Published October 21, 2007
Something Out There
Chapter One
The night air was crisp as was the ground under Seth’s footsteps. Fall finally made its entrance with the trees letting go of their leaves as if they knew the leaves were no longer needed for beauty. Seth loved this time of year. It was one of the few times his footsteps made a sound as he walked and tonight he purposely let his feet touch ground, just so he could hear the leaves crackle under his steps.
Seth’s mind was in turmoil, he needed to get this figured out but he could not grasp the reason why. He ran his fingers through his long, golden hair, what was it? There is always a purpose, ALWAYS! Why was this one kept from him? He continued to walk slowly as he willed his mind to match his footsteps, but his mind would not slow to the pace.
How could he exist without his charge? This child who was given to him to protect from the moment he entered his mother’s womb. Seth steadfastly guarded Christian who now celebrated his tenth birthday. He loved this boy with everything in him. His boy had a way of melting his heart by just being in the same room with him. He also knew Christian was different from other children his age; it was something Seth kept to himself. He shut his eyes tight, unable to control the tears now trickling down his face.
Seth did not see the black, boney arm with long, pointed fingernails striking out making him fall to the ground. As he lay in a heap, the demon crawled away with a sneer leaving a sulfuric mist in the air. Seth stayed where he fell unable to find the energy to get up, neither did he have the will. All he could feel right now was sadness so deep, it cut through his soul. Only one other time did he feel this way and it was two thousand years ago, this feeling of helplessness was not something Seth was accustomed to.
The park was full of trees; it gave Seth the feeling of being in a forest and not in the center of the city. It was full of small animals, and it was Christian’s favorite place to be. Christian loved feeding the squirrels and other small animals. “Stop it!” Seth screamed in his mind, trying to keep the memories from surfacing. “This is not going to get you answers.”
Aronn floated barely above the top of the tree line, just enough to keep hidden. His massive wings tucked in so the light would not give away his presence. The darkness of night helped to shroud his large form. His green eyes stood out against his black hair. He was unaware of his beauty, but not his strength. He wrapped his cloak tighter around himself as he watched Seth; he was trying to understand the emotions Seth was emanating. It confused him. Where was Seth’s strength? He looked pitiful just lying there! It filled him with disgust.
Aronn could see the demon following Seth, it would take but a blink of an eye to end its disgusting existence, but he could not draw his sword to send it back to the depths. If he did it would give away his presence. This small of a demon was not worth showing himself. Not yet anyway. Aronn hovered motionless for what seemed like eternity, not moving even an inch, observing the entire park. His job at this moment was to keep an eye on Seth. He would rather be anywhere but here. His passion was going into battle, which was what he was designed to do, not being a babysitter for a guardian, and a pathetic one at that. But he would stay and follow orders.
Seth was still lying there; the only thing moving was his robe in the wind. Aronn was getting extremely annoyed by this, when suddenly something else moved in the dark. It was about ten feet from Seth. He knew it was not one of his kind by the way it crawled along the edge of the bushes. This demon was larger than the one he had seen trailing Seth earlier. Why would they be interested in Seth? This did not make sense, one this size did not waste its time on anything but countries and nations, not parks and definitely not guardians.
Aronn drew his sword, something did not feel right. Does he stay in place or show himself. His orders were to protect Seth but to do it without being seen. His skin crawled as the demon moved beneath him, it didn’t look up; its red eyes focused only on Seth. It watched Seth silently, unaware it had been seen. Its mouth spread in an uneven grin. Aronn did not move, his eyes going back and forth from the demon to Seth. The demon was not moving, and Aronn was sensing a change in its behavior with the breathing becoming heavier and filling the air with a stench. Its eyes are now darting back and forth. The grin had left. It was looking for an escape. It sensed another presence but could not locate it.
Aronn scanned the park; something was making this demon nervous. He knew it could only be one thing. Anger welled up in him, who was being so careless! The light caught both Aronn and the demon’s eyes simultaneously. The demon moved with the speed which did not match its enormous gnarled body. It took flight with thin, black wings. Three sets of large claws extending as fingers from each vein running the length of the wing. It vanished. Aronn laughed to himself, if only the demon knew it ran from a guardian, and a gentle one at that. Aronn sheathed his sword and watched as an angel quietly approached Seth. She bent down and placed her hand gently on his head, “Seth get up” Bri whispered. “You can not stay here, it is not safe!”
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139,521 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
thank you mischiefmaker for taking the time to read my chapter and comment. i am glad you liked it. i am now up to chapter 11
kim
Hm, this feels good to read. I liked how you structured it and you put a lot of thought into how you could improve it; that's real good!
I kinda like the whole religion aspect - myself not truly belonging to any religious group - and I think you have a real understanding on how to make the story feel right so that in some way, it fits the user.
Good work,
Mischief x
that is ok Aero, really. i have learned alot more with these posts. lol. and can see my mistakes. thanks for your comments. i really do appreciate them.
Just to be clear, I did not mean to insult Kim. I was trying to be as honest as possible and give Kim a clear picture of what was going through my head as I was reading. But I probably should've toned down the negativity. I do think Kim has potential just like any writer who is willing to give it their best shot and continue to work at it. I apologize if my remarks caused any harm. I did not intend them to do so.
I have read this chapter when it was first posted. I had to come back and reread it, due to the controversy it seems to have created. Which is a good thing. There are many different idea's , and all of them work. Kim can change this, but honestly will everyone be happy with it.
I agree with all of the arguments, I personally dont agree with the way Aero first posted his comments. They were very helpful but also very mean and demeaning. If he was to take out the mean comments, then his words would have a greater effect to them.
I think it is great to see controversy. Kim yes you have alot of work a head of you. But realize you are just starting out and will learn with time.
I am liking your novel more and more with each chapter.
Keep up the good work.
lysolstinks
thanks , snoink aero and angel, your conversations are actually helping me out. i am going to rewrite the first chapter, i can see all three of your points.
kim
Wonderful idea, use the scenery to portray the emotion inside him. That works very well if written correctly.
Referring to the confusion, yes the reader is supposed to understand how Seth feels. But if the reader feels confused because there is way too many questions presented at once and a poorly presented paragraph then you lose any connection you had with the reader.
Actually I like description of sceenary, I mean its the detail that really capture the reader into relating with the character. The line
The night air was crisp as was the ground under Seth’s footsteps. Fall finally made its entrance with the trees letting go of their leaves as if they knew the leaves were no longer needed for beauty.
That is good, its just the bit tat follows that isnt. If his mind is in so much turmoil, shouldnt he be trying to think of other things in the beggining? Maybe you should use the sceenary to capture the emotions going inside of him, and use the sceenary to protray those ideas would help to bring the reader into the story. I think that might solve aero's comment. As for the second paragraph, yeah a little bit more explanation would be good, but authors do usually use a lot of those questions to show that idea of confusion, even though its a confusing paragraph, you're supposed to understand how Seth is feeling: confused right?
Hehe, fun argument! Let's move it somewhere else and let this place be for her comments.
post271077.html#271077
Scenery has its purpose, Snoink. But scenery does not define character and understanding the character's love for autumn I don't believe was the purpose of this story and certainly didn't add to it, at least in my opinion.
As Henry James states, "What is character but the determination of incident? And what is incident but the illumination of character?" In laymans terms: events in a story are specifically designed to bring out the truth about the characters so that we, the audience can transcend our ordinary lives and achieve a connection between the character and ourselves.
The first chapter of any novel is crucial to hooking the reader and gaining this connection through events. My cup of tea is that anything in that first chapter that is not making this happen should be tossed out.
For example: my story may be about a murder and in the first chapter my protagonist discovers the murder. My protagonist also loves winter. Am I going to tell how my protagonist loves winter and establish a happy tone in the first paragraph and then go to him coming home in the next paragraph and finding his wife dead, straight to a negative and mysterious tone? No. It's not logical, at least to me. It's not helping establish that connection at all. It's not my 'cup of tea.'
Anyway, that's just me.
Actually, I have to disagree with aeroman, for the first paragraph anyway. I think that, too often writers don't put any scenery in at all, just because they want action all the time, but I like scenery. He loves it... so why can't the author describe it? A character is deep, not because of how many horrible things have happened to him, but rather because, no matter what has happened to him, he can still love. So it ends up being beneficial for him loving something.
So I would keep the first paragraph. It's probably not aeroman's cup of tea, but it isn't bad.
Just my two cents.
Nobody expects you to be perfect. That's why we critique your work
aero thanks for atleast reading the first two, it is my very first time writing, cant be perfect, i am on here to learn, sorry you couldnt finish it. oh well, just writing right now for the joy of writing.
kim
This first paragraph doesn't feel right. Something is wrong with that second sentence. It's the tense. It should be 'Fall had finally...' if you keep it in present tense then it sounds as if right there, then, fall came. Which, I'm assuming isn't what you're saying. And after that third sentence I wouldn't end it with a period, use a semi-colon. Those two clauses are very similar and a period is too strong in my opinion. Other than that stuff... I don't like the paragraph at all. It's awful.
The reason: tone. Your first paragraph portrays Seth as this happy, go-lucky guy that loves autumn. Your second paragraph throws the whole thing off by saying his mind is in turmoil and shoves us into this new paradigm where Seth is trying to sort some problem out in his mind.
On top of that, your first paragraph is pointless. It's useless. You didn't even give us a setting. You told us Seth is walking and that he loves the fall. How does that help your story at all? Whenever you write something there needs to be a purpose to it.
You should get rid of the whole first paragraph and just make your second paragraph your beginning.
Now, about your second paragraph. It's also not very good. It feels like you're forcing everything into this great height of exclamation! WHY, WHY, WHY!?!? That's what it feels like when I read it. You need to tone it down. Also you've put like four questions in there that all need answering which immediately sets me into confusion and I need to go back and reread it just to make sure I caught each question because each question you set up says something about the character. I will portray what goes through my mind as I read your second paragraph.
Character: he needed to get this figured out but he could not grasp the reason why
Me: what does he need to figure out and why does he wonder why he needs to figure out (that's confusing)
Character: He ran his fingers through his long, golden hair
Me: Long, golden hair? Sounds like rapunzel. Get rid of that description.
Character: what was it?
Me: What was what?
Character: There is always a purpose, ALWAYS! Why was this one kept from him?
Me: Always a purpose for what? Is he always told the purpose of this 'thing', whatever it may be?
Character: He continued to walk slowly as he willed his mind to match his footsteps, but his mind would not slow to the pace.
Me: What a ridiculous sentence. Why is he trying to will his mind to match his footsteps. And why am I being told this? I want to know the answers to my other five billion questions, screw him trying to synchronize his mind and footsteps.
The reason I showed these responses was to show what may go through a reader's mind. Hopefully you can see that you've presented far too many questions in one paragraph. You need to spread them out over the narrative so it's not too much at once.
As you can hopefully see your first two paragraphs are disconcerting at best and need a lot of work. I've stopped reading because I generally only read the first 2-3 paragraphs of a narrative to decide whether I'm going to continue reading it. A publisher probably will not even give you that. Good luck with your writing.
-aero
O ops i read the 1st draft of chapter One. I like how you developed it more, intersting way how to introduce so many characters within one chapter. Why is there a larger gap in the middle? Im going to read the next few.
xxFlora
A friend told me to check this story out. WOW what an interesting story, I look forward to reading the rest of the chapters, I can see it has alaready been critiqued so I will move on to the next chapter. I just want say your style of writing is very good for a first time writer. Kudos.
Hummingbird
This is well written as far as the story line, there are a few grammar errors, but i see they have already been brought to your attention. although i am not into this stuff you are writing about, i did like the story tho.
good job.
lysolstinks
Overall, it is very good. The only thing I wasn't crazy about was the sudden mentioning that he was in turmoil. In the first paragraph, it seems he is very glad. In the second paragraph, it is suddenly revealed this is not the case. But that's just my opinion.
Your Story was sooo good!! Wow thats the only word i can think of right now!! Very very gooD!!
(Does this belong in fantasy?)
Okay. Unlike everybody else, I wasn't partial to this piece. I found the description awkward and the internal dialogue confusing. The beginning portion - which concentrates on Seth - should be longer. You should also heighten the tension before introducing the demon. Let your story play out. Don't force it in a certain direction. Chracters always come before story; so spend some more time describing Seth's feelings.
"Aronn"
Fall finally made its entrance with the trees letting go of their leaves as if they knew the leaves were no longer needed for beauty
It was one of the few times his footsteps made a sound as he walked and tonight he purposely let his feet touch ground, just so he could hear the leaves crackle under his steps.
There is always a purpose, ALWAYS!
Seth did not see the black, boney arm with long, pointed fingernails striking out making him fall to the ground.
She bent down and placed her hand gently on his head, “Seth get up” Bri whispered. “You can not stay here, it is not safe!”
thank you for commenting. my word program keeps changing it to one of his ( kinds). i prefer (kind) also. it make me wonder if the program is always correct.
i took your advice and changed it,
It's great - I was hooked immediately and also very intrigued. I desperately want to know what happens next, which is a testament to your skills as a writer. One thing;
Should it be 'not one of his kind'?
Well done - it's great!
Bkwrm
It's great - I was hooked immediately and now I'm intrigued. I desperately wnat to know what happens next, which is a testament to your skills as a writer. One thing;
[quote]
Dude, this is awesome!
Other than the little grammar things (That I suffer with too, terribly), sounds awesome! Please pm me when you post the next chapter!
very good
i look forward to reading the following chapters
you have a double negative; i suggest fixing that. apart from that i thought this was a great way to introduce a novel.one thing tho:
I think it is amazing :]
Keep up the good work ;D
Cant wait till the second chapter comes out!
I'm excited to see what will happen next <3
love you
Oh my gosh! This so cool! It grabbed me from the start! Totally mysterious. I couldn't find anything wrong with it. I just loved it! lol
There was only some parts that still don't make very much since and I'll show you:
when suddenly something else moved in the dark. It was about ten feet from Seth. He knew it was not one of his kinds by the way it crawled along the edge of the bushes. It was larger than the one he had seen trailing Seth earlier and much larger.
Was that the demon that you were talking about earlier? If it was then it is my fault for not relizing it, but otherwise this story in fantastic! I love it and I hope that other people will realize how great of an author you have become!
Always,
BBB