Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this one I felt was on the cusp of being really funny but a lack of clear setting and just a general sense of being rushed kind of ruined the humor of this somewhat and the flow also took a big hit because of that very same reason. It needs to be slowed down quite a bit more and have a lot more description for it to make a bit more sense than this.
Anyway let's get right to it,
After three constant hours of singing on their crosses the many men stopped in disbelief as a massive crowd swarmed the hill of which the crosses were on.
"Its the lord he is dying for our sins!" Yelled out one of the many insane followers.
Well that was a pretty nice, catchy way to start things off. Good job with that opening.
"Well not really." Brian muttered.
"The lord is trying to speak!"
"Could some one please get me down." brains voice rose a bit.
"The lord is weak. speak up my lord and we will follow!"
Oh this is starting like it will be a golden bit of humor here.
"Well.." a civilian stepped forward, laughing hysterically. "this is our lord."
"What!" the senator spat as he yelled those words.
"Well I'm not really.." Brian was cut of as the senator roared in rage.
Umm...I have to say like I mentioned earlier I've got no idea what fandom this is and I've never heard of such a thing but it does like it's quite funny. The one thing though is that you might want to set this scene up a little better. We don't really have any idea of where this senator, the romans and these followers are in relation to each other so we can't really imagine what is going on here and that can be a little confusing.
"You!" he pointed to a man "What is his name."
By the time he had turned around he realized that Brian had escaped.
"But how.." he muttered.
"ITS A SIGN FROM GOD!" yelled a women, which was followed by a large amount of cheers.
"Hey you. I need a ride of this set to London!"
"Oh its you." it was the trader from an earlier scene.
"Ill give you a cart for 20 gold coins."
"Listen I'm the dam lord or what ever you call me, so i order you to give me a cart!."
"Oh its the messiah!" he bowed down. But by the time he looked up Brian was racing of in the distance on a horse. Before getting off to go inside the airport and flying back to America.
the mob stopped.
You missed a capital letter there and by this point I have managed to lose sense of where everyone is completely. That last bit was a little too rushed and I can't what happened or why.
"Were did he go?!"
"He ascended! He is our lord!"
Somewhat of a disappointing end for me because I can't really tell what just happened. Maybe this is because I haven't any idea about this fandom so that could just be me.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: So not too much to add here. The main problems like I said earlier are pacing and a lack of proper description when it comes to the setting. Now this might have something to do with the fandom so if that's the case sorry but if this was something that you came up with separately for this story then it needs to be carefully reconsidered.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 260951
Reviews: 4130
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