Messengers ( chapter one)

I liked the story for its good use of language, also using an I point of view is never bad. My stories are almost always written in such a way. You really have to fix the changing from present to past tense since it confuses the reader and makes the story harder for people to read.

How, the hell is whoever is doing this, doing this?

okay here's my copy editor act to save... the writing.

I heaved the yellow bag up

Pulling my hood up I begin

The winter night chill ripped through my jumper, and my fingers froze as I posted the first of many papers.

I know there are people much worse off, but the cold winter nights were simply unbearable at times, a remember once that I even slipped on a sheet of ice – I should have sued them.

I tried to shift the heavy weight a little, the strap cutting into my right shoulder

I tried to shift the heavy weight a little, the strap cutting into my right shoulder, as I turned into an alleyway. A movement up ahead caught my attention, it was probably nothing, maybe a drunk, or maybe I was imagining it, after all it was early in the morning and I had just woke up

I risked a nervous glance behind and let out a long sigh, I saw nothing

I turned my head, and jumped out of my skin, literally I was like floating up and looking down on myself

kerb as I went

First thought, zombies, shit they are real

I tried to get up before he came within reaching distant, but I was too late

I didn’t pay much attention and shoved him off, before leaping too my feet and running, running into the darkness.

I’d completely forgotten about my round, it wasn’t important anymore, nothing was.

I am panting rapidly there is a pain in my ribs, maybe a stitch from running so hard

I glance back, the man is gone, I’m alone. I am panting rapidly there is a pain in my ribs, maybe a stitch from running so hard. I drop the bag

Looking around I see nothing familiar, this part is new to me

Wow!
loved your story, its an amazing storyline. i saw a few grammar erros but they have already been taking care of.
I can't wait to read more.
good luck for the next chapter.

Well, Peanut covered a lot but I have a couple of things so say. You did have punctuation errors and some capitalization problems with your Is. The sentences were a bit choppy at times and some parts I had to read over. I also suggest you describe the characters and the settings a bit more. It has an alright story line and I do look forward to reading more because I do love werewolf stories.

Another thing I also noticed was that you were switching between tenses which made it a bit confusing. I'm not sure if there was supposed to be any flashbacks or just a whole story. There is not much I can say because Peanut already took most of my opinions.

Well good luck with your writing and keep up the good work.
~Incognito Temptation

Hi Kevzta, I'm Peanut and I'm going to apologize now for what I'm about to do. Sorry. My critiques are bold.

I heaved the yellow bag what is in the bag? up and slammed the door behind me. Pulling my hood up I begin.in this last sentence you jumped to present tense the rest is past The winter night chill ripped through my jumper, and my fingers froze as I posted the first of many papers. It wasn’t a bad round, but the pay, the pay was disgusting. Twenty quid a month, two hundred papers each week, I felt like a slave as I stuffed the second paper though the letterbox. I know there are people much worse off, but the cold winter nights were simply unbearable at times, a remember once that I even slipped on a sheet of ice – I should have sued them.

I tried to shift the heavy weight a little, the strap cutting into my right shoulder, as I turned into an alleyway. A movement up ahead caught my attention, it was probably nothing, maybe a drunk, or maybe I was imagining it, after all it was early in the morning and I had just woke up. I quickened my pace, eager to get home and into the warmth of my cosy cozy I think or thats just how you spell it room, but also because I was spooked by the dark figure that had been there for no more than a split second.

I reached the top of the dark alleyway and turned left into Crookerdown Close. I risked a nervous glance behind you should add me and let out a long sigh, I saw nothing. I turned my head, and it would be better with the word almost here jumped out of my skin, literally I was like take out the like it doesn't need to be there floating up and looking down on myself. An old man stumbled towards no s me, his hand out stretched, as if his brain was dead. First thought, zombies, *** they are real. His clothes were ripped, and streaks of blood dripped down his chest, he walked with a limp barely able to hold himself up. I backed away, tripping on a kerb curve not kerb as I went. I fell down hard, my bag strap curling around my neck like a snake. I tried to get up before he came within reaching distant, but I was too late. He toppled on top of me, and stuttered something, his voice barely a whisper.

“W. Wo. Wolf.” He groaned, pointing into the darkness. I didn’t pay much attention and shoved him off, before leaping too my feet and running, running into the darkness.

***
This whole part until the next set of astrix( ***) is in present tense, not past like the top
Darkness everywhere, I’d completely forgotten about my round, it wasn’t important anymore, nothing was.
I glance back, the man is gone, I’m alone. I am panting rapidly ,there is a pain in my ribs, maybe a stitch from running so hard. I drop the bag, couldn’t care less whether I get paid, it feels like I’ve just been lifting an elephant and now it’s gone, my shoulders are free again.

Looking around I see nothing familiar, this part is new to me. I decide to go back the way I came, but then think twice, the man might still be there. Only one way to go, forwards. I begin walking, slowly and cautious at first and then gradually quickening my pace. I stop, frozen to the spot, nerves gone dead, and brain gone blank. A hunched figure up ahead, is it the wolf, is it a dog, or is it simply an old man?

I squint into the distance, trying to make sense of the figure, it’s too dark to see, just two red pixy sized lights in the darkness. A loud ring gave me a heart attack and it took a moment to realise that it was my mobile. I flipped it up and held it to my ear.
“Hello” I answer
“Jake, where have you been, you are normally finished by now, you will be late for school... ok...wait...ok, don’t be long.”
I look up, the figure's gone.

***
Back to past

The pancakes tasted good.
“Right, I’d best get going then” I said, picking up my school bag.
“ Bye, have a good day, learn lots.” My mum said cheerfully, waving me out.
“ Pft. Yeah...”
back to presentThe door swings shut behind me, and I make my way to the park. Wasn’t the first time I’ve skipped school and it won’t be the last. What’s the point? I know all the basics, maths, science, how to read and write. It’s not a very long walk and minutes later I’m sitting on a park bench. It is covered with graffiti, with all sorts of swear words, I won’t bother going into details. Something hits me sharply in the back of the head, i whizz around, only to find nobody there. Kids, can’t even face me like a man, cowards. I turn back round, a letter was sitting neatly on the grass, I am pretty sure it hadn’t been there a second ago, I would have noticed it else. My answers i revealed when i lean over to pick it up, my name written neatly in gold lettering. It definitely wasn’t there before, someone’s just put it there. I scan the park and the area outside it, as was well, nobody, I'm alone.

Should I read it, or should I thought it in the bin? I knew what my heart says, it’s probably just a prank, so throw it away. Curiosities however, overpowers overpower no s me . take out the and to make a new sentence and without realising my fingers are a step ahead of me and are opening the letter. I read.you should put a : instead of a .

Dear Jacob Arthur Kingsley

Would you like your yellow bag back?

Yours valiantly

Lacy

I cannot believe what I’ve just read and let the paper glide to the ground. How did she know? Who was she, Lacy? Do they have my bag? Are they here now? All this questions run wildly around in my head, and I haven’t the foggiest what the answers to them are. I no capital in sit Sit back down and almost scream the world down. Another letter. I was just about to sit on it, how...

***

As I make my way to the tunnel, I read the message over again. Written in exactly the same handwriting and format, it was like a clone from the first letter.

Dear Jacob Arthur Kingsley

Go to the end of the tunnels. Don’t say u can’t find them. They’re exactly North west from your current location.

Yours valiantly

Lacy

I stop. I am at the entrance to the tunnels, with no light inside I’d be plunged into darkness. What if this is all just some sick trap, but before I can come to a decision, I notice a third clone. This time hanging from a perfectly fine golden piece of thread, attached to an old oak tree. I no capital in yank Yank it down and read.

Dear Jacob Arthur Kingsley

It is not a trap. A red-letter box is awaiting you at the end of the tunnels, all will be revealed.

Yours valiantly

Lacy


I’m torn. How, the hell is whoever is doing this, doing this? It’s impossible nobody can move that fast, or even write the exact same every time in the exact same letter. It just isn’t possible. An ear-splitting scream erupts from within the tunnel and without even knowing it, my legs are running full pelt into the darkness.

I’m already near the end, when it dawns upon me that this is probably and most definitely a trap. My theories are confirmed because when I reach the end, there is nobody there, nobody screaming for help, just a red-letter box. From which yet another neat envelope is awaiting me. It’s hanging out of the letter slot, a reach in and grab it. My hand passes through thin air, it wasn’t real. I try and jerk my hand back, but I can’t move it, it’s sealed within the box. Then seconds letter later a loud voice booms, coming from, well, nowhere.

“Thank you, for posting. You are about to enter Valiant hills. All messengers report to capital L lacy as soon as you arrive.”

It ends as abruptly as it came. The red box begins to creak, it sounds like metal gears, and cogs are turning inside it. I try to pull free and my hand gives way. I jump back and stare in horror and amazement at what lies before my eyes. The normal looking letterbox, is transforming drastically into something that was never thought possible.

Moments later, a magnificent double mahogany door stands exactly where the box was. Neatly written across it in gold lettering, VALIANT HILLS, I stare in amazement. I quickly glance at the letter, stepping forward I enter...