees were not tall enough to hide him
that sounds a bit awkward too. instead of "as she sent" try "sending a plea". no comma also.as she sent up a plea to her Father for help
Hey again! Once again, Kim hits the spot and beautifully writes this. It is fantastic! I cannot believe that you are this great of an author. No other mistakes that I see that xhal hasn't already said.
Great job! Keep writing, Kim!
BBB
Hi I didn't get a chance to read the entire chapter (im in class and its ending) but i'll come back and read/crit more later.
this is a bit awkward, try rephrasing it.Then he realized the danger was not coming from the legion of demons who occupied White Rapids
you can get rid of "Anna", since you stated already that Bri is going back to Anna.you need to be with your charge, Anna
get rid of "had"Aronn had followed
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