Young Writers Society

i loved this, its probably one of my favorite's i've read so far.

I really like the idea behind it, although you are making a generalization... everyone isn't like that. Just the scene/emo kids... haha. Take me for example! I go to school in such a mess it is as though I only rolled out of bed and left the house. (I'm better than that. XD I brush my teeth too!)

I think the one thing about this poem I don't like is that it is only telling, and there isn't really any imagery or poetic devices in it. It just has a statement to make, but because it isn't written in a powerful way, it doesn't leave a powerful impact on me. I'm not sure how you could improve that, though...

This is a very solid poem. no catchy rymes. I personally don't like the ryming as much. I do like the subject matter you chose to write on. It is very unique and so true of today.
I also wouldn't change anything. You give a very powerful message.
I have been following your work, and you always seem to have a positive message.
Very well done.

Carl

I know lots of people like that, and I think the poem really captures that kind of feeling. I love how by describing the girl, it is showing how giving her attention is what most people do, so it's clever in that sense. I wasn't sure about the flow of it, but I tend to prefer a poem with a more structured rhyme scheme, so I think that is just my bias. Over all I think it is really good, and, as much as I risk sounding pompous since this is my first critique: keep it up.

Wow, this is very powerful.
And so, so true. You really hit hard with this poem.
I actually think was very poetic. I think good poetry should be full of feeling, and what is this but full of emotion? The 'look at me' lines were excellent and I don't think you should change this one bit.
I can tell that you really thought about this. Great job!
-Ayra

Thank you for commenting, i will go back and make some changes.

kim

Kim wrote:Her shoes are expensive,
And match a belt wrapped around her waist.

Kim wrote:Giving the illusion they are wide open.

Kim wrote:She is our generation.

You know when i was reading this poem from like the new poems section, i was reading it and thinking hmmn, i was just thinking about this issue recently and then i scrolled up and it and it was ur poem, cuz i've been reading ur poems lately.

Anways yeah i like the way u address the issue about the 'plastics' these days which is like all skin deep int he media about beauty and things. Its really true becuase it is our generation which is like that.

She screams out, look at me!- that line does suggest vanity but i think its a bit like her soul is screaming out like look but not look outside and actually look inside of her to see what she is really is about, even through at the same time she is only caring about the beauty side of things at the same time there may be something more.

"She is surrounded by popular people.
All dressed as clones. "

Yeah i like the way she seems like the 'queen bee' and the way u made it seem even through she laughs and others do and she is surrounded by people but is actually alone in itself which is true.

Overall i think its a strong poem which kind of shows the idea that is so evident in our generation.

Wow. This is good. It's true, I love the way you wrote it, the reader can see the girl, it is not obvious at all and I am so greatful that you said, what I've been thinking for the last couple of days!!
Wow. I don't know what to say, but very well done!
Keep it up
~Kalli

This is good and hard-hitting; you've really captured what people are like today. I always say this to people because it's true; everyone nowadays revolves around their image and they don't stop and think about what's going on in the inside.

I have to say though Kim, I didn't actually find this very poetic. I mean, you've got some good imagery, but I think the flow and the structure could be a little better so that it seems more like a poem and less like a descriptive piece.

I found one small spelling mistake but apart from that, your proofreading is top notch. "Illusion" instead of "Allusion".

Good work with some really good foundations, but I think if you made it that little bit more poetic, you could have something really good on your hands.

GingerLove

I really liked this.... but I think you could have expanded this a little more. (But then again that's just me.) I liked this alot!!!! Hope this helps.

-Max

I'm so bad at critiquing poetry because with poetry there really are no rules. So I'm going to say that this poem was sort of...un-poetic lol. I love the idea, but it seems like it's mostly just a description of the girl. If you're going to describe, talk about more than just her clothes and her hair. Talk about her soul, her hobbies, who she is. I don't know if I can explain it any better...

I love the last five lines or so. Beautiful. and so true.

This truly does hit todays generation of not just girls but guys also. I know of some who cut to ease the pain. Some of my own friends do this. This poem is sad but accurate. Thanks for writing it.

hummingbird

thanks bear, the belts are no longer worn to hold our jeans up, they are now worn around the outside of the shirts. lol.
and i agree on the sea one * no title will be mentioned here*

thanks for your comments.

kim

Wow. That's really powerful. It really reflects our generation. I REALLY like how you did this:

"Look at me, her body says."

&

"She screams out, look at me!"

Because it really shows the girl's vanity. I really liked it.

All in all, this a really good improvement from that sailing one. lol, I can't remember what it's called though.

I liked it! Keep up!

Wait lol I forgot to say this:

"Her shoes are expensive,
And match a belt wrapped around her waist."

And match a belt wrapped around her waist didn't make very much sense.

Other than that, this is REALLY good!

Keep it up!

BBB