After three constant hours of singing on their crosses the many men stopped in disbelief as a massive crowd swarmed the hill of which the crosses were on.
"Its the lord he is dying for our sins!" Yelled out one of the many insane followers.
"Well not really." Brian muttered.
"The lord is trying to speak!"
"Could some one please get me down." brains voice rose a bit.
"The lord is weak. speak up my lord and we will follow!"
"Just get me of this dam cross!" The crowds muttering was cut off as he bellowed those words.
A large number of Romans stepped through the crowd. the Romans circular formation opened up.
"Pwease womans (Romans) step aside!"
The senator spat out those words as if his mouth was full to begin with.
The crowd bursted out laughing. Even several of the Romans started laughing.
"SIWENCE! what is going on here!?"
"Well.." a civilian stepped forward, laughing hysterically. "this is our lord."
"What!" the senator spat as he yelled those words.
"Well I'm not really.." Brian was cut of as the senator roared in rage.
"You!" he pointed to a man "What is his name."
The man stepped forward and laughed a bit.
"His name is Jason sir."
"Get Wason of that.." Now he was cut off by the laughter.
"Look can you just get me off of here.." Brian whispered.
The senator started shouting at the crowd, spraying them with spit.
By the time he had turned around he realized that Brian had escaped.
"But how.." he muttered.
"ITS A SIGN FROM GOD!" yelled a women, which was followed by a large amount of cheers.
When in reality it was the end of the scene and it was time for lunch. But Brian using his intuitive ran away.
"Hey you. I need a ride of this set to London!"
"Oh its you." it was the trader from an earlier scene.
"Ill give you a cart for 20 gold coins."
"Sure.." Brian muttered, eager to get away.
He heard roaring in the back ground, the mob had figured out he was gone and was getting closer. Then further away. then closer again. Then once again further away. But as the trader yelled.
"NO DO IT PROPERLY!" The crowd realized ad ran towards Brian.
"fine 10 gold coins."
"What that's an out rage! ill sell for 15 gold coins."
"Listen you I'm tired of this same scene, just give me the cart!"
the mob got closer.
"Its not the way this works though!" he yelled in return.
"Listen I'm the dam lord or what ever you call me, so i order you to give me a cart!."
"Oh its the messiah!" he bowed down. But by the time he looked up Brian was racing of in the distance on a horse. Before getting off to go inside the airport and flying back to America.
the mob stopped.
"Were did he go?!"
"He ascended! He is our lord!"
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this one I felt was on the cusp of being really funny but a lack of clear setting and just a general sense of being rushed kind of ruined the humor of this somewhat and the flow also took a big hit because of that very same reason. It needs to be slowed down quite a bit more and have a lot more description for it to make a bit more sense than this.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that was a pretty nice, catchy way to start things off. Good job with that opening.
Oh this is starting like it will be a golden bit of humor here.
Umm...I have to say like I mentioned earlier I've got no idea what fandom this is and I've never heard of such a thing but it does like it's quite funny. The one thing though is that you might want to set this scene up a little better. We don't really have any idea of where this senator, the romans and these followers are in relation to each other so we can't really imagine what is going on here and that can be a little confusing.
"You!" he pointed to a man "What is his name."
You missed a capital letter there and by this point I have managed to lose sense of where everyone is completely. That last bit was a little too rushed and I can't what happened or why.
Somewhat of a disappointing end for me because I can't really tell what just happened. Maybe this is because I haven't any idea about this fandom so that could just be me.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: So not too much to add here. The main problems like I said earlier are pacing and a lack of proper description when it comes to the setting. Now this might have something to do with the fandom so if that's the case sorry but if this was something that you came up with separately for this story then it needs to be carefully reconsidered.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hillarious! I've never seen Life of Brian, but I know the basic plot and that was great! Which Grail Parody did you mean, because I wrote one a while ago and put it up here. Just curious...
...I don't even really know what to say...I don't think anyone would be able to write like Monty Python, and even if they could, it wouldn't have the impact as it would have if you were watching it. It was a good try though.