Published July 11, 2007
A Dawn Killer
Awaking from a midnight slumber,
A mysterious and fragile being arose from a lily's petals.
The crystalline structure of its wings were like clear sun-kissed glass.
As it gingerly reached for a blade of grass,
The gentle sky broke with a flash of lightning.
It shivered with fear and warily wandered for shelter.
As the dawn storm approached the meadow,
A beam of light struck a nearby tree.
All watched with uncertainty and discontent.
The fire grew with great force,
But as quickly as it started,
It evaporated with a puff of smoke.
And the mysterious and fragile being,
Looked to see the destruction of dawn
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140,113 Literary Works • 673,017 Reviews
Pretty much everything I could say has already been said. This poem is there, but it seems lack substance. It's a nice little narrative, but, of what, I don't know.
Some inconsistencies I'd like to point out--->
If something was afraid, it would not have "warily wandered for shelter". It would actively seek out shelter, not wander to it.
I also don't like that for most of the poem, only the "fragile being" is there. Then you have "All watched...". That sudden shift from just one thing in the story to a bunch of unexplained others really threw me off.
Don't take this and the other reviews harshly. You have potential. Use it to create a better poem.[/quote]
The spacing between the lines is a real turn-off for most poets; why did you space them like that? Was there a reasoning behind it?
Also, I'd agree that this really is very much like a "list." It's also too prosaic; there's nothing of a poetic style about it, unless you believe an overabundance of adjectives and a bizarre line-break pattern adds up to poetry. Try again.
It does have a certain beauty to it but there are just too many words for me in the first few stanza's. It seems like you're trying to over-describe what's happening when a simple explanation would do the trick. I do love it though. Wonderful job.
Keep it up!
~Rieda
As pointed out before, this seemed more like a list to me. I actually quite liked your imagery; it made me feel like a butterfly was unfolding its wings and stretching! But, besides spacing your lines properly, add a story to it so that your readers actually care about this dawn. You've got a great beginning, but just a little tweaking will make it great!
You have to be careful that when you use poetry to tell a story, or rather illustrate a series of events, that it doesn't become too much of a list. I feel as though that this is almost disjointed in the way that you outline what is happening. Draw us in with emotion; concentrate less on what is happening and more on the emotional response to it. Best of luck,
Cameron
This is spaced oddly, you can keep all the lines together [without space between them] and it is still correct.
Interesting topic, it comes off beautifully, but there isn't much to it. You know? It needs something more than just a story. I'm not sure what.
Of course, I'm never fond of these kinds of poems. It just seems lacking.