Published August 17, 2011
What if I ran away?
Never looked back
and kept running, until
I was out of breath.
What if I died today?
Fell on the ground,
never lived at all,
just to die suddenly.
What if I tried to stay?
Held on a bit longer
convincing myself
'You were here for me.'
What if you cared?
Smiled at my happiness,
frowned at my sadness,
cried at my funeral...
I may never know the what-if's my life held,
but it's better than knowing you were a lie.
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138,383 Literary Works • 672,113 Reviews
Hi there!
If you read through this stanza again, it sounds better without the word 'forward'. It's just a tiny change, but I definitely think it sounds better.
The line where you said 'never live at all' is a little confusing to me. Are you talking about how you lived your life before you died? Because you're asking what if I died today, but then you wrote about living.
Overall this is really good! *Hits like button* You did a good job adding emotion to this poem. It flowed well and I couldn't find any mistakes. Great job! Keep writing!
I like it. On to the nitpicking!
In the first stanza, you say "Run forever, Until..." It seems if you ran forever, there would be no until. It's kinda contradicting. But that's just my opinion. Also, I felt the last line of the second stanza didn't have as much flow as the rest of the poem, but again, that's my opinion.
I do like the poem a lot. It's melancholy, fast-paced, and deep. Keep up the good work.
-tgirly
This Is Just Sad At This Part What if you cared?
Smiled at my happiness,
frowned at my sadness,
cried at my funeral...
wow. this was very deep. i could really feel your feelings! my favorite line was "what if you cared?". great explanation of our feelings! keep up the great work
This is beautiful!!!!!!! I loved it
This is my favorite quote!!