Prologue
The setting sun cast marvelous shadows on the horizon, turning bare trees into sinister silhouettes, and rounded hills into elegant outlines. The clouds floated away, leaving the full magnificence of colours to engulf the sky. Warm oranges, deep reds and the tiniest trace of pink turned the sky into an artists’ canvas.
The setting sun was something Marcus liked to watch each night. The delicate shades inspired him, made him want to work harder. Well, sometimes. Most days he would see the sky and an idea would spring into his mind. The minute the sun had vanished and the colours faded to black, Marcus would be inside his house, digging out a canvas and some paintbrushes, ready to create a masterpiece.
Other days, Marcus was completely unimaginative. He would see the sky and nothing more than a thought of “Hey, that’s pretty!” would drift into his mind. Most artists were constantly looking for inspiration – Marcus had to wait for inspiration to come to him.
Tonight was one of those nights. He’d eaten dinner with his wife and while she was clearing up, he’d seen the colours appearing through the window. His wife, who had no interest in art, had sighed irritably and shooed him out of the kitchen. Marcus had pulled on his old wool coat and taken a seat on the porch steps, hoping to be enthused.
To no avail. Marcus had finally admitted defeat when a harsh wind began to blow leaves across the yard and chilled him to the bone. The sun had been gone for a while now, but sometimes, his ideas took a while to surface.
Not tonight though.
Marcus pulled his coat tighter around him as he went back indoors, where he could hear the fire crackling away merrily. Smiling, he went into the living room, where he saw his wife’s back to him, her blonde hair falling down her back.
And then a knife cut through her throat and she fell limply to the floor, revealing the hard faced man sitting lower on the seat.
Too shocked to form words, Marcus stood motionless, his eyes staring blankly at his wife’s lifeless body. His eyes bulged and tears pooled in them. He opened his mouth and gasped, but he couldn’t seem to utter a single word.
Confused and sorrowful, Marcus turned to the man in front of him. He had a square jaw and a scar on his cheek, cutting from his eye to the bottom of his nose. His eyes were hazel and bloodshot, dark circles giving him the appearance of a demented panda.
“Remember me?” he spoke in a raspy drawl, a voice which Marcus would recognize anywhere. It was the memory of this voice that unlocked his vocal chords.
“Y…you killed her! You k…killed Jenna!” His voice broke as the tears began sliding down his cheeks.
“You tell no-one. Got it?” the man snarled. Marcus nodded numbly, knowing that he could never reveal the killer of his wife. The consequences would be too extreme.
“Good.” The hard faced man wiped the blade of his knife clean and tucked it into his belt. Then he hurried from the room, his tread silent on the threadbare carpet.
Marcus turned to the fragile body of Jenna Carlisle and sobbed.
Tonight was just the beginning.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
hi killthelights
The plot is really very interesting.I would love to read more and more.I really read it quickly so i didn't find any flaws as such except for:
'Smiling, he went into the living room, where he saw his wife’s back to him, her blonde hair falling down her back.'
This line looke a bit misconstructed if you get what I mean.Little improvisations are needed.I liked the line #408000 ">'Today was just a beginning'.Overall,a very interseting story.
Hello! I thought that this was rather good, but I'll leave it for the overall.
Here is a few things to think about when you're editing:
From the first sentence I can really tell you have a great love for "frilly" words like 'silhouettes' and 'marvelous' and 'elegant. That can be good... and bad. Good: It just is. Bad: It can get boring. The opening sentence has to really grab the reader out of their chair. This, made me slump. It's a really pretty line, just not opening sentence material. Think of something that readers get exited about and try to tweak the words around.Hmm. I'm not satisfied with this sentence. I think it's the 'clouds floated away' part. Again, just tweak the words. There's so many rich words in one sentence I can't get what you're message is, so tone down on the words.
This is a beautiful sentence, just not quite put together perfectly. Perhaps, "The sky seemed to resemble an artists' canvas with its warm oranges, deep reds and the tiniest trace of pink." Maybe?
Hmmm. You say the shades inspire them, then you say sometimes, then you say most of the time not. I would fix these sentences so that they make more sense.
This sentence dragged on too much I think. Remember, quality, not quantity! XD I would rewrite it shorter. Perhaps, "The moment the colours fade to black Marcus would be digging out a canvas, ready to create a masterpiece." Just take out some of the not-so-important stuff and it'll make a much easier read.
My favorite sentence so far. Cleverly put! I liked that used a dash instead of 'but', that makes it flow better.
Hmmm. Chilled to the bone? The rest of the sentence is fine, just the last part... well, I would tweak it but it's your choice!
Again, hmmm. You might notice I saw hmmm a lot. Anyway, I think this was a little tough to read. Maybe to many he's and her's and his'. I would rewrite it so that it's easier to read.
When I read this sentence I barely blinked. The most important part, the climate, and the reader doesn't blink! You have to write it so that the readers think "What just happened!" and nearly jump out of their seat. A difficult task, but once done it makes the story, as a whole, twice as good. I might just shorten this sentence to "And then a knife cut through her throat." However, I still have some problems with that. Through and throat don't go very well together. And you have to remember, the character has no idea what happened, so how is he sure it's a knife.
Imagine yourself being the man in the story. What would you do if your wife was just killed? Personally, I would crawl next to her, not studder uncontrollably at the killer.
I'm not sure why, but I would make "good" its own paragraph
A little too cliche for my taste, but not a bad ending.
OVERALL
Well, I thought this was definitely an enjoyable read. A thrilling read, a gasping read, hmmm, not so much. This needs some more color, more emotion. When Jenna dies everything goes so fast. Imagine your wife just died and continue from there. PM me when you post the rest, I can't wait to read it!
winie*