"Have you ever wondered if those love movies can ever happen in real life?
Well i didnt.."
The music filled the church. Men and women on both sides stared at the door. A man wearing a dark grey suit stood at the alter. waiting. But she never came. The man ran to the church door, pushing open its withered brown sides. Its hinges creaked as he saw his bride. Running down the road. Her elegant silver dress swaying in the wind.
"KATIE!"
"KATIE!"
"Katie..."
(Sevral days later.)
Katie pushed back her long brown hair. Her crystal blue eyes shined upon the movie screen. She was watching another love film.
"If only i could meet some one like that.." she whispered to herself. Dreaming.
The movie had finished. She got up and walked towards the lobby.
"Have you ever seen one of those classic love scenes? were they lovingly meet at an elegant, estravagnat point. Their eyes meeting lovingly in the middle, before they reached into each other to kiss. Well i wish that could happen to me."
She felt a thud behind her as she was about to walk out.
"Hey!" her voice stern and controlling.
"Im so sorry." The strangers green eyes shining in the light. He brushed his black hair to the side of his face and smiled.
"Thats.. thats ok.." Katie couldnt find the right words, and when she did speak they only came out as whispers.
"Are you alright?"
She lost herself in his deep green eyes.
"Oh yes. yes! im alright."
"ok.. ill see you around.." His voice trailed off as he left the movie theatre.
"Now comes the scene from most movies. the women meets a guy in a brief encouter, but he slips away to soon.."
The next day.
"Come on lets go Katie!" Her voice was commanding, but suprisingly sweet. Maybe it was the fact that her light blond hair waved in the wind as she ran inside.
"Wha.!? Jessica, what are you doing here!?"
"Well you said lets go for lunch, so lets go."
"Jessica."
"I know this great restarunt."
"Jessica!"
"So what would you like?"
"JESSICA!"
"What?! Are you coming or not!"
Without giving Katie much choice, jessica grabbed her arm and dragged her outside.
After a short car ride they got to the resturant.
"Sushi bar.. How.. original.." she read the name of the sign.
They sat down on the wooden garden seats. they saw infront of a trimmed hedge next to a grey fountain.
A man came over to them.
"Hello im Mark."
Katie turned her glance up as she brushed her brown hair back.
"Hi again."
It was him from the cinema. His green eyes glistening against the crystal blue fountain water. He was back!
Part 1 finished.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this was a pretty neat little story. Kind of cliched but I think you were intentionally going for that one here so there's that. Very simple plot and I think you've used it quite well here. Definitely would read a part two of this (I love cheesy romance) if I ever run into it.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...that's a pretty good opening sentence that you have on here. Definitely does a great job of capturing readers.
Decent building of tension there.
Is she actually talking to herself here because it that's what it sounds like although it is not very clear.
The number of times that I have read this...
Okay that conversation was kind of hard to follow. It definitely is in desperate need of a few more dialogue tags there. It's just possible to follow that particular conversation to see who is saying what.
That's not a very natural opener for a conversation there. Most people go for just a hello especially if its a stranger. Only someone like a cashier or a customer service hotline answering person would actually say something like that at the start of a conversation.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: This was a pretty nice story overall. It had some decent descriptions. The few things I spotted were a ton of missing capital letters. I didn't them out because they are all highlighted in auto correct so you should be able to fix those easily. The one other thing is that conversation. It sounded fairly natural but without dialogue tags it was just impossible to follow. You don't need a tag for each line but one every three of four lines maybe accompanied by an expression like (frowning, smiling, etc) would help out a lot there.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
just the way it is....
Hello there
Romance isn't my thing but I think I can do sentence fixer uppers as armonia called them.
not only would I say 'she whispered to herself [comma] dreaming." but, you start with -ed and end with -ing. So the tenses are wrong. Perhaps you should change it to "She whispered to herself as she dreamed" which...still doesn't sound right. Perhaps you should make it it's own sentence? "She dream about..." Long dialog tags are never real useful either unless you can pull them off correctly.
Extravagant. Try to run things through a spell check first (if its not in your word processor, try http://www.spell-check.net)
This sentence here sounds weird:
Their eyes meeting lovingly in the middle, before they reached into each other to kiss.
They reached into each other to kiss? What?
Her voice was...
shined. keep up with your tense, this isn't the first I've noticed so I'll stop pointing them out, you find them for yourself.
'Wha' is not exactly a full word
Capital 'I' apostriphy 'm'
Alright now for the critique. I found a lot so I'll try to hit each point...First your characters weren't described very thoroughly, leaving me not connected to them. I hear brunette hair, green eyes, grey suit. It's like features and clothes flouting, but I see no person.
Second, the constant cuts, quotes, and break are rather annoying, and unneeded in fiction. If its our main characters thoughts, says so otherwise remove them and create flow.
Third, its very flat and colorless, and could really use some make up
Fourth, it seems cliche. Just like she watches romance movies and the same things happen to her, its cliche. It feels like a romance movie, which are cliche. Make something your own! (even though every idea is a repeat) maybe her new found lover from the theater is really a druggie rapist only wanting to do her, than sell her body for money to get some E? who knows! But something new would be nice.
I like it, now im not one to tell you any actually fixure uppers like sentance structure or what nots. beacuse if there is once thing im REALLY bad at its that. But as far as Plot and Conflict go, i liked it, and would love to read more.