O' Smother of Mine

Tears stained my face
I wished I could erase last night
You wouldn’t let me forget
Even today you still remind me
Of that horrible night and that horrible mistake
I was upset and depressed
But did you understand?
No you looked the other way
Disowning me, breaking me, shaking me
You wondered who I was
You said you were disappointed in me
That I was just like my father
That I was a slut and an alcoholic
You told everyone around me
You made them hate me as much as you hated me
You made me feel dead, miserable, disgusting…
Alone

You spat in my face and turned me away
I needed you then the most
But you made it worse
Made my eyes bleed
Made my heart ache
Made my soul weak

I thought I couldn’t feel any worse
But I was wrong
You twisted my pain
You twisted my mind
You twisted my guilt
My fear
My happiness
My worth

I needed your understanding
Your loving embrace
You

Instead you left me
Alone in that deep, dark place
Where I felt suicidal and low
Where I had no one to turn to
No one to confide in
No one to have faith in me
No one to be there for me
No one to be with me
No one to stand up for me
No one to hold me when I was weak
No one to love me when I needed it the most

That day I hated you
I needed you but you weren’t there for me
You didn’t care to give me the time
The love
The consolation
The heart
The parenting
The mothering
Instead you smothered me
Tore me down
Tore my heart apart

Whenever you need me
I’m there for you
But not again
Never again
I was stupid to forgive you
To care about you
To believe in you
To want anything to do with you

Never again
Will I speak to you
Will I care about you
Will I love you
Be there for you
Forgive you
Want anything to do with you
Want your acceptance
Your love
Never again will I be that stupid
To think that you could be
The mother that would be there for me
O’ Smother of Mine