I woke up today, it was bright, and I couldn't see very well. My parents rushed me out of bed like every other day, we had breakfast, and before I knew it, I was off to school. I got to school at around 9AM. At around 12PM, we started feeling slight rumbles under our feet, but because we live near a major fault line, we didn't really care. At about 2:30PM, something strange happened, the power went out, and never came back on. This is really odd, becuase we have backup generator, the teacher said that the generator had stopped working, we all were a little bit curious, but the day was up, and we were to head on out anyways. Then at 3:17, it happened. The sky was torn open like a curtain, revealing hundreds of flaming balls, the people were immediatly frightned and terrified. All I remember was something hit me in the head, then I was out cold. When I woke up, it was mass devastation, the town was ripped apart, people were dead everywhere, and half the town was on fire. I looked over and saw something moving in the shadows, I didn't quite know what it was, but it looked like it had 6 legs. To be continued.........
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well...hmm....I have to say we've got some mass chaos going on in this story in more ways that one here...for one, this is a really short piece and usually these are fine as one paragraph but we have like three very distinct scenes here and it could really use a bit of an overhaul in terms of adding some description and being divided into at the very least three paragraphs if not more.
The pacing here is a bit out of whack...it starts out slow....then we speed a bit with the fault line and then a literal apocalypse happens in two sentences and it is just wayyy too fast here, you've really gotta try and bring more into this story here, at least the start of this whole flaming balls from the sky situation, the ending a bit hurried, that makes sense considering the situation and creates a nice cliffhanger but the power outage and the eventual opening event of this apocalypse need some more fleshing out.
Soo, well, the premise is nice, I love the idea, it seems like its headed towards being a really interesting story...but it needs a bit of work to reach its full potential right here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry