Thanks everyone , i really appreciate the comments and will start editing as soon as this sentance ends.
THEM
edited version
Prologue- Dark Intentions
Frederic Brice lingered in the shadows, watching the boy at a distance. The boy was just standing there, still as a statue. The night was dark, making him almost invisible. The man looked up, causing his hood to slip back and reveal a head similar to the moon, pale, and circular. He gazed at the moon, waiting for it to drift behind the clouds. He waited patiently for if he was to succeed, absolute darkness was necessary. Then not a moment later he was rewarded and the ghost sphere withdrew behind the clouds. There was completely darkness. It was time. An evil grin spread across his face, revealing chipped and crooked teeth. Tonight was a perfect night. Tonight was the night he would perform his dark intentions. Tonight was the night that the boy would die.
He would not, could not fail. He had longed for this boy’s death, he had waited and waited and now it was time. The man had followed the boy from school, however, he had not expected the boy to venture into the woods, well at least not this far any. He felt a certain uneasiness around him, but his thirst for death was far too great to worry about it. The boy had been walking at a steady pace, then suddenly stopped, his body in a frozen form of a statue, mind and all.But if the psychotic man had not been so intent on feeding the craving monster that strived within him, he might have noticed these abnormal changes in the boy’s activity.
Frederic went to push aside the thick bush, which was the only thing coming between him and the boy. He had not anticipated its strength and made a pathetic attempt at brushing it to one side. Getting impatient, he pulled out a rather sinister looking knife, and that was the end of the bush. He kept low and moved towards the boy with stealth. Soon he was close enough to see the boys dirty brown hair. Frederic gripped his knife and began to move in for the kill, and then the boy turned slowly around. The knife slipped out of his grip and sank into the damp earth. Frederic let out a cry, and turned to run but a cold, dead hand grabbed his shoulder. He turned to face the boy. The boy’s eyes had been ripped out of the sockets; all what was left were black caves weeping blood. The boys face was colourless. Frederic could not move, as sheer terror rushed through him. His eyes were so fixed on the boy; he did not hear the figures lurking behind him. When he eventually realised he was not alone, it was too late and he was dragged away into the darkness. His screams screeched through the air, but nobody heard him. It was just him, the boy and them.
_______________________________________________--
" It's just us and them."
Thanks everyone , i really appreciate the comments and will start editing as soon as this sentance ends.
I must comment on the sentence structure. The story itself was well written and well played out, but I noticed too many periods where comma's could have been. It is good to avoid run on sentences, but it is just as well to avoid fragments.
He gazed at the moon, waiting for it to drift behind the clouds. He waited patiently for if he was to succeed, absolute darkness was necessary.
Still he waited
Then not a moment later he was rewarded and the ghost sphere withdrew behind the clouds. There was completely darkness.
He had followed the boy from school, however, he had not expected the boy to venture into the woods, well at least not this far anyway
The boy had been walking at a steady pace and then he suddenly stopped. However, he had not just stopped moving, it was as if he had actually stopped, his mind shut down, his body frozen
Frederic went to push aside the thick bush, which was the only thing coming between him and the boy.
He gripped his knife and began to move in for the kill, and then the boy turned slowly around.
The knife slipped out of his grip and sunk into the damp earth.
Frederic let out a cry, and turned to run but a cold, dead hand clung to his shoulder.
Then when he eventually realised he was not alone, it was too late and he was dragged away into the darkness.His screams screeched through the air, but nobody heard him. It was just him, the boy and them.
I agree with KJ. Most of you sentances were "He did this... He did that..."
When you do this you take away from the story. Vary and change up the sentance structures. It could become a bore to read. And we all know that people will drop a book if it doesn't catch their attention at the beginning.
You do alot of telling. Not enough showing.
Telling: He did this... he had pale bald head.
Showing: His head was similar to the moon, pale, and oval as an egg.
Or something.
Your grammar and punctuation isn't bad. I couldn't see any mistakes, but then again I was so engrossed in the story it is likely that I wouldn't have noticed anyways.
You have a unique writing style. Its really great, it just needs some polishing up. I am sitting on the edge of my seat wondering what happens next. If you want an indept review PM me and I'll do a line by line for you. Thats if your interested. I am dancing with anticipation for your next post. Contact me when you get more out. So until then, the best of luck, and keep writing.
While I enjoyed the actual writing - you have a unique style - your sentence structure I did not enjoy. Almost every sentence was the same in the very beginning. Tell-comma-tell. Then in the middle the sentences were too long. That last was fine. I liked that one the best. My suggestion? Use different sentence techniques, and break up these paragraphs a bit.
You could also build up the tension by inserting thoughts in Italic, using the whole dot-dot-dot method, etc. Try something, anything. Writing is all about experimenting and improving.
Keep writing. I did like this, so when you continue, feel free to PM me.
KJ
I gotta, say this is great stuff! You organize your thoughts really well, not rushing through important descriptions.
Here are some things I noticed:
"Then, not a moment later, he was rewarded and the ghost sphere withdrew behind the clouds."
First of all, I love the ghost sphere part. It really sets the mood. Anyway, correct me if I'm wrong, but I do believe some commas are needed here.
"Frederic could not move, sheer terror rushed through him."
It could just be me, but it seems like this sentence would flow better if you said, "...sheer terror rushing through him." or "...as sheer terror rushed through him." Your choice.
Overall:
Again, I must say, you sure know what you're doing! Your repetition is effective, you slow down in the right spots, and you're not afraid to use short senteces, but you use them correctly as well.
I'm really curious, though. I know this is just a prologue, and you'll probably answer questions throughout the story, but I find it helps me if other people ask questions. So here we go: Who's this crazy man? Why is he so set on murder? Why did he pick this particular boy? What made the boy stop every now and then? What happened to the boy? And last but not least, who's Them?
The imagery was great! I could see clearly everything you were talking about, especially the eyesockets which was eerily cool.
PM me when you write more, I want to find out the answers!
Thanks for the read,
--Anna
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